Help! My colleagues keep calling us ‘family'
In a world where employers are demanding more from their employees than ever before — including the expectation we be switched on and contactable around the clock — the family line blurs boundaries.
In a world where employers are demanding more from their employees than ever before — including the expectation we be switched on and contactable around the clock — the family line blurs boundaries.
Starting a new job is all kinds of stressful. You want to prove yourself professionally; and if there’s a team you’re likely to want to fit in. Workplaces know this matters as they hunt for workers amid drastic labour shortages. No doubt you’ve seen the Job ads with buzzwords like ‘great workplace culture’.
Fine, but as soon as you get to the interview stage and they start talking about themselves as a ‘family’ it should probably raise a red flag.
It happens all the time. A young, talented ballet dancer featured in The Australian recently gushed about her co-workers being just that: a “family”. It sounds beautiful. Nurturing. Supportive. (If you have that kind of family - for some of us it’s possibly a different kind of trigger. But that’s a story for another time).
Here’s the thing. In a world where employers are demanding more from their employees than ever before — including the expectation we be switched on and contactable around the clock — the family line blurs boundaries. It could be a trap.
There are many reasons a workplace might perpetuate this type of environment. Not all of them are unhealthy.
Organisational psychologist Amanda Ferguson says that deciding if you opt in to the family narrative — and risking blurring personal boundaries that often come with such a culture — is a personal choice. If you’re reading this story, we’re going to wager you don’t want to conflate your work and personal lives - or perhaps you think you may already have.
The first thing to know is that you can resist the family narrative. Read on for her crash course in what to do when your colleague won’t stop referring to you as ‘work wife/husband’, and the relationship is not amicable.
Start right.
‘Prevention is better than cure’ is an annoying cliche, especially when that ship has already sailed (a cliche we much prefer) and you’re already stuck in a cycle you want to break. That said, the best time to set boundaries at work is before you start the job. Take the advice of Dr Ferguson - whose clients range from individuals seeking advice to Big Four firms looking to boost employee wellbeing, “start out as you wish to continue”.
“Stay friendly and approachable, while asserting your boundaries up front, as needed,” she says. Is it your first professional job? Unsure where to set your boundaries? Ferguson says talk to the friends and family you trust. They can help you “make decisions about what’s acceptable and what’s not” she says. Dr Ferguson also recommends brainstorming so-called ‘critical indigents’, or ‘case scenarios’. The places you will draw the line.
Things like a colleague stealing your idea at work? “Not acceptable,” verifies Ferguson.
“Keep going with those case scenarios until you feel confident, and then role play how to speak up and assert yourself,” she advises.
Be assertive = be empowered
Setting boundaries is one thing. Putting them into practice is another. When it comes to communicating your boundaries to your colleagues — especially those who insist on maintaining the family-style culture — Dr Ferguson advises you to practise asserting yourself politely but clearly.
“Organisational cultures that are healthy will respond well to assertiveness; direct, honest and clear, it’s the most empowered form of communication.
Separate work and personal family.
“A standard phrase I give clients to help with communicating their boundaries is, ‘it’s not work, it’s personal,” adds Dr Ferguson. “If your workplace insists on this ‘family’ language, re-framing it as a ‘work family’, rather than personal family, can also be helpful. Respectfully see the family is work and not personal, which should allow you to maintain a healthy level of emotional and personal detachment from your job.”
Tact and timing = appropriate response
“If someone tries to cajole or pressure you into an after hours meeting or social event by using phrases like, ‘come on, it’s for the family’, using phrases like, ‘If I could, I would, but I have a personal appointment I need to keep. I hope you’ll understand’, is entirely appropriate,” says Dr Ferguson.
Whether you do have a prior commitment (or you simply don’t want to attend), it’s also best to inform the relevant people as soon as you can, to save any pressure that comes with last minute disappointment. And if your organisation and colleagues don’t respond well to this? Well, that takes us to our next point.
Boundaries repeatedly disrespected? Look for a new job.
If you’ve tried to opt out of your workplace’s ‘family time’ yet you’re repeatedly disregarded (or worse, punished), then it’s probably time to look for a new job. As Dr Ferguson cautions, “things will only get worse”.
“There’s a difference between compromising, and compromising our integrity, and the latter will only lead to more problems and job satisfaction,” she says.
“Job security comes from being employable, versus just keeping one's job. Being able to get new jobs, and feeling confident to do so, is a critical skill set. If you stay in a job or team that is toxic, it will wear you down and make you less secure and therefore less employable.”
Triggered? It might be time to update your LinkedIn profile and put yourself out there.
Perspective: not all ‘family’ banter at work is evil
“As long as it’s an ethical, psychologically safe, mutually respectful and professional relationship between worker and organisation, then some workplaces may use the ‘family’ concept in a healthy way,” says Dr Ferguson.
It also comes down to what you as an individual want from a job. If you want a thriving social network complete with Friday night drinks that could bleed into weekend hangs, then a family-style work culture might work well for you. If this is you, though, be sure to remain self-aware.
That new hire? They might not feel the same. And the last thing you’d want is to pressure them into the culture.