Real Housewives of Sydney season 3 episode 2 recap: Vagina painting and a naked dinner

Two Aussie reality stars fronted up to a gallery – only to discover they’d been enlisted for a painting session with a difference.

Last week’s Real Housewives of Sydney premiere ended with an explosive fight at dinner between Kate and Caroline.

It seems like being a Real Housewife is a part-time job, because this week, while the other girls head to Noosa for a stay at Krissy’s luxe beach house, Kate is nowhere to be seen. Oh, and neither is Terry (more on that later).

Ladies: Refusing to attend glamorous weekends away because you are feuding with your castmates is literally the opposite of what a Real Housewife is required to do. You go to Noosa and you make those group dinners miserable for all involved!

Now, Krissy’s kind of a big deal in Noosa, according to … Krissy.

“I like to see myself as the Queen of Noosa,” is a line she manages to deliver to the camera with a straight face.

So what exactly are the Queen of Noosa’s royal duties? It seems like it mostly involves glomming around her manor in a giant hat, looming over her many, many staff like some sort of glamorous Babadook:

Careful – her vision is based on movement

MORE: Real Housewives of Sydney’s secret stash

The other ladies (well, those who bothered to turn up) assemble at Krissy’s house, where she’s waiting to greet them at the front door. She’s so excited to see them, she’s forgotten to put any clothes on.

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In this light, from some angles, that dress is a teensy bit see-through

“There’s Krissy! She’s naked … oh my god,” Victoria mutters gravely as her car pulls up.

Enforced public nudity soon emerges as the central theme of this episode, as the ladies do a quick costume change and gather for cocktails and dinner.

As they admire each other’s glam evening wear, Martine compliments Caroline on the sparkly underwear she’s wearing, that she can just make out under her sheer dress.

Caroline replies that in fact, she’s not wearing any underwear at all. There’s a clear inference being made here: Caroline has a glow-in-the-dark vagina.

Seems Caroline brought her own night light

From there, the convo descends into a tit-for-tat about who else goes commando when wearing a figure-hugging dress.

Self-proclaimed Etiquette Queen Nicole (honestly, there are more Queens on this show than Drag Race) finds this all extremely distasteful.

“I don’t engage in underwear talk – it’s not dinner party conversation for me. If I wanted to see beavers, I’d watch the Discovery Channel,” she sniffs. Umm, Nicole, with a quip like that you’re filthier than the rest of them!

Over dinner, the main topic of discussion is Kate’s no-show (actually, maybe it was a genius move on Kate’s part. Easiest way to become the centre of attention is to simply not turn up). Krissy’s still fuming, declaring that it’s “the height of bad manners, and shows really, really bad breeding.” Krissy, she’s a vet, not a Schnauzer.

The next morning, Caroline and Martine head out on an excursion that Krissy’s specially booked them into: A visit to a local art gallery with a very … specific theme.

Caroline and Martine take in the local sights

As they step into the gallery and observe the oversized, pink works adorning the walls, they’re both struck by the same realisation: They’re surrounded by giant vaginas (told you there was a theme to this episode).

Ever the art appreciator, Caroline describes the works as “abstract coochie.”

”Abstract coochie,” beautiful words Caroline.

The gallery-owner-cum-artist (sorry everyone, won’t happen again) tells Caroline and Martine that they’re not just here to observe the artwork – they’re here to make one of their own.

Suddenly, a female life model appears from behind a curtain, nude but for a gauzey sheer slip dress.

Artful camera angles keep the show’s PG rating intact, but it appears the model settles into the Cell Block Tango’s Acrobatic Trick Number Seventeen (the spreadeagle – where my Kander and Ebb heads at?) while these budding artists get to work.

OK verrrrry intense eye contact from the life model

And now, just to round out the episode … More nudity! The ladies gather for another dinner, and this time the Queen of Noosa has enlisted the help of some cater-waiters who are not only topless but, when they turn around, bottomless too:

Hole out in front of the hors d’oeuvres? I thought this was a classy party

Over dinner, talk turns, yet again, to Kate’s absence. Martine is so bored by this topic she buries her head in her hands and moans “f**k my liiiiife.” Look, same, tbh.

It seems like Kate’s got beef with just about everyone at the table, except for Sally.

Victoria has a theory about why this might be.

“Please don’t take this the wrong way,” she says, which is what you say when you’re about to say something that can only be taken the wrong way.

“You’re the only person she hasn’t had a go at. Do you think that’s … because you’ve been unwell? Because you’ve had cancer?”

Not sure what’s more offensive - Victoria’s statement or her hat

Former TV presenter Sally, of course, was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer back in 2011, and was given the all-clear a year later. The suggestion that a bout of ill health more than a decade earlier has granted her protected status among the group is strange to say the least.

So strange, in fact, we get a rare f-bomb from Sally (this happens but once a season).

“Oh, f**k off. Who thinks that? I’m not sure if I’m deeply offended, or outraged, or both,” she fumes.

Martine swiftly moves the conversation along by asking about another absent friend who hasn’t been seen at all so far this season: Terry.

The girls allude to some sort of ultimatum Terry had made after her feud with Nicole last season – either Nicole leave the group (aka the show) or she would. The others all had Nicole’s back, and consequently, they say that “Terry is no longer in the group.”

Someone may need to inform them that she’s still in the opening credits, suggesting their exile wasn’t all that successful.

And sure enough, next week: Terry makes her return …

New episodes of the Real Housewives of Sydney premiere Tuesdays at 1:30pm AEDT on BINGE.

Originally published as Real Housewives of Sydney season 3 episode 2 recap: Vagina painting and a naked dinner