The only people who will have enjoyed the whole Nick Kyrgios car crash

The Nine Network jumps the gun on Nick Kyrgios winning Wimbledon

I know it is supposed to be the future of tennis, but few people can have genuinely enjoyed absolutely everything about the unstoppable car crash that was Nick Kyrgios’s progress through Wimbledon in the past couple of weeks.

Tantrums and tweeners and wearing red hats … entertaining, I guess. But spitting at spectators and belittling line judges are less universally appealing.

About the only people who would have been loving it all would be the film crew from Netflix shooting a behind-the-scenes documentary on tennis, who have been following the Aussie superbrat around. They’ve hit paydirt.

In fact, double pay dirt, because the two players they chose to highlight in their doco — designed to be the tennis version of the popular Formula One series Drive to Survive — are Kyrgios and world No.4 Stefanos Tsitsipas. So when the pair butted heads in a third-round match, snarling and swearing and belting balls at each other and into the crowd, the Netflix director must have been punching the air.

Then if that wasn’t enough drama, news broke that Kyrgios would face the ACT Magistrates Court in relation to assault allegation concerning an ex-girlfriend.

The Netflix crew were there to capture his reaction when reporters confronted him over the domestic violence allegations. “I feel like I’m in The Last Dance,” said Kyrgios, assumedly seeing himself in a Michael Jordan-like role.

By the time Kyrgios has got as far as he’s going to at Wimbledon, Netflix will have enough for three or four episodes. And that’s before the episode they film at 4 Knowles Place, Canberra (that’s where you find the Magistrates Court).

Nine jumps the gun

Incidentally, Kyrgios got his best press of the week in the wee small hours of Thursday morning when someone at the Nine Network, with a thirst to be first driven by social media, jumped the gun spectacularly.

Nine tweeted: “#Breaking: Australia’s own Nick Kyrgios has officially claimed his first grand slam title, narrowly defeating Chile’s Cristian Garin in a neck-and-neck battle at Wimbledon”.

It was up there long enough for several million of Nine’s followers to notice before someone pointed out that Kyrgios had a semi-final and a final to go before the title was his.

IS THAT REALLY YOU?

British tennis player Cameron Norrie, whose light has come out from under a bushel at this tournament, is a man of the world.

He was born in Johannesburg to British parents, spent his childhood in Auckland and still has a bit of a Kiwi accent, went to college in Texas and now jets around on the ATP Tour.

Norrie has based himself in London, where at least one bloke sort of recognised him before his breakthrough major.

“I was sitting in a restaurant recently, at the bar, and the bartender goes to me, ‘Do you watch much tennis?’ ’’ Norrie said.

“I was dressed in my casual clothes and I said, ‘I watch a little bit’. He said, ‘You look exactly like that player Cameron Norrie’.

“I was, like, ‘Oh really, OK’. I played along. Didn’t say anything and on the way out I said, ‘I am Cameron Norrie’. He couldn’t believe it.”

SNEAKY SATISFACTION

The other thing you might not believe is that amorous couples are said to be misusing a new dedicated quiet room that Wimbledon has provided to help fans escape when the excitement of the tennis is all a bit too much.

Wimbledon’s access guide says of the room: “Located in the Southern Village, the Quiet Room is a space where guests can retreat for a moment of private meditation, prayer or reflection or simply to escape the crowds around the grounds.”

But sheepish-looking couples have been emerging from the facility next to court 12, sporting satisfied smiles.

Another guest visited the facility, which is made up of two adjoining rooms, and reported hearing “sounds of intimacy” coming from next door.

For god’s sake, don’t let Kyrgios anywhere near the place.

BROTHERLY LOVE TESTED

Darwin-born brothers Jeremy and Leon Hayward spent plenty of time trying to get hockey balls past each other in the backyard as kids. Now it’s about to get real.

When the Kookaburras take on New Zealand in a Commonwealth Games pool game on August 1, Jeremy is likely to be playing for Australia while Leon is a strong chance to be in goal for the Kiwis.

The brothers both debuted for the Kookaburras in 2014 and Leon made 13 appearances before switching to New Zealand, birthplace of his mum. Now Jeremy is in the Kookaburras squad for Birmingham and Leon is in the Black Sticks. Might make for some uncomfortable conversations around the family dinner table at Christmas time. Perhaps it will fall to Jeremy’s girlfriend, Hockeyroo Brooke Peris, to keep the peace.

BALE’S REAL QUICK EARN

File this one under nice work if you can get it … Real Madrid and Wales star Gareth Bale only has to run out on to the pitch, adjust his shorts and gaze about to take in the atmosphere and he has earned about $165,000.

Bale, according to our friends at sports website Sportingpedia, earned $165.947 for every minute he was on the field in the 2021-22 season.

Sportingpedia’s data nerds got out their calculators and did some sums on the highest-paid players in world soccer, dividing their salaries by their actual playing time.

Bale came out on top. He was paid $48,124,682 this season, but only played a total of 290 minutes for Real. Do the maths.

His teammate Eden Hazard was second, playing a total of 903 minutes at $38,456 each. Multiple golden boot winner Lionel Messi, now at PSG in Paris, pocketed $30,465 for each of the 2872 minutes he played. And Cristiano Ronaldo, who spent 3221 minutes battling around the paddock for Manchester United, was paid $10,893 for each one of them.

The only player in the top 10 not plying his trade in Europe is Brazilian midfielder Oscar, who earned $26,509 for every minute he spent on the field for Chinese club Shanghai SIPG.

[e-mail] @walmason