Have you got 'perfect moment syndrome'?

Perfectionism takes many forms

Perfect moment syndrome could be adding pressure to your life. Image: iStock

Do you get stressed when plans don't go the way you thought they would? Or frustrated when things don't live up to your expectations? You could be experiencing 'perfect moment syndrome'. 

For Type A people, high expectations are often part and parcel of our personalities. 

We want things to go how we expect them. We don’t like curveballs or last-minute changes. We’re happiest when plans go off without a hitch. Unpredictability is hard to manage because it means things aren’t progressing how we expect them to – how they’re supposed to. 

Sound familiar? If this is you, you might also be experiencing ‘perfect moment syndrome’, and it could be having more of an impact on your mental wellness than you think. 

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What is perfect moment syndrome? 

‘Perfect moment syndrome’ refers to the need a lot of us have for certain events or experiences to live up to our expectations. 

Coined by author Sarah Wilson in her best-selling book First, We Make the Beast Beautiful, ‘perfect moment syndrome’, she says, is an affliction that “affects those of us who think life should operate in a certain way and to certain ratios. That birthdays are always happy, that a week in Thailand is meant to be relaxing, that a long-awaited date with your partner at a special restaurant will bring you closer together.” 

It’s a form of perfectionism, a permeation of control. Which often stems from a place of anxiety or obsessive-compulsive tendencies. 

Unsurprisingly, this characterisation has struck a chord with people all over the internet, validating how a lot of us feel about the pressure to realise these perfect moments. 

But there’s a collective understanding that the pressure of perfect moment syndrome weighs heavily on those who experience it. 

Perfect moment syndrome can lead to disappointment. Image: iStock

What’s the problem with perfect moment syndrome?

“Most of us like stability and predictability,” clinical psychologist Dr Lienna Wilson told Well+Good earlier this year, when asked about why we experience stress about things we’re looking forward to. 

“You hope that everything will go according to plan after spending months preparing…Still, you can’t help but feel stressed because so many factors are beyond your control”. 

When we set high expectations for how things must go, it leaves a lot of room for failure. It isn’t really failure at all, but when we tie our self-worth to events or occasions eventuating exactly as we plan them, how can we not be disappointed? 

The result is that all the time and effort we’ve put into these events, all the excitement we feel in their lead-up, is spoiled because in its place is a feeling of confusion, helplessness, and regret. 

In the comments section of one of TikTok creator @youloveandyoulearn’s viral videos about perfect moment syndrome, people expressed their gratitude that perfect moment syndrome was finally being spoken about. 

“I’m so happy we’re talking about this. My bar is so ridiculously high that I’m almost always disappointed” one person said. 

Another wrote, “My whole life. Holidays as a kid, my prom. My daughter's graduation. My mood ruins big events due to anxiety from expectations.” 

@youloveandyoulearn

do you experience perfect moment syndrome? how does that impact the experiences you have? what might it be like to shift from “this is how it *should be*” to “let’s see how this goes” without judging the outcome? #relationshipanxiety #perfectionist #perfectionism

♬ original sound - Sarah | Relationship Anxiety

Why do people experience perfect moment syndrome? 

So why are we like this? From anecdotal evidence, it feels like the time we spent indoors alone in lockdown, unable to have much fun or make many memories at all, reinforced this. It instilled a rampant desire to live, beautifully, abundantly, and document it for all to see – almost as if we’re patching up the holes in our memory where our lives for two years were meant to be. 

Thus, when things don’t go the way we want them to – there’s a storm on your beach holiday, you end up crying on your birthday, or someone spills red wine on your meticulously planned table setting – it feels so much worse than it would otherwise. 

Image and video sharing apps like Instagram, TikTok and Pinterest definitely contribute to this literally ‘picture perfect’ mentality. Just like the joke ‘If it wasn’t on Instagram did it even happen?’, there’s an assumption that the things we do should be aesthetically pleasing enough to photograph, because otherwise what’s the point?

This eternal pressure to design, deliver and perform perfection makes it impossible to stuff things up. Makes it hard to breathe, even, because there’s always this urge that things should go exactly to plan. And perfection doesn’t leave much breathing room. 

Excessive planning and obsessing over outcomes can lead to high expectations. Image: Unsplash

How to manage perfect moment syndrome

While perfect moment syndrome can feel suffocating, there are things you can do to manage it. 

@youloveandyoulearn suggests the first place to start is to make a point of checking in with yourself and becoming aware of what your expectations are, which can alleviate a lot of the pressure you were unconsciously holding over your own head. 

Once you’ve anticipated this reaction might come up, you can actively change the way you think about these ‘perfect’ moments, and be open to more than the one possibility you allow yourself. 

She also suggests that it’s important to be compassionate to yourself when those feelings start to set in. Make note of the fact you’re feeling underwhelmed or disappointed and then try to rewire that thought process. 

If you need help doing so, seeking help from a therapist or clinical psychologist is the best place to get started.

Originally published as Have you got 'perfect moment syndrome'?