How often should couples be having sex?
The answer to sexual satisfaction in long-term relationships is complicated – and revealing. And yes, there is a magic number.
At the back of her mind, she had always had her great-aunt Joy’s advice: If you want to keep your marriage, keep him sexually satisfied. She, let us call her the heroine of our story, had an inkling she was not doing as great-aunt Joy instructed. And yet, in bed, they held each other tight and after 12 years together they seemed to be jimmying along just fine.
The mundane rhythms of their life – shared breakfasts and walks and night-time TV dates watching Ken Burns documentaries – were romantic, or so she’d thought. Now in her early forties, and he in his early fifties, at the end of each day they happily shared their work wins and woes. And fussed over their dog. Yet there was still this niggle: should they be having more sex? Should they at least be having some sex?
And then he left her not long ago for another woman after eight years of marriage with the parting shot, “I haven’t been sexually attracted to you in years.”
In her shock and confusion, her friends and therapist told her confidently it wasn’t that.
And yet her mind went immediately back to great-aunt Joy’s advice. And the notion that regular sex is necessary in sustaining a long-term, monogamous relationship.
Sex sells. Sex is sexy. For decades, women’s magazines always looked at what it took to keep at least one side of a relationship satisfied. Today, the internet overflows with podcasts and personalities talking about sex in relationships, be they monogamous or polyamorous. And mainstream magazines, newspapers, social platforms and medical journals are going where once it was nobody’s business: between our sheets.
When, in The Sunday Times Magazine, the comedian and feminist Katherine Ryan declared earlier this year that she had sex “exactly twice a month”, it unleashed a torrent of commentary. The upshot of it was: sex really is a significant thing for a couple’s happiness and longevity. And apparently there is a magic number!
Back in 2015, discussion was starting to bubble more broadly about the healthiest amount of sex to sustain a relationship. The peer-reviewed journal Social Psychological and Personality Science published a study that year titled Sexual Frequency Predicts Greater Well-Being, But More is Not Always Better, which found that frequency of sex was directly correlated to relationship satisfaction and overall happiness in a curvilinear way up to once per week – but not more than once per week. Put another way, if you’re having sex once a week you’re satisfied. Once a week ... 52 times a year! That sounds like a lot of sex to most post-forties people.
Emily Nagoski, author of the New York Times bestseller Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections, explains that frequency of sex and sexual satisfaction are hard to measure because self-reporting is complicated. “It’s largely attributable to the ways people believe that frequency means they’re doing something right,” she tells The Weekend Australian Magazine.
While heterosexual couples report greater frequency of sex, Nagoksi reveals that lesbian couples report a greater variety of behaviours, long-lasting sex, more orgasms and greater satisfaction. According to such self-reports, straight couples have more but lower quality sex. What, then, if we take the numbers game out of the bedroom and ask: what does this “sex” actually constitute?
In her 2015 book, a sort of prequel to Come Together, entitled Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life, Nagoski had written of how, despite the sexual revolution and all the ensuing research and political change, many of us still hold onto ideas about sex that are more at home in a century-old sex manual such as T. H. Van de Velde’s Ideal Marriage: Its physiology and Technique. He describes intercourse as: “An act between a man and a woman, employing no artificial means for stimulation, aiming at the consummation of sexual satisfaction and concluding with the ejaculation of semen into the vagina and nearly simultaneous orgasm.”
The sort of sex Van de Velde describes sounds like what many of us think we ought to have in a relationship. But in fact, says Dr Margaret Redelman OAM, a clinical psychosexual therapist based in Sydney, “sex isn’t just intercourse”. She describes sex as being everything you would do with your partner that you wouldn’t do with your maiden aunt – from a look to a caress, tootsies, kissing, outercourse and intercourse. “Sex is special intentional behaviour between two people.”
This broader definition of sex throws us all a curveball. Could delicious cuddles and loving looks at dinner be “sex” enough? For many couples, while the early spontaneous sex was hot, exciting, varied and frequent, ten years in, with children (or a dog) and the business of making ends meet, Van de Velde’s orgasm-focused sex tends to slip into the back seat.
