‘Bro, I don’t want to be here’: Nick Kyrgios reveals he was suicidal during Wimbledon in 2019
Nick Kyrgios reveals he was suicidal and in a London psychiatric ward after losing to Rafael Nadal at Wimbledon in 2019, using a white arm sleeve to hide evidence of self-harming.
A suicidal Nick Kyrgios was admitted to a London psychiatric ward during Wimbledon in 2019.
“I was genuinely contemplating if I wanted to commit suicide,” Kyrgios says in the next batch of episodes in the Netflix documentary Break Point, out on June 21.
“I lost at Wimbledon. I woke up and my dad was sitting on the bed, full-blown crying. That was the big wake-up call for me. I was like, OK, I can’t keep doing this. I ended up in a psych ward in London to figure out my problems.”
Kyrgios’s manager, Daniel Horsfall, says the star was “f..ked” and wept while telling him, “Bro, I don’t know what to do – I don’t want to be here.”
Kyrgios’s father, George, says: “I told him, ‘This is not the right path, mate. You’ve got bigger and better things to chase, you know. He was in tears … I’m here for Nick. Nothing else matters. When he’s away, he’s my first priority. He’s very sensitive, very fragile.”
Episode six of Break Point, titled Belonging, features Kyrgios’s run to last year’s Wimbledon final. “My dad, I think he just wants me to be happy,” Kyrgios says. “Because there were times at Wimbledon where I wasn’t in the best head space. I was pretty bad here three years ago, 2019 was the lowest point of my career. That pressure, having that all-eyes-on-you expectation, I couldn’t deal with it. I hated the kind of person I was.”
Kyrgios lost to Rafael Nadal in the second round of Wimbledon in 2019, playing in a long white arm sleeve to hide evidence of self-harming. “I was drinking, abusing drugs, lost my relationship with my family, pushed all my close friends away,” he says.
“You could tell I was hurting. My whole arm was covered in scars. That’s why I actually got my arm sleeve. To cover it all.”
Kyrgios’s sister, Halimah, is crying when she says in an interview: “I get so upset when someone says bad things about him. Because they don’t know.”
Horsfall says of Kyrgios’s time at the psychiatric ward: “He’s not told a soul what they said in there. The conversation they had in that room, no one knows.”
Kyrgios was beaten in last year’s Wimbledon final by Novak Djokovic. “I know what I bring to the table,” he says in Break Point. “I know that I sell a lot of tickets. I sell out stadiums all around the world. But I know I’m not really accepted. Especially in the tennis world, being a white, privileged sport. When I was young, I was told you could only make it if you ticked these certain boxes. Being bullied at a young age because of being short and fat and brown, it scarred me, for sure. People confuse my confidence for arrogance at times because they have no idea what I’ve gone through.”
Episodes six and seven of Break Point, Belonging and Saints and Sinners, are riveting. Kyrgios’ run to the Wimbledon final was highlighted, and lowlighted, by his victory over Stefanos Tsitsipas in round three. His behaviour was wild, even by his standards, demanding Tsitsipas be defaulted for hitting a ball into the crowd, arguing with his own box and Tsitsipas’s entourage, calling the umpire a disgrace. He was trying to distract Tsitsipas and it worked. Pat Cash was among those who said it was Kyrgios who should have been defaulted. He got under Tsitsipas’s skin before his rival called him a bully. Kyrgios replied that Tsitsipas was soft.
Kyrgios is scheduled to return to Wimbledon on July 3. He’s missed seven months because of a knee injury. He lost in the first round in Stuttgart on Wednesday in an inglorious comeback. In Break Point, he says winning Wimbledon will be his way of flipping the bird to the establishment. Walking into the All England Club, he laughs: “I’m just gonna diss all the legends of the sport.”
He adds: “I’m not gonna conform to a bunch of old rules. I don’t care who you are or what you are. Because I know I’m not really accepted. I’m just hungry now. I’m channelling it. If I win Wimbledon, it’s like a middle finger to everyone.
“I’m here to show that I’m one of the best players in the world. They say, ‘He can beat anybody, but he can’t really be consistent enough to push for a grand slam.’ I just want to shut everyone up.”
Tsitsipas shares his dim view of Kyrgios. “He has brought that NBA basketball kind of attitude to tennis,” he says.
“I would describe it as an uneducated approach of playing tennis. Tennis is a gentleman’s sport. It’s all about respect. We’re not playing basketball. I just felt like he was trying to destroy my rhythm (at Wimbledon).
“He feeds by distracting his opponents. He kept putting his towels in my box … there was zero respect. He kept pressing my buttons. Non-stop. And of course I got annoyed. He just loves attention and if he gets none of that, that’s complete destruction.”
Kyrgios led Djokovic by a set in the final. He attempted to instigate another circus during Djokovic’s revival, but he Serb ignored all. “Every moment that I’ve ever had on a tennis court led to this,” Kyrgios says before the championship match. “I’m about to play my first Wimbledon final against probably the greatest player of all time. He’s played in, God, I have no idea how many slam finals. Probably like 30, 40. I’m a kid from Canberra. I’m not supposed to be here, but I’m here. You win this tournament and you become a tennis immortal.”
Which contradicts his lack of respect for Wimbledon’s prestige and traditions. After the final, he says: “I played lights out. I played the best first set I could possibly have played. His composure in certain moments, where another player would have started to panic, he didn’t show me. I’m getting nervous, I’ll need to stay focused. He’s calmer. You can’t rush him. He’s more patient. You can’t teach that. It comes from experience. Obviously very disappointed. I felt like the trophy was definitely attainable today … got that under my belt now. A Wimbledon finalist. I definitely feel more loved and more, like, appreciated. I felt like I belonged there.”
Readers seeking support and information about suicide prevention can contact Lifeline on 13 11 14
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