My cousin is the reason why I won't let my kids do sleepovers

"The scariest part is there was no way we could have known until she confessed, years later."

My daughter recently asked me if she could have a sleep-over, and I straight out said ‘no’.

She’s only six, so I feel that’s too young anyway, but there are other reasons in the back of my head that keep me from allowing her to stay at other people’s houses.

When I was 18, my older sister told me that she had been molested in her childhood. It was by a cousin, right under my parents’ noses. 

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The impact was devastating

Growing up, he would stay at our house all the time, and vice versa.

The abuse started when my sister was eight and he was 15. He would force her to do sexual acts on him while my parents were busy working or out getting groceries.

When my sister finally told me about it, it explained so much of her behaviour over the years. It was like all these pieces of the puzzle finally fit into place, and I understood her a lot better.

The impact of that life-changing event was devastating. As a teenager, she became hyper-sexual from an early age.

She confided in me that so much of her self-worth came from the attention of the opposite sex.

Years later, I asked her what the biggest sliding door moment of her life was, thinking she might say it was when she met her husband or had her kids.

She said it was the abuse, because it really affected her life path.

When child sexual abuse affects someone you love, it indirectly impacts you too, and now that I’m a parent myself, I’ve become extremely protective of my kids.

Image: iStock

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My job, above all else, is to protect my children

Unlike my husband, who has never known someone who has been traumatised by abuse, I’ve seen the damage it does firsthand.

So, when my little girl asked me about a sleepover, I told her the truth. 

“Mummy’s not comfortable with it, honey,” I said. She accepted it pretty quickly.

When my nine-year-old son asked about a sleepover, the answer was the same.

Part of me is sad about the fact that my kids are missing out on some of those foundational memories I had as a child. 

I remember staying up late chatting to my girlfriends on the trampoline and discussing our latest crushes, then falling asleep in front of movies together in our PJs.

But, for me, the benefit of making those kinds of memories just doesn’t outweigh the potential cost and the anxiety that would accompany a night away, or the lifetime of trauma that could eventuate.

It doesn’t matter how well you think you know the parents – even family can be guilty of breaching that trust, just as my sister sadly discovered.

And for anyone who blindly thinks it won't happen to their child, the statistics say otherwise.

It’s estimated that one in four Australians aged 16 years and over have experienced child sexual abuse. Females are twice as likely to have experienced child sexual abuse than males.

I was dreading having to cross this bridge, but now that I’ve arrived, I feel confident about the stance I’ve chosen.

My job, above all else, is to protect my children. And that’s what I plan to do.

For more information about child sexual abuse, see Bravehearts or Raising Children Network. Bravehearts'  information and support line can be reached at 1800 272 831.

Originally published as My cousin is the reason why I won't let my kids do sleepovers