The cruise ship so luxe you won’t ever want to get off

If I hadn’t had a job to return to, I’d probably still be on that ship, seeing out my days having my hair set in the salon and dining nightly in my jewels and heels.

Onboard Oceania Cruises Vista. Source: Supplied

You know that old saying, Stop the world, I want to get off? With cruise ships, apparently the opposite is true: Don’t stop the boat, I don’t want to get off.

I’d heard about this phenomenon – going on a cruise ship and not getting off, no matter where it docked – but I wasn’t sure it was true. How could anyone be sailing into Santorini, for example, only to stay on the ship? Then I went on the ship.

Specifically, I’m aboard Oceania Cruises’ Vista, the newest in the line’s small-ship luxury fleet. Built in 2023, it has made only a handful of voyages, and the one we take – from Los Angeles to Ensenada, Mexico – is more of a chance for the folk at Oceania Cruises to show off the boat than a real voyage. So here we are trying out the boat.

We are among the first guests on board Vista, receiving as we arrive a gold-embossed welcome card from the captain. Being new to cruising I am not entirely sure why we have to get on board at midday to set sail at 7pm, thinking to myself, “But what do we do all day?” I soon find out.

Like a hotel pool, aboard Vista.

The idea is to find your room; a simple enough task, easily accomplished. We have a stateroom with a balcony, which I absolutely recommend. At 26sqm, it is large enough for a queen-size bed, sofa and desk. I had heard from seasoned cruisers that you can’t turn around in the shower on your average cruise ship. You could pirouette in this one.

But enough about size. How are the fittings? Being aboard Vista is like living in an episode of Days of Our Lives. It has marble floors, cascading chandeliers and a sweeping staircase, down which come women in dangly earrings and evening dresses. It’s like taking a holiday in a floating mansion, with 11 kitchens. There’s a grand piano, with a handsome gentleman on hand to tickle the ivories. We tour an “Owner’s Suite”, designed by the folk at Ralph Lauren. It has a dressing room with felt-lined watch drawers to hold all your Rolexes. There’s also a Monte Carlo-style casino.

 

Dining with a view.

And even more sea views.

We get into our swimmers and take up daybeds by the pool, where we find a few hundred staff standing ready to soothe us into the afternoon. Within moments we have pina coladas in hand, and before we know it the waiter is back again, saying, “Ladies, would you like another?”

Well, it would be rude not to, wouldn’t it? So begins a day lost in a haze of coconut oil and cocktail umbrellas. We launch from the Port of Los Angeles, which is a working port filled with cranes and shipping containers. Apparently there are more glamorous ports, but I love all this engine-of-capitalism stuff, so I’m fine. As evening falls, we’re treated to a sweet “sail away” celebration by a string quartet.

Shortly after we depart, it’s time for dinner. Dress up, I implore you. Vista’s Grand Dining Room is like an oyster shell, all shiny and pearlescent inside. The waiters are dressed in dove-grey uniforms with platinum buttons. We examine the menu and, look, I’m not proud of myself, but having marvelled at the choices I decide to have the lobster and the lobster bisque; the caviar and the duck l’orange; the cheese soufflé and the pistachio soufflé. Because, why wouldn’t you? It’s all included.

All aboard Vista, where the rooms are roomy.

We make our way after dinner to one of the bars, where people are dancing. We can’t dance because we are too stuffed, so we trot off to bed, and there is a sense, as we settle under the covers, of being rocked to sleep by the gentle movement of the ship (you can buy the beds and linens – and many people do).

It’s in the morning that I first hear some people aren’t planning to get off Vista, which confuses me. We are headed to Mexico. Why wouldn’t you get off? What I did not understand then, but fully understand now, is that seasoned cruisers regard the ship as the destination. This is the good place, as it were.

 

There’s a library if you care for reading.

Vista is as serene, and luxurious, as a five-star hotel. There are all kinds of activities – wine-matching and cocktail making and ice-cream sampling (they have one called Elvis The Fat Years), spa treatments and pilates classes. You can go to the gym; there’s a hairdressing salon and barbershop; you can read by the pool, or in the library. Still, we decide to get off.

Shortly before we are due to disembark, a fellow cruiser looks at me and says: “Are you planning to do a drug run?” Excuse me? “In Mexico? A drug run?”

She is American, and it turns out that when you get off in Ensenada you will be confronted by a wall of pharmacies selling prescription medication. Strictly speaking you need scripts, and there are limits on what you can buy, although I’m not sure how strictly those limits are applied. Ozempic, the weight loss drug, is flying off the shelves at half the price the Americans have been paying in California. I see a sign that says: “We have Viagra! Maybe you don’t need it but it’s fun!”

Why bother getting off?

Ensenada is a bit of a tourist trap – the town is right there, where the ships come in – but there are fun things to do. Hussong’s Cantina claims to be the bar that invented the margarita, although I guess you can take that with a grain of salt, as it were. But you should have a margarita. It costs the equivalent of four dollars, and is strong enough to leave you buzzy. We also eat a nice fish taco in a place where the walls are lined with American dollar bills.

Then it’s back to the silk-lined cocoon. “Welcome home.” That’s what the smiling staff say as we board, and it does feel like a homecoming. We while away the rest of the day by the pool. We drink mimosas. We doze off. We wake up sun-kissed and prepare ourselves for dinner. Vista is a “free seat” ship, meaning you tell them where you’d like to have dinner rather than being assigned to a table. They have trademarked “The Finest Cuisine At Sea” and the food is impressive. The ship’s most popular restaurants are Ember (upscale American) and Aquamar Kitchen (superfood smoothies and organic power bowls).

You don’t even have to socialise.

And the cocktails are unlimited.

Vista at capacity has 1200 guests and 800 crew – a guest-to-staff ratio that means you never have to wait for meals, drinks, towels, coffee or service. I had such a good time on board that even if we’d been told the next stop was Santorini, I don’t think I’d have gotten off. In fact, if I hadn’t had a job to return to, I’d probably still be on that ship, seeing out my days like one of those women from The Young and the Restless, having my hair set daily in the salon and dining nightly in my jewels and heels.

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Checklist

• Booking in: Oceania Cruises Vista’s 2024 schedule includes the 10-day “Mediterranean Navigator” cruise from Rome, Italy to Valletta, Malta.
• Dates and price: Departing April 11, prices start at $7090 per person. Other voyages this year include Barcelona to Athens (12 days from July 11, from $6599 per person) and Athens to Rome (10 days from October 20, from $5,779).
• Getting there: Passengers are required to fly to the departure port to meet the ship.