'I taught my son about consent before he turned five. Here's why.'

Some parents wait until puberty to talk about consent - but I believe these conversations should start as soon as our kids can comprehend them.

Rebel Wylie

3 min read

June 18, 2025 - 2:13PM

Parenting

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When my son was about three, he started pushing his sister over for fun.

They were rough-and-tumble toddlers, both learning about limits. Every time he did it, I’d say the same thing: “Did she say yes?”

It sounds like an odd thing to ask a preschooler, but for me, it was the beginning of a conversation I knew couldn’t wait until puberty.

I’m a mum of four - two girls, two boys. And after years of watching how kids absorb the world around them, I’ve realised that some of the biggest values we want them to carry through life - kindness, empathy, boundaries - are built in those early years.

Not when they start dating. Not when the school sends home a permission slip for “that talk.” But much, much earlier.

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Consent starts early (even if we don’t call it that)

In our house, we don’t always use the word “consent” with our kids. What we do talk about is listening, stopping, checking in. If someone’s crying, we ask, “Did they like that?” If someone doesn’t want to be tickled or hugged or climbed on, we say, “Okay - they said no. We stop now.”

It’s not a big dramatic lesson. It’s just part of the way we interact.

It’s also not perfect. There are still sibling squabbles and tears and moments I handle badly. But the overall message is there: Your body belongs to you. And you need to respect other people’s bodies, too.

This isn’t just a conversation for girls

We talk about consent in our home, and it’s not just because we have daughters. And yes, I want my girls to grow up knowing they can say no without guilt. That their safety and comfort matter. That they don’t have to explain or justify why something doesn’t feel right.

But I also have sons. And I want them to grow up understanding that no one owes them a yes. That being liked, or being in love, or even being told “maybe” doesn’t mean someone’s agreeing to something.

Just as importantly, I want them to know they can say no too. To peer pressure. To a friend being too rough. To anything that makes them uncomfortable.

Consent isn’t only relevant in the bedroom. It’s part of playing fairly. Sharing toys. Knowing when a joke has gone too far. Understanding that no one owes you affection, attention, or anything more.

Image: Supplied

It’s not about being “woke”

Sometimes when I’d mention this to other parents, they’d roll their eyes. As if I was trying to turn my toddlers into walking HR manuals.

But it’s not about labels or politics. It’s about helping them grow up with the kind of awareness I wish more of us had when we were younger.

Because if we’re honest, many of us were raised in a world where “no” wasn’t always respected. Where saying “I’m not sure” left room for negotiation. Where we were taught to be polite, even when we felt unsafe.

I don’t want that for my kids - any of them. I want them to grow up feeling confident in their boundaries, and thoughtful about other people’s.

It’s a long game

There’s no one conversation that ticks the consent box. It’s a hundred small moments. It’s stopping a game when someone says stop. It’s not forcing goodbye hugs when they’re not in the mood. It’s teaching them to ask, to check in, to apologise when they get it wrong.

It’s messy and repetitive and sometimes I wonder if it’s sinking in at all. But then I’ll hear one of my kids ask, “Do you want to play this or not?” Or stop mid-game and say, “Wait, are you okay with this?”

And I think: okay. This is how it starts.

No big lectures. Just slow, steady learning.

That’s how we raise kids who get it - not just when they’re teenagers, but long before.

And hopefully, long after too.