Let there be light switches

SURELY Departure Lounge is not the only hair-tearing traveller who is flummoxed by the trend towards hi-tech lighting in hotel rooms.

SURELY Departure Lounge is not the only hair-tearing traveller who is flummoxed by the trend towards hi-tech lighting in hotel rooms.

 It's not that the lights, as such, are all that space-agey but the operating systems seem to have been designed by gen Y tech-heads who are determined to bamboozle the complimentary cotton robes off more mature guests.

At the Armani Hotel Dubai, every function in guestrooms is operated by a remote controller, including the door. A picture of the person outside pops up on this wand, just like an apartment building's security camera. Then you decide if you want that caller to be clicked inside. Lounge tried zapping Mr Lounge with said controller but he refused to go away; later, he fell abruptly on the bed in the snooze-mode position when she thought she was closing the automatic curtains. It was all rather fun, actually.

Many resorts, such as the Banyan Tree Uluwatu, have taken designer mood lighting to batty extremes. There are so many switches in so many unlikely locations that at no time during her stay at this otherwise charming Bali resort could Lounge figure out which turned on what.

It's unfair to single out this property, because everyone seems to be at it. The switch to the bathroom lights, for example, is rarely in that room; it will be in the hallway, the bedroom, the hall cupboard or, in one startling encounter, on the skirting board by the door, cunningly hidden alongside the powerpoint.

Aside from 21st-century hidden lighting, sensors are the new big thing. In a hotel room in Paris recently occupied by the holidaying Lounges, the light switch for the separate toilet room was in the properly obvious place. Phew, sighed Lounge as she ventured in. But once installed, contemplating, as one does, the convoluted mysteries of purchasing a long-distance railway ticket in France on a Sunday, the light went out. Mon dieu, the door was shut and out of instant reach, so Lounge was enthroned in utter blackness.

When she tentatively stood up, the lights went on. She had fallen foul of a motion sensor, and let's not even contemplate the ironies of that particular label.

At another hotel in the French capital, Pullman Paris Bercy (more details in weeks to come), the Accor group is trialling a futuristic concept room (surprisingly snug and non-scary it is, too, despite its "deconstructed bathroom" and soundproof toilet) but first one has to get into this 10th-floor chamber. The Lounges were shown into room 1014 by a front-office assistant and its quirkier features pointed out. All fine until we tried to leave and realised we didn't have a key for our return. We did have a little suede disk but surely that couldn't be the key. It looked like a business card for, say, a Prada designer.

After consulting the front-desk staff, who were far too polite to giggle at us, it was established that this was indeed the entry pad, controlled by radio frequency identification technology, and we merely had to wave it at the sensor on our door and hey presto, we would be in.

Does anyone remember keys? Good old-fashioned keys and corresponding locks? In many European countries, including France, they used to come with big brass swinging knobs that looked as if they would double as weapons if one were attacked in the lift. A magnetised keycard would get you nowhere in such circumstances, and frequently not even into your room.

Airconditioning units are another bothersome apparatus travellers must deal with. Some have fixed controls so one either sweats or shivers; others are the kind that require a 200-page manual and a degree in computer science (or a BYO 12-year-old) to drive. And don't get Lounge started on television sets, DVD players and cable-channel boxes in hotel rooms. Rarely does the set-up follow known principles. Some hotels have so-called technology butlers whose task it is to visit befuddled guests and tune their televisions and talk them through the Nespresso machine.

Lounge had occasion to call one of these valets a while back and he did his best to confuse her with jargon about the ins and outs of AV jacks and other such twaddle. She would have liked an Armani controller so she could have zapped him to techno-kingdom come.

After much posturing, he began to flag. Lounge suggested the problem could be the batteries. He looked at her as her teenage sons used to do, which is to say a combination of mild derision and pity. Lounge pulled a couple of long-life AAs from her capacious handbag. But first she rubbed the existing batteries together and created a bit of energy to revive them for a bit, which is a trick all mothers know. The technology butler was quite put off his stride. When Paris-bound again, Lounge will be adding a small miner's lamp to her travel kit to attach to her forehead for use when adopting poses a la Rodin's Thinker in the loo.

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THINGS are far less complicated at Vibe hotels across Australia. Such is competition and variety in the hospitality business that hotels must add all sorts of extras to get clients through the door. In this vein, Vibe has a princessy Glamorous Nights package. While the Lounges are not prime candidates for glam liaisons, they have just had a wee sample of what's on offer at Vibe Sydney (at the southern end of the city near Chinatown and within easy strike of the CBD).

The offer also applies to the group's other six Australian properties and includes a pack of Napoleon Perdis beauty products, an in-store Perdis skincare consultation, two-for-one cocktail vouchers, buffet breakfast and late check-out. The Sydney tariff is $180 for two but the extras are worth $240 so that's what Lounge calls a bonus for such a centrally located hotel. What's more, the rooms are mod and the light switches just where they should be. What bright sparks the Vibe people are. Valid to September 30. More: 13 VIBE; www.vibehotels.com.au.

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IT is rare for a new hotel to be ready on time, let alone early. But the $350 million Outrigger Little Hastings Street Resort & Spa Noosa has opened three weeks ahead of schedule. Its name is a dastardly mouthful but its features sound worth checking out. Perched 500m above the southern end of Hastings Street, beside Noosa National Park (and linked by boardwalks), it has an 11-room spa that includes wine bath and grape extract treatments and a saltwater flotation pool. Outrigger claims it's Noosa's "first internationally managed resort to be built in 20 years".

More: WWW.outrigger.com.