Once the initial sexual bonding of the relationship has been taken care of, and in some cases the baby-making, other factors take precedence. Nagoski puts it this way: “When attachment is at its most secure and stable – when your relationship is all satisfaction and no worry or ‘plot’ – it can take a backseat in your sexual arousability”. Sleep is on average far more important, particularly to menopausal and perimenopausal women. And that’s perfectly normal!
So, at this stage of a committed relationship, when you’re more or less familial and have seen each other in every possible unmysterious circumstance from the cereal choices in the grocery aisle to your bathroom rituals, can life be mundane and sexy?
The experts I spoke to resoundingly responded: yes. All agreed the golden rule that will help keep sex alive in a monogamous, long-term relationship is that both partners need to prioritise sex. It’s something we’ve heard before. But why is this so important? What exactly does sex bring to an otherwise very full relationship table?
Nagoski puts it this way in Come as You Are: “Sex strengthens the bonds between partners, helps each partner feel safe, cherished and supported in a world where we are not always safe, where sometimes our only shield from chaos and terror is our chosen family.”
At its core, and in the right context, sex is intimate communication between loving, caring partners. As Serena, who has been in a long-term monogamous relationship for 15 years confided to me, “When my partner and I have sex we’re at our most vulnerable together. It’s not the sort of exciting sex we once had. But it always feels good. And we always think afterwards we should do it more often.”
“Sex is a discipline like any other,” says John, who’s been with his husband Peter for 25 years – and yes, they are still having regular and, in their estimation, great sex. “It doesn’t have to be spontaneous for it to be enjoyable. A burp is spontaneous!” John says. It’s about quality, not quantity. If the quality is good, if it’s fun, not only will you want to do it more often, you’ll remember it and that memory will roll over into the days and weeks that follow.
Redelman goes a step further, describing it as a gift for your partner. “We are not naturally monogamous,” she says, “and so sex tells your partner that you love them and that you choose them above all others”. More selfishly, it’s worth bearing in mind that sex, as a form of recreation, is a relaxant. People who have more sex look younger – if only temporarily. It’s those endorphins giving skin its glow.
So if sex is such an important way for couples to bond, why do so many of us choose Netflix and chocolate over a night of nooky? The answer is that one option involves feet up and energy input. The other requires attention to another person’s needs and energy output.
But there’s one surprising piece of advice here that can help when summoning the energy, particularly for women – and that is, don’t get hung up on climax.
Redelman says there is no advantage to orgasm to ensure sexual satisfaction. The thought of how long it will take to get there and the worry that it will bore and fatigue one’s partner becomes its own deterrent to having sex – again that conundrum, is it worth all that energy? She has seen happy couples who rarely orgasm and an equal number of unhappy couples who regularly do. “Being orgasmic adds to the picture but it is not enough on its own,” she says.
John concurs. “Orgasming isn’t the point,” he tells me. “It’s nice when it happens. But it isn’t the point.”
Elliot, who stayed in a platonic relationship with his ex for nine years for the sake of the children, is in a new relationship and exploring the pleasures of non-penetrative, non-orgasm-centric sex. “I don’t have to orgasm,” he tells me. “I get so much pleasure from bringing her pleasure.” He wants to prolong this experiment to develop a rich language of sensuality with his new partner that they’ll be able to draw upon in the future – “if this relationship is a lasting one, and I hope it is!” he adds.
Nagoski says that orgasm only matters as much as you decide it matters for you. So, when do you stop sex, if you’re not using orgasm as a benchmark? “When everyone’s body feels like, ‘Ahh, that’s been nice and that’s enough’. It really is that simple,” she says. (Note: orgasm and ejaculation are not the same thing – the former is a function of the brain and the latter a spinal reflex. People can ejaculate without orgasming and orgasm without ejaculating).
So, if orgasming is not the end game, what is? The experts agree: it’s well worth pausing to reflect on what we actually like doing and feeling when we’re having sex as opposed to what we think we ought to like doing and feeling – the touch, words, roles, positions, tempo, smells and sounds.What’s more, this can be a comfortable way into less comfortable communication about sex with your partner. And from communicating about sex with your partner, to planning sex and, yes, even having sex.
