Phil Tufnell recalls torrid times at the hands of Australian opponents

AN ENGLISH cricketer debuting against Australia doesn't normally have to wait too long before his first sledge, but in Phil Tufnell's case the insult wasn't from a batsman, but the umpire.

Phil Tufnell

AN ENGLISH cricketer making his debut against Australia doesn't normally have to wait too long before copping his first sledge, and with Phil Tufnell it was round about the middle of his sixth over. What makes Tufnell's case unusual is that the bloke delivering the insult wasn't the batsman, or even the non-striker. It was the umpire.

It happened at the MCG in 1990 and Tufnell, as was his custom towards the end of an over, turned to the umpire and inquired, “How many left, ump?” The man in charge, before the days of neutral officials, was the Australian Peter O'Connell, and his reply - “count 'em yerself, yer Pommy bastard” - was not quite what Tufnell was expecting.

“I was flabbergasted, to put it mildly,” said Tufnell. “Goochy (Graham Gooch, the captain) came over from mid-off and said, 'You can't speak to my bowler like that' and I thought to myself, 'All the press boys will think I've said something to the ump and Goochy's had to step in to calm me down'.

“Anyway, not long after that, David Boon gets a thick edge straight into Jack Russell's gloves and I turn round and shout: 'Owzat?!' McConnell looks me straight in the eye, gives me a smile and says: 'Not out'. I thought, 'You plonker' - although I suppose he could have said, 'Not out, yer Pommy bastard'.”

Tufnell ended up playing 12 Tests against Australia, and all eight defeats were good hidings. Apart from umpires having a go at him, there was also the crowd. His fielding rarely failed to raise a guffaw, and one of the kinder shouts from the audience was: “Hey Tufnell, lend us your brain, we're building an idiot!”

All the more reason then for Tufnell, in his current role as a Test Match Special analyst, to revel in Australia going through the same kind of humiliation now as England did for most of his own Test career.

“Let's be fair, they weren't exactly shy of rubbing our noses in it when they were thumping us, so it's hard to feel too sorry for them. But I don't really enjoy watching them get smashed to pieces. And when that young kid (Ashton Agar) was on 98, it was the first time I'd ever wanted an Australian batsman to score two runs. It soon passed, though.

“We took some beatings in my time but even on our worst day we offered a bit more of a contest than these boys. With this Australian side, you can't ever see them getting enough runs. When you watch them trying to play Swann out of the rough, you can see them thinking, 'Where am I ever going to get a run here? If I drive, I'll nick it. If I sweep, DRS will get me'.

“It's a negative mindset and they've got to change that, the same way we finally got round to doing against Warne. The batters all knew he was going to get them out eventually, so the trick was to score a few runs before he did it.

“We did, though, at least play ourselves in first. Being positive doesn't mean slogging before you've had a good look, and right now England have got them confused as to how to go about things. That's what a good side does. It teases the opposition into making wrong decisions.”

Tufnell, though, wonders whether Australia have the personnel capable of turning things around. “When we were struggling, I remember looking around the dressing room and seeing Graeme Hick. I'd think, 'I've bowled to him. He's bloody good'. Then I'd see Lamby (Allan Lamb) or the Judge (Robin Smith) and think, 'I've bowled to them, too. And they're bloody good'n all'. But when I picture Michael Clarke looking round his dressing room, I'm not sure he feels he has anyone who can hurt our bowlers.”

Tufnell has now been retired from Test cricket for 12 years and after starting out against Australia being sledged by an umpire, he finished up against Australia being sledged (in a manner of speaking) by his own coach.

“I wasn't first-choice spinner by then and before the 2001 Ashes Test at The Oval, Duncan Fletcher told the press, 'We're only picking Tufnell because there's no-one else fit'. Or something like that.

“I remember standing at square leg, supposedly saving one but spending the entire time ducking as Justin Langer kept pinging exocets past me. I thought, 'Tuffers. Time to go, son':” Since when, his spinning finger has been in so many pies he's hardly ever off the telly or the radio. I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here (“only time I ever came back from Australia winning anything”), A Question of Sport, Strictly Come Dancing, Test Match Special, The One Show, you name it.

He's just brought out an autobiography, and during the final Ashes Test he will host a VIP evening near The Oval with his old England teammate Mark Butcher, at which he'll be doing an unscripted Q&A. He's a natural at most things he does.

“I do things without thinking about them,” he says. “Story of my life.”

The Sunday Times