Curse of the upwardly mobile

LOUNGE has heard that iPhones make perfect toast and press your pants, which would be a fine thing.

Illustration: Tom Jellett

YOUR Departure Lounge columnist has written before about the notion of "disappearance tourism", a term she first encountered in Paul Theroux's Dark Star Safari, in which he remained resolutely, and most happily, out of reach on a difficult journey through Africa.

Lounge is one of the world's leading Luddites when it comes to contemporary communications; her sons have suggested she donate her 2006 Sharp mobile phone to the Smithsonian Institution. Phrases such as global roaming send shockwaves down her spine; global roaming is something one should do with a nice degree of unaccountability; it should not be applied to a sly manner of tracking down people in foreign climes and bothering them at unsociable hours.

Lounge has only once had global roaming installed and when her phone rang at 3am in London, it was some bod at Vodafone asking her if she'd like to upgrade her payment plan. If Lounge had had one of those new-fangled iPhone things by her bed, it would probably have taken her picture at 3am as well and emailed it to the Smithsonian. Exhibit A: a relic of an earlier age, possibly prehistoric. Note the existence of lugs where earphones should be. Suitcase-sized item on bedside table could be a rare example of Laptoptus extinctus, circa 2007.

Lounge has heard, however, that iPhones make perfect toast and press your pants, which would be a fine thing. Lounge has never been one for paying at least 20 quid for a cup of tea and a slice of cool toast in bed at a London hotel and she hates those trouser presses Brits love to pop into guestroom corners, like shrines to travelling salesmen.

Perhaps those of you who think, as Lounge does, that mobile phones should be banned at holiday destinations will help stage a revolt. Surely Lounge is not the only traveller sick of listening to mobiles trilling or warbling or playing boofy AFL cheer songs while others try to commune with nature. At a walk around a Queensland eco-lodge a few years ago, the ranger pointed out the telephone tree. Lounge looked up in wonder at this hitherto unheard-of genus and saw several guests straddling the branches and shouting to the heavens. It was the highest point on the property and therefore gave the best mobile phone reception.

Lounge has had no mobile coverage on Lord Howe Island and the Hawkesbury River in recent months and has skipped about like a schoolgirl, giddy with the relief of being uncontactable and unable to retrieve messages. You should try asking about mobile phone reception when you book your next getaway; it is a rejuvenating thing to be out of touch. Gone fishin', if you like, without the rod and bait.

A RECENT survey among readers of social network site TripAdvisor.com named the Heritage Marina Hotel in San Francisco as the dirtiest hotel in the US. TripAdvisor.com tipsters are never afraid to hold back but Lounge has never read more damning comments: "Bugs everywhere and the smell of mould and urine. Took two days to get rid of the smell out of my clothes! Needs to be shut down immediately!"

And that's not to mention the roving heroin addicts, loitering prostitutes and dodgy bathroom facilities: "It first hit me that something was terribly wrong when I stood in the shower and felt water drip on my head. From the shower head? No, from a crack in the ceiling where water was pouring out from the shower above."

The same TripAdvisor page carrying the woeful reports claims the hotel's tariff is an average of $US105 ($118) year-round, so it's not a two-dime dive. It even lists a booking number. As if.

THERE are TripAdvisor.com surveys on dirty hotels in other destinations, too, including Britain, where Grosvenor Hotel in Blackpool tops the list.

Here's a sample comment: "Got to the hotel on Saturday, November 7, 2009, and was shown to the family room where the ceiling had fell [sic] down on to the bed. Was shown another room which was filthy." The hotel owner, naturally, is furious and TripAdvisor is now busily justifying its process of weeding out fraudulent and agenda-ridden reviews.

Oh dear, where is the divinely dismissive Alex Polizzi (star of The Hotel Inspector, shown here on The LifeStyle Channel) when we need her? Although it sounds as if she would need more than soft-furnishings swatches and paint charts to set these dirty contenders straight.

LOUNGE has slept in rooms infested with bedbugs, rats the size of pigs and (in rural China) even a real stray pig. In her backpacker days, young Lounge slept on railway platforms in India and had cold bucket washes; she's never had a ceiling fall down on her or had to line up with crack whores at the breakfast buffet, however. Lounge feels perhaps she is not such a global roamer after all.

IT'S that time when operators go into hyperdrive with new-year specials. Garuda has announced great deals in conjunction with its Bali on any Budget holiday program. Four-night packages with accommodation, breakfasts, airfares and taxes start from less than $900 from east coast ports and a low $497 ex Perth. More: 1300 657 747; balionanybudget.com.au.

Club Med is celebrating its 60th birthday year with a 60 per cent discount off partner bookings. The sale is on for reservations made before March 31, for travel to January 31 next year, and the deal applies to the second traveller for stays of a minimum of seven nights at Club Med resorts in Bali, Phuket, Bintan (Indonesia), Cherating (Malaysia) and Kani (Maldives). Or stay six nights at Lindeman Island in the Queensland Whitsundays or five nights at La Pointe and Albion (Mauritius). More: 1800 258 263; clubmed.com.au.

Rail Europe is celebrating its 15th year and has birthday specials including the TGV fast train in France, which is discounted by 60 per cent; the Thalys train from Paris to Amsterdam, Brussels and Cologne is 50 per cent off first and second-class tickets and there's a 25 per cent cut on the France Rail Pass plus a promotional fare from Eurostar and cheapies with Swedish Rail. The sale is on until March 31. More: raileurope.com.au.