Note to (younger) self …
What wise counsel would I offer a junior version of myself on my travels?
It’s quite the thing to talk about what you would tell the younger version of yourself, if only such alchemy were possible. With hard-earned wisdom, you could impart advice on what (or who) to embrace and to avoid. So I got to thinking about the Susan of decades past and how she could have benefited from such counsel on her travels. Quite a few scenarios came to mind.
Avoid tonal languages. A tiny slip of the tongue in, say, Mandarin, which is rife with homophones, can lead to a small international incident. Speaking of China, do not photograph industrial buildings that in any way resemble military installations. Do not make jokes about re-education camps while being detained by the tourist police.
Do not attempt to bribe an immigration officer in certain African nations to expedite visa clearance. All will be fine if you lower your voice and suggest an “express handling fee”. Of course you understand it must be cash only and the machine that issues receipts is out of order.
Do not point your feet at the paramount chief of a South Pacific nation while seated on the floor of his hut. Keep your opinions to yourself. Kava does not taste like miso soup strained through socks, even when it clearly does.
Never believe a hiking guide who tells you it will be an easy walk with a few gentle hills. Always prepare for trekking up Machu Picchu even if you are on the outskirts of Hobart. Lay out everything you intend to pack for a holiday and then halve it. Only joking. Buy a bigger suitcase.
Don’t make jokes about Rhonda and Ketut in Bali. Every fourth child in a Balinese family is automatically named Ketut. Everyone is so over that insurance commercial that families are maxing it at three children.
Do not try to tip in Japan. It is considered insulting. So if you are left with a proffered 1000-yen note, then turn it into an origami frog. Do not bow so deeply that your back croaks. Note that the Japanese word for chiropractor is … chiropractor-san.
In the alpine reaches of Europe, don’t wear an elasticised swimsuit, or any swimwear, in a sauna. You’ll be the only clothed person and therefore a total joker. Don’t attempt to take off said costume discreetly as it will be welded to your body by the heat and great lumps of untamed flesh will spill out and put everyone off their schnapps.
Don’t move to Paris and meet a handsome Frenchman who is two years and one month and eight days younger than you. Be sceptical about his lack of income even if you’ve been living with him and paying all the bills for three months and have planned a wedding. Particularly be wary if his name is Jean-Luc.
Ah, young Susan, if only we’d had this little chat earlier.