Sack Labuschagne. If Konstas fails, there’s insurance in a decent middle order

Sam Konstas and Marnus Labuschagne walk out to bat on Day 2 of the 5th test. Photo: Tom Parrish

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And here it comes. The most poetic of sporting contests. A Test. Four questions comprise the prelude to next week’s World Test Championship at sentimental old Lord’s.

Question 1: How on earth did South Africa qualify?

Question 2: Who gets the home dressing room?

Question 3: Should Australia sledge Kagiso Rabada?

Question 4: And whom should Australia choose between the classical musician of a batsman, Marnus Labuschagne, and the hip-hop, over-the-top Sam Konstas, the so-far unreliable but seemingly undeniable, under-aged member of an Australian squad settling into its London digs as we speak?

Marnus Labuschagne during day two of the Second Test match in the series between Sri Lanka and Australia in February. Photo: Robert Cianflone/Getty Images

Q1: Perhaps England and India were unavailable. On this week’s ICC rankings, Australia and England are first and second, but the latter missed the deadline for an invitation to its own party. Pat Cummins’ and Temba Bavuma’s visiting XIs will occupy Lords like they’re scored an especially spacious Airbnb for the week, looking after the place while making themselves at home, leaving the keys on the kitchen bench when they leave.

The Proteas have reached the pinnacle of Test cricket, if you disregard for one second the real pinnacle, The Ashes, while being a fake friend to the traditional format, thumbing their nose at all things red-balled and white-trousered by sending a B-grade team on a tour of New Zealand. Ultimately, of course, England and India simply weren’t good or consistent enough. What a load of baloney Bazball turned out to be. I’m not entirely sure Brendon McCullum was behind it. Sounds more like Barry Humphries.

Steve Smith and Marnus Labuschagne with the Warne-Muralitharan Trophy after Australia beat Sri Lanka to win the series, 2-0, in Galle four months ago. Photo: Robert Cianflone/Getty Images

Q2: Australia, as top qualifier.

Q3: No. Never going to happen. Never has happened. Never will happen. Ever. The art of sledging includes knowing whom not to sledge. The feisty, wild-eyed dangermen who thrive on chatter about a Mars Bar being placed on a good length, and the bowling of pianos lest someone plays it, and similar, are best left alone. That’s Rabada, positive test to cocaine or otherwise. If he gets the treatment, it’ll be of the silent variety.

Q4: Labuschagne at his best can give Australia a solid platform atop the order in the manner of a bantamweight boxer going jab, jab, jab for so long it becomes a bit boring until he feels comfortable enough to throw haymakers and you decide perhaps his performance was worth the price of admission after all. At no stage has Labuschagne made you think he’s the best batsman in the world, and yet he’s spent a good whack of time ranked No. 1 in a career that has exceeded all expectations. Now, aged 30, he’s too young for failing eyesight and feet nailed to the crease, and yet last summer he invariably played like he was in a straight jacket and blind as a bat.

You don’t want two jabbers as Test openers. That’s jibber. The laconic Usman Khawaja will be going jab, jab, jab at one end and if Labuschagne joins him, Australia could be 0-2 at lunch. Khawaja and Dave Warner worked a treat because Warner was going bonkers, and Australia needs to replace like for like, aggressor for aggressor, mad dasher for mad dasher.

From what we’ve seen thus far, there might never have been a Test opener more bonkers than Sam James Konstas.

The 19-year-old’s body of work amounts to two Test match appearances that were part-greatest showman, part-circus clown, part-cricketing genius, part immature nutter, part-master craftsman, part-immature slogger, part-Benny Hill skit and partly the most entertaining batting we’ve seen in yonks. If Konstas comes off and hits one-handed, two-handed, no-handed, over-his-head, off-his-head, reverse laps for six at Lord’s, Australia will be on its merry way to defending the world championship. If he fails, so what? It’s a decent middle order.

Selections are like blackjack. You can only win big if you bet big. Sack Labuschagne. Everyone’s thinking it. Can we just say it? Why is everyone dithering about the general consensus among Australian fans? There’s so little to be gained from hoping he ekes out patient runs. Yes, he’s been a loyal servant, alongside Khawaja, Steve Smith, Travis Head and Alex Carey, returning to a Lord’s Test for the first time since SeeYouLaterJonnyBairstowGate, as the handful of Australian players to have appeared in all 19 qualifying Tests. As such, brownie points have been earned, like a footballer who’s helped a team to reach the grand final only to find his head in the noose, but in truth his contribution has been modest.

Australia's Sam Konstas, left, has words with India's Virat Kohli, right, with Usman Khawaja the peacemaker, on the opening day of the fourth Test between Australia and India at the MCG on Boxing Day. Photo: Martin Keep / AFP

In Australia’s 19 Tests of the two-year cycle, which started with Pat Cummins squeezing a cheeky two runs to third man to give Australia a lion-hearted two-wicket win over BarryHumphriesBall in the first Ashes Test of 2023, and ended with Australia annihilating Sri Lanka by nine wickets at Galle in February, Labuschagne has made 935 runs at an average of 28.33. You cannot stay the Test No. 3 when you’re averaging in the 20s for two years while making a solitary hundred. And so, sack Labuschagne, rolling the dice on Konstas, knowing batting insurance is in place in the reliable forms of Khawaja, Smith, Travis Head, Cameron Green and Carey.

Before day two of the SCG Test against India in January, Labuschagne was photographed on his haunches, as though praying for a miracle, while Konstas stood tall and confidently to his right. They’re in similar positions while awaiting their Test selection fates.

Meantime, paceman Josh Hazlewood arrives in London with a spring in his long, loping step, and a glint in his normally sensible eye, after helping Royal Challengers Bangalore win the Indian Premier League final over Punjab Kings on Wednesday. Virat Kohli’s Challengers have gone jab, jab, jab in the IPL since the hit-and-giggle tournament was launched with a long handle in 2008, and he cried right there in the middle of Ahmedabad’s Narendra Modi Stadium.

Australia’s Marnus Labuschagne gives the long stare during the fifth Test against India at the SCG on January 4. Photo: Cricket Australia via Getty Images

“It probably means everything to (Kohli),” Hazlewood said. “Some of us come and go in the franchises but to be there from the start, and to slug it out for 18 seasons and to get a result tonight, I think we’ll see a bit of emotion there.”

RCB posted 9-190. Hazlewood, as ever, did not bat. He’s required so infrequently there’s barely a need to pack willow in his kit. When required, surely he could just borrow a bat? In reply for the Ricky Ponting-coached Kings, Josh Inglis made a typically perky 39 from 23 balls. Marcus Stoinis faced two deliveries. He hit the first for six. The second had his name on it. Hazlewood was carted all over the park, finishing with 1-54 from four overs, but that was OK. It’s only T20. Pulp fiction compared with the beautiful prose to be written at Lord’s.