'I can't stop thinking about my baby dying'

“The feeling is unbearable, and it almost feels like I’m grieving him while he is still alive.”

Melinda* is constantly terrified as a new mum.

She had her first baby nine months ago, and while he is the “light of my life”, Melinda admits she has dark thoughts.

“Since he was born, I constantly imagine what it would be like if he were to ever pass away,” she said.

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“The thought instantly brings me to tears every time, and I think about it multiple times a day.

“I watch his every move with the closest eye and I overreact when small things happen to him.”

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Melinda* has intrusive thoughts about her baby dying, even though he's perfectly healthy. Picture: iStock

"Why am I obsessing over this so much?"

Melinda explains there’s a reason for her thoughts: she has a sad history of losing family members.

“My dad passed away when I was nine, and my cousin passed away from SIDS when I was 15,” she said.

“I can’t help to think about my son passing away and vowing to myself that if he ever did, I would simply kill myself to rid the pain.

“I know these thoughts aren’t normal, but why am I obsessing over this so much?

“The feeling is unbearable, and it almost feels like I’m grieving him while he is still alive.”

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"I'm now realising how rough my mental state was"

Melinda took to Reddit with her feelings, and people were quick to point out the new mum may have something else going on.

“This sounds like postpartum anxiety,” one person wrote. “I’d speak to your doctor about how you’re feeling.”

“I had extreme intrusive thoughts like this and I thought it was normal,” another person wrote. “But now I have my second kid and I have zero intrusive thoughts, I’m now realising how rough my mental state was.

“You’ve experienced some really close deaths and of course your brain is trying to collect the highest point with the lowest points, it’s what our stupid brains do.”

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“I went through this with my third, and it was traumatic,” a third person wrote.

“I wouldn’t let him be in the kitchen while I was cooking because I saw a pot of water falling and hurting him.

“If he needed a bath, I would make my husband stay in there with me because I was terrified he’d drown.

“It’s not your fault, and you being able to recognise something going on and seeking advice shows how strong you are.”

*Names have been changed.

Originally published as 'I can't stop thinking about my baby dying'