Nagoksi says she and her husband talk about sex more than what they’re going to have for dinner these days. And keeping the lightness and playfulness around sex can be helpful too. She points out that if there’s a biological link between sex and humour, it’s play – our impulse to connect through behaviours that are enjoyed by everyone involved, where there is nothing at stake.
Sometimes even in a loving relationship there is anxiety around rejection, loss of attraction and sex drive imbalances. The things we’re afraid of saying or hearing such as “Why don’t I want sex with this person anymore?” or “Why does this person no longer want sex with me?” And then the whole gamut of body issues – particularly ageing bodies and performance anxiety – are a big Pandora’s Box at the bottom of the bed. Putting our heads in the sand feels far safer than hurting our partners or being hurt by them.
Carol, a woman in her early fifties who has been with her partner for 15 years, says she’s happy to talk all about her sex life, desires and libido (or lack thereof) with her girlfriends. But the thought of talking to her partner about it makes her stomach churn.
Redelman has a three-point rule for communicating about such difficult topics. Firstly, sugar coat the pill, because you want your partner feel heard and loved or they will put up their defences. Secondly, tell them what is happening for you without making it about them. If you talk about yourself from the perspective of “I”, you are more likely to be heard. Thirdly, say what you want and take the responsibility to identify it and look at possible solutions. “Chances are there isn’t just one perfect solution,” Redelman says. “Start with the easiest or most productive solution.”
And don’t wait too long before you do. “Can we talk about our sex life?” our heroine asked her husband. But he had already left the building. “If you wait too long there’s too much scarring to undo,” says Elliot. He avoided the conversation with his ex for fear of what she’d say. When he finally talked to her about it she’d already moved on. When you can’t even recall the last time you wanted sex with someone, the work to re-ignite the desire seems all too hard and unrewarding.
As for that magic number? Come up with your own, together. Redelman says it is very unusual for a couple to be of one mind, especially when it comes to sex drive, and it’s all about negotiating. She advises people to consider for themselves how often they would honestly like to make love. Do they want sex or do they want to be cuddled and validated? They can then present that number to their partner and see what is doable or how it can be accommodated (and to what extent).
“I actively encourage Andrew to have at it when I’m not available,” says 45-year-old Rachel, who has been with her partner Andrew for ten years. She is the family’s principal bread winner and they have a seven-year-old daughter. She is fully aware Andrew has a higher sex drive than her these days and she says she would much rather he logged onto the social media porn site Only Fans than go out and have sex with other women. And because they are comfortable talking about it, they can laugh about it too. “Sometimes I come home and tease, ‘How many times today?’” she tells me.
Derek and Leonie have been together happily for 50 years and journeyed through all the recurring fads of the sexual revolution. Their piece of advice? Run your own race. “It’s our business and our business alone,” says Derek. In the 1960s everything was out there as a possibility but Derek maintains that it was all a kind of propaganda. Leonie agrees. “We didn’t need directions,” she says. “Our sex life had nothing to do with anyone but us.”
Derek and Leonie are artists who have lived and worked at home together all their married life. They say the most important parts of their relationship are mutual respect, understanding and intimacy. Sex is just one part of it. “You don’t have to absorb the person you are with. Become as one. Don’t become one,” says Derek.
In long-term relationships we age. There are seasons. And we don’t talk enough about it. People still expect to want and have sex as though they are 20 forever. Ultimately a marriage is a business deal, says Redelman. “Sex is only one aspect of the relationship, but you have to have a reasonable script. You have to get on the same page.”
John says that over their 25 years together he’s been married to Peter at least three different times. There have been at least three almost completely different marriages. They keep evaluating their needs. These days, with transitions in power and opportunity, they are finding time to investigate tantric sex together.
Nagoski points out that we are not promised abundant time with the people with whom we choose to spend our lives. We are only promised change, and it is how we navigate change together that characterises the quality of our relationship. Accepting, indeed embracing change, is something Derek advocates strongly. “You need to concentrate on what’s happening now – not then, or in the future,” he says. “Now is never the same.”
“And that’s the best thing about it. Or the most interesting,” adds Leonie.
So, it’s talking that really matters in creating lasting relationships.
And what became of our heroine? After her husband left, she went back to dating. And has put communication and openness at the centre of her experiences. So far so good. In fact, so far so much better.
Some names have been changed
