Rove McManus sharing his experience with grief reveals complexity of mourning

Rove McManus has candidly discussed his grief after losing his first wife Belinda Emmett to cancer and his admission reveals a sad truth.

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Television personality Rove McManus has opened up about his experience with grief after losing his wife Belinda Emmett to breast cancer.

As someone that has just lost their dad, it was a conversation I needed to hear.

Emmett was just 32 when she died after a rigorous and public eight-year battle with breast cancer.

McManus was Australia’s most famous TV host at the time, thanks to the runaway success of 10’s Rove Live, and Australia watched as the funny man became the guy whose wife had just died.

I can relate. I was this normal girl in her 20s, and then I became the girl whose dad died.

Rove McManus and Belinda were an iconic 2000s couple.

Belinda Emmett with Rove McManus attended the Logies together again 2006.

In 2006 he didn’t speak about the loss, but he opened up about his grief and the public’s interest in his mourning on a podcast with Jessica Rowe this week.

“At the time, it was difficult because you’re trying to juggle what you’re dealing with in life with what you’re dealing with at work. And again, having to do promotion which is part of the job as people want to know what you’re doing.

“But then people want to know what’s happening at home. It’s none of your business what’s happening at home.

“I’m not here to talk about what’s happening at home. If you want to know, you need to be a friend of mine. But if you’re a stranger on the street, you’ll get, ‘Fine, it’s good,” he shared.

And isn’t that just the harsh reality of grief? Obviously, McManus’s loss was highlighted by the fact he was a public figure, but when you lose someone you love, and it suddenly becomes small talk, it is complicated.

Rove has not always been open about his grief. Picture: Josh Woning

Me and my dad before he died. Picture: Instagram

My dad died in February, so I’m still using the same shampoo bottle I used when he died. There’s probably stuff in my fridge that I haven’t even got the chance to throw out yet, and the grief constantly feels like a hand wrapped around my neck reminding me that I haven’t found a way to breath easy without him yet.

Of course, on the outside, it doesn’t look like that. I wear bright colours and go to work, gigs, dinners and birthdays.

You name it, I’m there with a smile and a story, and if someone asks how I am, the majority of people get, “I’m fine” or “I’m OK”, or “Yes, it sucks, but how are you?”

You’d be surprised how quickly people pounce on the opportunity to talk about themselves.

I understand why McManus didn’t feel like sharing his grief with the world, he doesn’t owe the world his suffering, and it certainly doesn’t feel good when someone’s death becomes some random person’s version of small talk.

“Oh, there’s Mary! I should be polite and ask about her dead dad.”

Part of me feels like people aren’t really interested in hearing how I am going.

Death makes everyone uncomfortable, if they think about the fact I’ve lost my dad, they’ll start to worry about their own dad and they’d rather just not think about it and talk Ariana Grande’s latest hairstyle.

So my natural reflex is to give people a way out. But I also don’t want to talk about it because I don’t know how to yet.

Yet, when people don’t ask me about it, I feel hurt too.

Grief is even uncomfortable for the person going through it. I am, naturally, a happy person and now my default setting has changed a bit.

I feel vulnerable, raw and uncertain of myself, and I can have a perfectly normal day, then turn on a crime show and be reminded that I know what a dead body feels like because I held my dad’s hand after he died.

How do I just tell someone that when they ask how I am? I simply can’t.

It is funny because even though I am going through grief right now, I don’t even truly know how I want people to react.

Rove has had a hugely successful career while dealing with his loss. Picture: Instagram

Rove has since found love with actress Tasma Walton. Picture: Brendon Thorne/Getty Images

Julie Sweet, a clinical psychotherapist, explained that if you do want to comfort someone through grief, it is important to create the space they need.

“Holding space for someone and actively listening may be all the person enduring the loss requires. However, they may need to hear something as small as how sorry a person is, or how empathetic they are and feel a simple understanding,” she explained.

Ms Sweet also said it was important to make the person experiencing grief feel comfortable. “Normalising their experience and causing them to feel they’re not alone nor judged can be hugely beneficial. The act of bearing witness to another’s grief can be a wonderful gift,” she said.

Of course, Ms Sweet also swears by communication — saying “I don’t know what to say” is better than avoiding the person.

“Communication is crucial (cliche yet true). Even if nervous or doubtful, communicate and don’t be afraid to say the wrong thing or anything at all. Your presence may be all that’s wanted. So if you can, give the person your presence,” she said.

I understand why McManus didn’t talk about his grief for years, but I’m grateful he shared his thoughts this week because even that has made me feel less alone.

Originally published as Rove McManus sharing his experience with grief reveals complexity of mourning