My husband takes long morning showers to avoid helping with the kids

"He's milking the system and trying to shirk his responsibilities."

A mum has taken to an online forum to vent about the length of her husband's showers. 

After spotting a pattern, she believes he's taking the extra time to avoid having to look after the kids when he gets home from work.

"Mostly SAHM of two kids here, ages one and three. I work two days a week at most, usually only one. Most of the time I'm home with them," she explains in the post. 

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"He called me incredibly selfish"

"My husband is a blue-collar worker in construction. He works long days, his job is pretty physical, and he works really hard. He gets up at 5 a.m. and gets home by 6:30 p.m. My days are usually around the same, give or take an extra hour in the morning," she continues. 

The mum says that as soon as he gets home after work, he makes a beeline for the bathroom straight away. 

There, he'll spend "at least 25 minutes on the toilet" and takes a "25-minute shower."

The lengthy process means that she "can't start dinner with the kids hanging off my legs" so asked her husband if he could wait to wash up until after they'd all eaten. 

"He complied at first, but he's now telling me it's very unfair to ask him to sit in dirty clothes and be a sweaty mess for two hours until they get to bed," she says. "Which I understand it's uncomfortable, but you know... I've just been alone with the kids for 13 hours straight. Every day.

"I have stuff I still need to get done, too. My kids are in their tantrum phase as well, which has been really hard."

After he ended up calling her "incredibly selfish", she took to the forum to ask who was in the wrong. 

Image: IStock

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"This isn't about decompression time"

She later added a bit more context, saying, "None of this is about decompression time for my husband, it's about getting the kids to bed on time because they wake up even earlier if I don't get them to bed by 8 pm.

"We have plenty of time after they go to sleep for ourselves, and I don't mind him doing whatever he wants to do at that point."

She also added that even though he works in construction, he isn't covered in dirt, grime or any toxic substances when he comes home. 

"I'm not asking him to wait two hours to shower, I'm asking him to wait 30 minutes so I can get dinner done, get him and the kids fed, and then he has the rest of the evening to himself to shower, decompress, play his games etc," she clarified.

"He's milking the system"

Commenters were torn on the issue, with one user replying, "No one needs 50 minutes to do all that. A hot, relaxing shower for 20 minutes would do the trick. He's milking the system and trying to shirk his responsibilities. He'll only have, like, an hour with the kids per day with this schedule. It's insane."

"NTA," agreed a different person. "As someone who worked in construction, I get it. It's exhausting, it's physical. None of that matters, as you are parents now. You're tired? That's fun, so is your wife."

Then this woman commented, "NTA, it sounds like your husband does nothing to help you with the house and the kids. He should be taking shorter showers and spending time with his children and helping you perform the night duties! You take care of the kids all day without a break or help.

"He gets scheduled breaks to sit and eat and has coworkers. As a single mum who works and takes care of my kid, I'd rather work. Being a SAHM of young kids is exhausting and will-breaking. The fact that he doesn't help you at all and treats you like the live-in nanny is insane."

"SAHM is a job and preparing meals is one of the most important roles. Do your job"

On the other hand, someone else said, "YTA... You act like you're the only one that has been working all day. And many parents make dinner while also watching their kids." 

Someone else wrote, "YTA, the dude just wants an hour to himself. Just like I'm sure you want an hour to yourself every now and then. You both should start disciplining and make sure your kids understand it's not acceptable. Regardless of age, it's taught behaviour. So stop them when it's not acceptable. Or worse; especially dangerous in the kitchen, knives, hot stuff, spillables."

"YTA. Give your husband a break. Being a stay-at-home mum isn’t easy, but neither is providing for a family of four. You have a much greater capacity to manage your time, prep or sneak in breaks throughout the day," argued another commenter. 

"If you want him to walk around in dirty clothes stinking like a hard day's work that is gross. SAHM is a job and preparing meals is one of the most important roles. YTA, do your job."

"Your hard-working man needs a shower after his 12-hour day. It's you who needs to figure this out," advised a fellow SAHM.

Meanwhile, many commenters suggested the mum meal prep in advance, cook during the day or buy a baby gate. 

Originally published as My husband takes long morning showers to avoid helping with the kids