The nine guaranteed ways to make your colleagues hate you forever

AVOIDING conflict in the workplace can be a challenge, especially if your colleagues practise these seriously annoying habits.

YOU can choose your friends, but who you work with is a card dealt by fate — and God forbid we should all get along.

If office workers were nations, we’d be looking down the barrel of a nuclear winter.

The daily grind is challenging enough when colleagues follow basic social norms, but like rogue states many desk jockeys are flouting the rules of engagement.

These are the nine most annoying habits that threaten the social fabric of every workplace:

1. CHEMICAL WARFARE

That colleague who thinks he or she is the height of sophistication when they waft into the office cloaked in a heavy mist of perfume. We don’t care if you bought it in Paris, or if it was on sale at Myer. You are choking us. This applies to aftershave, cologne and cheap body sprays with expensive marketing campaigns. Especially selfish are those who top up spray-on deodorant at their desks, spritzing their armpits without a thought for their more chemically sensitive colleagues. Then there are those who treat their desk like a nail salon. It’s not OK!

Common scents: Think of others before you douse yourself in fragrance on your way to work.

2. VOLUME CONTROL

Some people just aren’t born with a volume switch, but they need to learn how to whisper before that piercing screech destroys an eardrum. You work in an open-plan office, the person sitting 10 metres away doesn’t need to hear your phone conversation. Extra points are deducted for personal calls — no one cares whether your friend Stacey is back together with Steve. While we’re at it, loud eaters should be put on notice: chew with your mouths closed, and if it’s crunchy, go somewhere else to eat it.

3. DESK CREEP

It’s the work space equivalent of a close talker: that colleague who seems bizarrely unaware of their incursion into your personal space, letting their mountain of paperwork edge ever further over your side of the desk. We could spend hours contemplating the psychological basis for this phenomenon — part hoarding disorder, part megalomania. It’s time to draw a line in the metaphorical sand and assert our desk sovereignty.

Divide and conquer: the battle for desk space sovereignty is waged daily.

4. EMAIL BOMBING

Nothing gets under the skin of the frazzled office worker quite like the reply-all email. While some lonely hearts just like to feel included, those with healthy emotional lives agree that hitting reply-all is one of the most irritating office habits. The most infuriating thing is that, half the time, we don’t even know who these people are, let alone care about the substance of the conversation. Extra points are deducted for people who use GIFs or emojis in chain emails.

5. BIO HAZARD

At risk of entering OCD territory, it must be said that spreading bacteria over every available surface is a revolving way to treat your workspace. You wouldn’t behave that way at your mum’s kitchen table, yet somehow what you’re doing is important enough to warrant smearing grease all over the keyboard and telephone? And don’t even get us started about people who come to work while in the early throes of a cold or flu.

If you feel the need to wear one of these, it might be a good idea to stay home.

6. KITCHEN MELTDOWN

The breakdown of office etiquette reaches its peak at 1pm, when blood sugar levels drop and all semblance of social order breaks down in the kitchen. Every office has one bright spark who nukes their lunch then wanders off while their hungry colleagues wait listlessly near the microwave, unsure whether to keep waiting like idiots, or take the other person’s food out to make way for the next person in line. It’s awkward, frustrating, and there needs to be rules. Other ways to incite kitchen rage include throwing food scraps in the recycling bin and leaving the toaster on the highest setting, ensuring the next person’s breakfast comes with an extra helping of carbon.

7. GOSSIP QUEENS

Thought you left these weasels behind in high school? Think again! Salacious gossip is currency in many a workplace, and the temptation to indulge is hard to resist. But beware that what goes around comes around, and learn to look out for the signs of feigned friendliness and interest. If the smile doesn’t reach the eyes, chances are that colleague who asked how your day’s going is fishing for gossip.

Beware the office gossip stuck living in a high school drama time loop.

8. FEATHER FINGERS

There’s one in every major corporation — or so it would seem, based on the number of missing lunch box reports filed around here. Did the cleaning staff really just carry through with their threat to dump anything left in the fridge last Sunday, or is Andy the Artful Dodger from accounts up to his old tricks? Some lunch stealers are brash enough to feign innocence, like the contractor who scoffed a colleague’s leftover Thai food. His explanation: “My wife packs my lunch … I didn’t think that was beef stroganoff!” Every workplace, at one point or another, bears the misfortune of a staff member who nicks anything that isn’t nailed down — and they seem to think no one knows. But thieves be warned: it’s only a matter of time before the jig is up.

9. PASSIVE AGGRESSIVES

These holier-than-thou fun police might think they are acting for the greater good, but their scribbled passive-aggressive musings are a ticking time bomb. Nothing breeds resentment like being told what to do, especially by someone for whom sarcasm is a mother tongue. Passive-aggressive notes that refer to “kitchen fairies” are among the most irritating examples. If you have an issue with your colleagues, take it up with them directly — just don’t do it in a reply-all email.

Originally published as The nine guaranteed ways to make your colleagues hate you forever