20 rules for raising kids in the age of the smartphone
Smartphones are poisoning our children’s minds, says Jonathan Haidt. But it’s not too late to arrest the damage and send the kids out to play.
Jonathan Haidt has a chilling thesis: childhood has been transformed by a small group of Big Tech companies. For the first time in human history, an entire cohort - Gen Z, born after 1995 - has become the collective subject for a global social experiment on a new way of growing up. It was triggered by the embrace of the smartphone, which Haidt says “changed life for everyone after its introduction in 2007”. What can parents do now? Below are tips drawn from Haidt’s book, The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness (Penguin, $36.99) where he outlines specific ways to “reduce overprotection in the real world and encourage more productive off-base adventures”.
From age two to five
1. Limit non-educational screen time to about 1 hour per weekday and 3 hours on weekend days
From age six to 13
2. Practise letting your kids out of sight without them having a way to reach you. “While you cook dinner for your friends, send your kids out with theirs to the grocery store to pick up more garlic (even if you don’t need it),” says Haidt. It is only by letting your kids out of your sight, untethered, that you will come to see that this is doable, and rather great. (It is probably what you were doing by the time you were eight.)
3. Encourage sleepovers and don’t micromanage them, although if the friend brings a phone, hold onto it until they leave, “otherwise they’ll have a phone-based sleepover”.
4. Encourage walking to school in a group. This can begin as early as first grade if the walk is easy and there is an older child to be responsible.
5. After school is for free play. Try not to fill up more than two afternoons a week with adult-supervised “enrichment” activities. Find ways that your children can just hang out with other children … or go to each other’s homes after school. (Even if they only do this on Friday.)
6. Go camping. At campgrounds, kids are away from their scheduled activities. Haidt also points out that if they’re in a small space with their parents they’re more likely to go outdoors or run around with other kids. “If you don’t like camping, consider taking your next trip with another family that shares your ideas about independence, so the kids can play together.”
7. Find a sleepaway camp with no devices and no safetyism. This is a big part of American life, but less so in Australia. However, organisations such as Scouts offer weekend camps . Haidt cites one camp with the motto “We see bruises, not scars”.
8. Form child-friendly neighbourhoods. Find one other family to join you, and you can take simple steps that will activate common desires among neighbours and reanimate a block or neighbourhood. Try a block party, then announce that you’d be happy to have kids come by any Friday afternoon, or whatever time works for you. “The key is regularity: kids will come if they know other kids will be there.”
9. Learn how to use parental controls and content filters on all the digital devices in your home. You want your children to become self-governing and self-controlled, with no parental controls or monitoring by the time they reach age 18, but that does not mean you should immediately give them full independence in the online world before their frontal cortex is up to the task. CommonSenseMedia.org has tips for using parental controls.
10. Shared meals should be phone-free so that family members attend to each other. (Watching a movie or video together is good.)
11. Be wary of allowing devices in bedrooms at these younger ages, but if you do, then all devices should be removed from bedrooms by a fixed time, which should be at least 30 minutes before the scheduled bedtime.
12. Consider taking a “digital Sabbath” every week: a full day where no screen devices are used. Consider taking a screen-free week every year, perhaps on a holiday in a beautiful natural setting.
From age 14 to 18
13. Increase their mobility. Let your teen master the transportation modes that make sense for where you live: bicycles, buses, subways, trains, and the like. “As they grow, so should the boundaries of their world”. Encourage them to get their driver’s licence as soon as they are eligible, and encourage them to use the car, if you have one.
14. Let your teen hang out at a “third place” (not home or school) like the shops, a café, a park – essentially, a place where they can be with their friends, where there is no adult supervision.
15. Rely more on your teen at home. Teens can cook, clean, and run errands on a bicycle or public transport. “Relying on your teen is not just a tool to instill work ethic; it’s a way to ward off the feeling among Gen Z teens that their lives are useless”.
16. Encourage your teen to find a part-time job, or volunteer work. Having a boss who is not you is a great experience, even if it’s not a pleasant one. Even one-off gigs are good. It’s empowering for a young person to earn their own money – and have control over how it is spent.
17. Find ways for them to nurture and lead. Any job that requires guiding or caring for younger children is ideal, such as a babysitter, camp counsellor, or assistant coach. Even as they need mentors themselves, they can serve as a mentor to younger kids.
18. Consider a high school exchange. It can be easier for a kid to listen to someone other than mum or dad. Alternatively, host a student from abroad.
19. Bigger thrills in nature. Let your teens go on bigger, longer adventures, with their friends or with a group: backpacking, rock climbing, canoeing, swimming, hiking – trips that get them out into nature and inspire real-world thrills, wonder, and competence.
20. Take a gap year after high school. Even better, they can get a job and save up money. Travel. Volunteer. Says Haidt: “A gap year is intended not to postpone a young person’s transition to adulthood but rather to accelerate it.” It’s a year to build skills, responsibility and independence. You can help your teen plan a gap year overseas which involves volunteer work overseas at volunteering.org.au or at gviaustralia.com.au
