‘Easybeat’ Aussies can do their bit to stop New Zealand players getting hurt

Our purpose in life is to make NZ feel good about rugby. So why not use our teams in a revamped Super Rugby to give them a rest?

Hurricanes centre Ngani Laumape crashes into the brutal Crusaders defence

Rugby Australia has been going about this the wrong way entirely.

Instead of trying to persuade you, New Zealand, to agree to five Australian teams in next year’s Super Rugby-style competition by puffing out our chests and convincing you how strong we are, our best pitch is that we are, in fact, complete easybeats.

New Zealand doesn’t need any more tough competition. What you need is to step back and draw breath and have a few comfortable wins of the type that Australia can easily provide.

How All Blacks centre Ngani Laumape must now wish he had spent last Saturday night playing against, say, the Waratahs or Reds, taking on players he could have wiped out in his sleep.

Instead, he found himself playing for the Hurricanes against the Crusaders in Christchurch and playing a significant role in helping undo the Crusaders’ four-year unbeaten run at home. But then he went in hard against fellow Test player Joe Moody, who does pass for a very sizeable piece of granite, only to reel away with a fractured right forearm. Nothing unusual about that. Prop Fraser Armstrong of the Canes suffered one as well. Same match. And now the two of them have joined teammate Gareth Evans on the Canes’ list of season-ending casualties.

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At least centre Peter Umaga-Jensen was cleared of concussion this week. Still, never has coach Jason Holland been so relieved to have a bye this weekend to give his players time to regroup.

Fraser Armstrong of the Hurricanes is tackled by Gerard Cowley-Tuioti of the Blues during their Super Rugby Aotearoa match. Picture: Getty Images

“Put it this way,” the coach told the NZ media, “I’m glad we haven’t got another game this weekend otherwise we might see (assistant coach) Cory Jane or Jason Holland in the backline.”

The weekend’s other winning side, the Blues — who beat the Chiefs in a barn burner at Eden Park in front of 31,000 fans plus what seemed like thousands of “walk-ups” — looked like they had been through a war by match’s end. The Blues and the Chiefs are now six matches into an eight-game, 10-week competition, with no playoffs, and frankly the only reason the two groups of players were hugging each other so tightly at full-time was so that they didn’t all fall down.

NZ Rugby boss Mark Robinson, you must be loving the money the tournament is bringing in but dreading the cost. And you, Ian Foster, you must be wondering when the time finally comes to pick an All Blacks team against the Wallabies whether you really will be faced with a “last man standing” situation.

Daniel Halangahu, the former Waratahs playmaker who is now serving as Blues assistant coach, has his own concerns on how you Kiwis are handling this compact but utterly relentless Super Rugby Aotearoa. “We’ve all loved Super Rugby … and then to see the crowds and the people turning up and loving what we have here in New Zealand at the moment, that’s the key,” Halangahu said.

Would the NZ franchises get an easier run against Australian sides? Picture: Getty Images

“We want the public to love the game and support what we are doing. At the same time, we can’t just keep banging heads with each other every weekend. This competition is just brutal. So we need to include some other teams.”

Which brings us to Australia. Our purpose in life is to make the Kiwis feel good about their rugby. This, we do with characteristic zeal. It has been 18 years and 50 matches since Australia last won the Bledisloe Cup and with the exception of last year, when it was 1-1, we’ve never really looked like winning it back. And just to make sure that continues, we’ve arranged four Tests against the Kiwis this year. Seriously, to regain the Bledisloe, we would have to win the series 3-1. Yeah, right.

And we are really sorry about that 47-26 result the Wallabies had in Perth last August. Honestly, we had no idea how it happened, which should be pretty obvious because over our next seven Tests in 2019, we didn’t ever come close to repeating that performance.

So, Kiwis, please give us our five sides in a trans-Tasman competition. We won’t be a nuisance and the winters are wonderful in places like Brisbane and Perth. So while the rugby might be pretty ordinary, at least your players will enjoy the trip. And then, all freshened up, you can go back home and belt the shit out of each other again.

What’s that, you say? You’re not quite sure how to take this? Is this a serious column or a piss-take? Hmmm, how to answer that? Yes.