Nikki Osborne on window seat etiquette: What do you do when you need to go to the bathroom?

It’s one of the best things you can do on a long flight – but there is a potentially embarrassing and painful downside.

The window seat may have the views, but how do you get out when you need to? Picture: iStock

Recently I flew to Spain sans kids. You can hate me, that’s fine. You’re only human. However, I must admit, not going with the kids opened up a whole new raft of logistical difficulties I’d never experienced.

Normally when airborne with our standard four bundle, we have our own row. Traditionally, international air travel with one’s kids is likened to a form of torture. Not only are you going through your own personal discomforts and existential crisis caused by the never-ending sleepless, airless marathon in the torture tube with wings, but with kids, you’re also getting elbowed, whinged at and woken every time you dare close your eyes. But at least you’ve got control of your row.

‘Too racy for television’: Sonia Kruger’s comment to Nikki Osborne that led to floods of complaints

Nikki Osborne: What your favourite workout secretly says about you

Now I’m a window girl domestically. Always have been. It doesn’t matter how many times I’ve flown to the same destination, I’m that person with their nose pinned to the window watching the world go by as she ponders the meaning of life. I go full picnic at hanging rock.

I could never understand why anyone would choose an aisle seat. And then my trip to Spain happened.

Picture: iStock

It all started great. My hubby and I excitedly shimmied into our seats up against the window.

Then our aisle guy arrived. A big, quiet Spanish dude who clearly didn’t speak a word of English. I said to my husband: he seems chill, phew.

Not only was he chill, he was unconscious the entire flight. And no, this was not a good thing because over the course of 14 hours, a girl’s gotta pee and he was like a human boulder sitting in my way. Not even Jesus could’ve moved this thing. What was I to do?

I started running over exit strategies with my husband. What’s the appropriate move? A gentle tap and wake? Accidentally letting your phone alarm go off? Praying for some toddler to lose their shit in the next aisle?

Nikki Osborne

These are all the things I’ve never had to worry about while travelling with my kids because naturally they never sleep and my command to get past them is simply “oi, move”. Sure I have to remove about 10,000 cables they’ve plugged in for entertainment and undoubtedly step in their dropped yoghurt but at least I’m in control. Whereas on this flight, I was starting to have a panic attack in seat 49K that I’d never pee again.

We sat there for two hours working out how I could pull a human twister move across the visible parts of armrests while not pulling too hard on the headrests of the people in front. Yes, it would mean that there’s the potential that he’d wake up with me straddling him but what was the alternative?

Then an opportunity arose. No, he didn’t wake up. I’d actually decided he had probably died so had given up on that angle. Instead, the woman behind me with two toddlers got up with one of her children, freeing a path in the row behind me. So I said with great trepidation, “Excuse me, would you mind if I climbed over your sleeping kid to go to the bathroom?’ She then said in a thick Scottish accent: “Yes sure, I can see he hasn’t moved” to which I responded, “I reckon he’s dead.” We both giggled then I did the unthinkable, I climbed over the back of my own seat like an eight year old in the playground, and finally relieved myself. In the bathroom.

What I want to know is, what is the correct etiquette on a long haul flight? And how many times is too many times to ask the aisle person to move?

Originally published as Nikki Osborne on window seat etiquette: What do you do when you need to go to the bathroom?