Super Bowl LVIII: Taylor Swift’s boofhead bloke abused his own coach. Wish he could have been a better man

Travis Kelce was a star attraction in Super Bowl LVIII because he’s Taylor Swift’s fella. There’s no need to make a song and dance about that performance.

Only the most hackneyed American football correspondent would watch Super Bowl LVIII and fill his story with Taylor Swift references and song lyrics.

I reckon such an antiquated yarn would be unreadable, unpublishable, a nightmare dressed like a daydream. It’d probably go on forever then go down in flames. We’ve got a blank space on this page, baby, but we’re going to write your name.

Who cares if Travis Kelce’s girlfriend finished a concert in Tokyo, hopped on her private jet and made her way to Las Vegas to watch the poor man’s NRL? She chugged a drink while on the big screen as if someone had remembered Bob Hawke and told her, “One for the country, Taylor!” But I refuse to focus on her. A Super Bowl is bigger than a songstress and the game itself was very tense, exciting. I don’t know about you but I was feeling 22.

The Kansas City Chiefs beat the San Francisco 49ers 25-22 in overtime. A game of five quarters ended when the Chiefs’ quarterback Patrick Mahomes threw the money ball in the final seconds.

Mecole Hardman Jr of the Kansas City Chiefs celebrates with Patrick Mahomes #15 and teammates after catching the game-winning touchdown pass to defeat the San Francisco 49ers Picture: Getty Images

Kelce, meanwhile, seemed quite the boofhead. He nearly scored the matchwinner, as if Swift was writing the script herself, before it was Mecole Hardman who took a beautiful short pass from Mahomes that couldn’t have been delivered more deftly by Daly Cherry-Evans. If Swift wants to see a real game of footy, of course, she should get back to Vegas next month for Manly versus South Sydney.

Is it cool that we’ve said all that? Is it too soon to do this yet? I don’t want any bad blood in the online comments section for suggesting Kelce’s a pork chop and the NRL is superior to the NFL in every way, shape and form. Any criticisms will make a really deep cut, and there are gonna be problems, and I don’t think we can solve ’em, and yet the fear of negative responses can’t influence these words.

I must focus on the athletes, not Swift. The players are the ones who are gonna play, play, play, play, play, and the haters are gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, no matter what, and I’ve just gotta ignore all that stuff.

Shake it off.

Taylor Swift and Kansas City Chiefs' tight end Travis Kelce embrace after the Chiefs won Super Bowl LVIII Picture: AFP

Shake it off.

Damn it. I knew Swift was trouble. Of more significance in Las Vegas was the performance of the 49ers’ Australian punter Mitch Wishnowsky and Mahomes, who proved why he’s on the big bucks. His 10-year contract is worth half-a-billion dollars and he’s worth every cent. He orchestrated the final play with an air of Swift asking her audiences at the start of her concerts, “Are you ready for it?” Double dammit. Wishnowsky was outstanding but he didn’t get a Super Bowl ring. I’m not sure what the runners-up received? Paper rings? Triple dammit.

We are never, ever getting Swift and this Super Bowl match report back together. Like, ever. But just quickly we’ll mention she wore the number 87 on a pendant in honour of her man – she’s obviously not dating a cricketer – and for most of the night he played as if cursed by the devil’s number. For impact in a big game, I know this much about Travis Kelce. He was no Travis Head.

He seemed an overbearing, egotistical, ordinary sort of bloke. He grabbed his 65-year-old coach Andy Reid and angrily screamed at him from point-blank range when things were going pear-shaped for the Chiefs.

You deserve criticism when you act like that. I’d rather talk you up, dude, but that was an awful scene. Who cares if you won? You’d be unlikely to pass the Sydney Swans’ “no dickheads” policy. As a sportswriter, look what you made me do.

The Chiefs couldn’t jag the win. Couldn’t pull a swiftie. I’ll just make one more quick mention of her. Cameras kept showing her in the luxury suite the poor man’s Travis Head had purchased for $2.5 million.

The room reportedly provided “souvenir popcorn, bacon-wrapped hot dogs, BBQ burnt-end burritos, a glazed doughnut Super Bowl sundae, carne asada fries, seafood stuffed potatoes, surf and turf nachos, Wagyu beef hotdogs, frozen cheesecakes and a full-service bar”, which she seemed to enjoy.

Another one for the country, Taylor? She chewed her nails, jumped up and down with her gal pals and seemed extremely likeable. Unlike her oafish beau.

His first-half involvement, apart from manhandling his coach, was one lousy reception for one measly yard. Sources revealed Reid demanded answers in a locker room showdown.

Wanting to know why Kelce so rarely touched the ball. And why he went nowhere when he did.

“But one of these things is not like the other,” Kelce is understood to have said. “Like a rainbow with all of the colours. When it comes to a tight end, I promise you’ll never find another like ­­me-ee-ee! Oh-oh-oh!”

Devils roll the dice. Angels and Reid rolled their eyes. The coach reminded Kelce that love and footy are a game. Wanna actually play? Swift’s flame finished strongly – nine receptions for 93 yards and the catch that set up the matchwinner – before hooting and hollering during the presentation ceremony like the whole thing revolved around him. Zero humility. I just wished he could have been a better man.

Mahomes was named MVP and the songstress kissed number 87 and that was the end of the 58th Super Bowl. Was there anything likeable about Kelce’s behaviour? Sooner or later, we’ll get Taylor’s version.