James Weir recaps Married At First Sight episode 5: Groom begs producers not to air scene. They do.

A MAFS groom launched crisis talks with producers to ensure you didn’t see an embarrassing scene in tonight’s episode. It aired anyway. James Weir recaps.

A Married At First Sight groom desperately tries to avoid “national ridicule” on Sunday night by begging the TV crew not to air a humiliating scene, but his hysterical demands only attract further attention — thus ensuring producers centre the entire episode around the husband being totally embarrassing.

The crazy thing? The particular moment he’s concerned about isn’t even the most mortifying thing he does tonight.

And as for his wife? She should be begging producers not to air her unique observations about brunette babies.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS:Read all the recaps here

Australia, meet Jacqui. She’s a very important businesswoman. Want proof? Here she is strutting through the CBD while clutching a laptop portfolio sleeve:

‘Do you have a business woman special?’ Picture: Channel 9

She’s matched with Ryan — a guy who listens to way too much Jay Shetty.

“Where have all the warriors gone? Where have all the philosophers gone? Where have all the poets gone? Where have all the knights gone?” he muses. “I consider myself a modern hybrid. I have a warrior’s mentality and modern self-awareness.”

We’re willing to debate that latter claim regarding self-awareness … but, please, continue.

“I think it can be hard to match with me because who out there can be intelligent and also as good looking as I want them to be?” he ponders. “It’s almost unfair to ask that.”

What am I looking for in a partner? Someone who doesn’t listen to Jay Shetty or Mel Robbins podcasts. Picture: Channel 9.

Sometimes, with the dark art of television recaps, you need to know when to step back and let your subjects shine. My voice isn’t needed here. Let’s allow Ryan and Jacqui to do all the talking.

“It’s impossible to find someone on my level,” Jacqui informs us.

“I think most guys date me because I’m hot. And, don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to just be the hot girl. But I actually went to university.”

She’s clearly very informed. And she demonstrates this high-level education while explaining her feud with brunette babies.

“I come from a family with very good genetics, so I’d really love to have a blonde family like mine. And having children that are blonde would be great because I’d be able to relate with them a lot more,” she says.

If producers could find a way to control the genetics of their contestants, they’d ensure Jacqui gives birth to a baby with green Billie Eilish hair.

At the altar, Jacqui’s worst fear is realised.

“I’m a little bit disappointed he’s not blonde,” she says, her lips quivering.

Ugh, Jacqui, get over it. If you pump out a baby with brown hair, just dunk its head in some Clairol Nice’n Easy and call it a day.

She looks thrilled! Picture: Channel 9.

We all start to think Jacqui is a little superficial. But she proves us wrong with her heartwarming vows.

“Together maybe we can afford an eastern suburbs mortgage,” she tells Ryan in front of their nearest and dearest. “I’d love to have a double vanity his-and-her bathroom one day.”

The catch? She doesn’t want to share the his-and-her bathroom with Ryan.

“I’m not happy,” she sobs to us.

She doesn’t realise there’s about to be more pain in just a few minutes. During the couple’s first dance, Ryan shows off his warrior skills but picking up his new wife … and then dropping her. Instead of a his-and-her bathroom, they’re gonna need his-and-her back braces.

So far, so good … Picture: Channel 9

… And it all comes crashing down. Picture: Channel 9

A blonde man never would’ve allowed this to happen. Picture: Channel 9

A producer runs over.

“Let us know if you start to feel dizzy,” she tells Jacqui.

(Side note: It’s hilarious watching the producers keep a straight face while pretending to be concerned about the welfare of these freaks).

Ryan interrupts. He has bigger concerns than his wife’s potential concussion.

“Can we discuss afterwards potentially leaving that part out?” he pleads with the crew about his botched dance. “My friends didn’t come here to see me drop my wife. I’m not thinking of myself here, I’m thinking of her.”

The producer tries not to laugh in his face.

“We can talk about that later,” she lies before quickly scurrying away and cackling into her headset mic.

Ryan’s life literally starts flashing before his eyes. What will the other warriors and poets think when they see this embarrassing moment on national TV? Picture: Channel 9

The warrior goes on the hunt. He marches outside and holds crisis talks with the producers — begging the scene be omitted from the broadcast.

“I’ve literally never dropped anyone in my entire life, so I don’t wanna be that guy!” he frets.

Poor, naive Ryan. He doesn’t realise how reality TV works. Never let the producers know you’re embarrassed about a particular moment. Doing so will only ensure they lean into it. Lest we forget the time Jack forgot to flush the toilet in 2022’s season of MAFS.

It’s The Streisand Effect — something Gina Rinehart became all too familiar with last year when she tried having her unflattering portrait whizzed through the paper shredder.

“I need to have a discussion with production about preserving that woman’s dignity because that was not right,” Ryan continues to spiral. “That was a miscalculation and I don’t feel that she needs to be ridiculed like that. I’m not thinking of myself here. I don’t want those reactions to be the subject of national ridicule. People will laugh – ‘look at this dickhead … blah, blah, blah’. All I can do is request that it not make it to national broadcast because I’ll be the first groom in the history of this show to drop the bride.”

The warrior is worked up into an almighty tizz and loses the battle. Turns out, even knights can get their chain mail panties in a twist.

Facebook: @hellojamesweir

Originally published as James Weir recaps Married At First Sight episode 5: Groom begs producers not to air scene. They do.