I didn’t talk to other parents at a kid's party - and I’m not ashamed of it

“I told the host mum, ‘This is not my natural habitat. I’m going to put my headphones on and sit over here'.”

At a child’s birthday party last month, Em did something no other parent at the play centre did - and she’s incredibly proud of it.  

The autistic and ADHD mum from the Hunter Valley used to be the “life of the party” by chatting to other parents she barely knew and socialising the entire time. 

But not anymore. 

“There was a pressure that came from a lifetime of being told by the world that it was how I should behave, otherwise it would be rude or socially unacceptable,” the 35-year-old  tells Kidspot. 

“You are taught to suppress needs that you have to perform for everybody else. But that’s not my natural behaviour, so I don’t do that anymore. I don’t put on my mask that I had on for so long.” 

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RELATED: 'My entire family is neurodivergent'

"I'm going to sit over here"

Instead, Em did something no other parent at the party did - but that didn’t bother her in the slightest.  

“I came in and greeted the host, who is the mum of my child’s best friend and said to her, ‘This is not my natural habitat. I’m going to put my headphones on and sit over here',” Em says. 

“And she replied, ‘I totally get it. That’s fine’. I didn’t know any of the other parents or the children there, so there was no reason for me to have to go and meet them.” 

From a table where she could see all three of her children in the centre - and her husband, who was within arm’s reach of her four-year-old the entire time - Em sat with her invaluable noise-cancelling headphones and created some illustrations, which is one of her fields of work. 

“I did go and continually check on my elder boys, and if my husband wasn’t there, I would have been the one with my youngest through the play centre while having my headphones on, which I’ve done many times before,” she says. 

“When the kids want to leave, I leave it completely up to them.” 

Removing herself from the party’s social circle didn’t bother the mum-of-three - whose children are also all autistic/ADHD - nor any of the guests. 

“I’ve never had anyone say anything about what I or my kids are doing, but I would be prepared to say something back if they did,” Em, who was diagnosed 18 months ago, says. 

“It doesn’t bother me what other people are thinking.”

Em did what was good for her at the party. Image: supplied

RELATED: To the other mums of neurodivergent kids – I see you

"I become a big emotional mess"

In fact, Em takes her noise-cancelling earphones to many other places, too, such as the shopping centre (where she also takes some for the kids if they need them). 

“If I don’t wear them, I’ll notice at the end of the day, when I’m trying to get the kids showered with the noise of the water and exhaust fan that I have no patience left and it feels like I have nothing to give,” the mum, who works as a speech pathologist, illustrator, advocate through NeuroWild, as well as homeschooling one of her children, says. 

“Every little thing feels catastrophic, and I can’t access my reasoning or problem-solving, and I become a big emotional mess.” 

For this family, loud environments such as play centres are very much a rare occasion - for everybody’s well-being. 

“We usually stay far away from play centres as they are very overwhelming for me,” Em, who had to sleep for three hours after the most recent party, says. 

“My husband isn’t as averse to them, so sometimes he will take them on his own. But we tend not to do it more than very occasionally because it’s something that’s not suited to my kids in general in terms of the mental depletion afterwards, but we don’t want them to miss out on an experience they want to do. It’s just about everyone being prepared.” 

Pretending to be neurotypical has cost them dearly

What the family most loves most is staying home playing card and board games, and communal video games. 

“We are homebodies, so those are the happiest and safest things for us all around, rather than going out to a zoo, for example, which is such an emotional adventure, and we realise we should instead be doing things we actually enjoy more.” 

When she does go out, Em tries to follow her own advice and “unmask” - despite it not always being easy. 

“A lot of neurodivergent adults know they need to unmask because pretending to be neurotypical has cost them dearly, but even when you do that for your own mental health, it’s still really hard,” she says. 

“You don’t have to hold yourself to an unattainable standard. We need to not be masking anymore and accept all the things about ourselves and accommodate that. Unmasking is as much for my kids as it is for me.”

Originally published as I didn’t talk to other parents at a kid's party - and I’m not ashamed of it