Justin Langer’s placid pets embark on their inoffensive offensive

Tim Paine is right. How will Australia behave in the first Test? It’s the dominant topic of discussion and a complete yawn.

Aaron Finch has been brought to replace David Warner — it’s hardly like for like.

Tim Paine is right. This has become tedious. Boring. How will Australia behave in the first Test? Be too scared to say boo? Sledge like madmen?

It’s the dominant topic of discussion and a complete yawn. Because we already know the answers to the questions. Without further ado, only two more sleeps to go, here comes the most understated Australian XI in memory.

Put it this way. There’s unlikely to be cause for Justin Langer to repeat Alastair Clarkson’s ultimatum to Josh Gibson at Hawthorn: “Fit in or f… off.” Langer won’t have to implore his players to toe the line. He’s picked the players who already do it. The cleanskins. The battlers. The little Langers.

No one knows if Australia’s batsmen will make 80 or 800 in Adelaide, but there’s absolute certainty about the on-field behaviour. All you need to do is look at the teamsheet. These blokes will act how they’ve always acted. They’re no strangers to us. No one’s wondering if the notoriously volatile Josh Hazlewood will once again completely lose the plot. Nor is anyone agonising over how Paine can possibly hope to control the ugly emotional outbursts of Usman Khawaja and Shaun Marsh. Travis Head is unlikely to go off like Krakatoa.

Players follow the lead of their captain. Australian skippers are traditionally hard-arses, the hardest arse in the team. Their players follow their leads. And Paine is nice, which increases the likelihood of Australia playing so.

A possible exception is Mitchell Starc if he packs his angry pills as opposed to his laid-back-to-the-point-of-falling-over pills. Here’s hoping.

Otherwise, there’s not a single hothead among them.

When their Test days are over, which may be sooner rather than later for a few, they’re clean-skinned enough to stay together as the cast for The Book Of Mormon. Paine can slot into the role of Elder Price without any real change to his natural persona. Langer, of course, is made to measure as Heavenly Father.

These blokes will behave in the way they’ve always behaved on a cricket field. Team mantras can be a nonsense when 11 different humans have 11 different personality traits. As a coach, you know some of those players need to keep their emotions in check to perform. Others will revel in antagonism and verbal battles. They need to go looking for them.

Langer understands this as well as anyone. As a player he’s shared dressing rooms with strong personalities who have bent for no one. Warne. McGrath. Waugh. The other Waugh. Slater. Hayden. Ponting. In these and most other cricket sides, every player has to be treated as unique.

You can forget he’s in the field until he actually has to do a piece of fielding

The coach’s job is to let each of them be themselves. Different buttons need to be pressed. The exception is when an XI includes 11 similar types of people. The same button works for them all. This entire side is basically cut from the same cloth. Langer’s.

AARON FINCH

He’s replaced Warner. Hardly a like-for-like swap. Warner has been the attack dog. Finch is one of Langer’s obedient pets. He’s a calm presence. A peacemaker. An experienced and unflappable soul.

He’s made his Test debut less than two months ago. He knows why he’s been brought in. To make runs, of course. And also to steady the previously turbulent emotional ship. There’s no way Australia will act like the Smith and Warner teams. Because there’s no Smith and Warner. It’s a shame in a way. All they’ve needed to do is not use sandpaper.

MARCUS HARRIS

Welcome to the brotherhood, you little bastard. Those were Langer’s words in a text message when Harris’s selection was confirmed. Langer has thrown thousands of balls at him in the Perth nets. He likens Harris to a little brother, which says it all.

It’s a heartwarming choice: an accomplished Sheffield Shield player gets the reward of a Test debut. But rookies in the Langer regime are going to do as they’re told. For Harris, that means behaving like a little Langer which, of course, is no bad thing.

USMAN KHAWAJA

As laid-back as it comes. The best batsman in the side. He’s outspoken in interviews but the on-field demeanour has been a career-long demonstration of turning the other cheek and keeping your trap shut.

Quietly goes about his business. You can forget he’s in the field until he actually has to do a piece of fielding. There’s been grand entertainment to watching Australia go at the throats of India, South Africa and England. Recent series’ against India have crackled with the fight. It’s likely to be less so now that the directive is to turn the other cheek.

SHAUN MARSH

Quieter than one of the mice at an Adelaide cathedral. A striking resemblance to his old man, Geoff, in the no-nonsense way he goes about his business, even though he has a whole lot more shots in his book.

It’s lazy to always throw the Marsh brothers into the same sentences. Sack the Marshes. Keep the Marshes. The issues run deeper than that. But Shaun’s own teammates can barely get a peep out of him, let alone the Indians.

TRAVIS HEAD

May be too busy wondering how he’s made the team to get involved in verbals. He’s there because Steve Smith is suspended, not because of his averages.

He’s a hardworking and likeable soul who fits Langer’s selection criteria of having a masters in being a good bloke. It’s difficult to throw your weight around in a Test when you’re still trying to prove you deserve to have become a Test player.

MITCHELL MARSH

A more lively character than Shaun and in this line-up, one of the more flamboyant souls full stop. But he has the Marsh trait of standing back from the fray.

Warner and Smith have always been front and centre in conflict. Marsh is one of two new vice-captains even though he’s no selection certainty. As such, the heat is on him, more than most others, to behave spotlessly. When a team names a lot of leaders, it usually means there’s not enough.

TIM PAINE

A supreme mediator. A clean gloveman who’s trying to tidy up Australian cricket like he’s trying to catch an errant throw towards the stumps.

The second best wicketkeeper-batsman in the country behind Alex Carey, but second to none for the image and manner Cricket Australia is desperate to parade.

Wants everyone to shut up about team culture. How exhausting for him — trying to beat the No 1 Test side in the world while being required to win a PR battle that has become tedious.

MITCHELL STARC

The one true wildcard. The one bloke who won’t surprise if he ends up fronting the ICC referee. Thankfully, perhaps hopefully, he cannot always contain his white-line fever.

Doesn’t take kindly to going for runs. Enjoys mocking a batsman. Fond of almighty send-offs, verbals, deposits to the swear jar. A classic case of certain players needing to be let off their leashes by Langer.

It’s his job to intimidate and scare the living daylights out of the Indians. New-ball bowlers aren’t meant to be good blokes. They’re meant to be animals. Let them be.

PAT CUMMINS

If it was possible to condense the desired characteristics of a Test XI into one man, you’d end up with Cummins. He’s a wonderful blend of ripping in with energy and a fierce competitiveness while steering clear of drama. He’s nearly too good for it.

It’s just not in him to get hot and heavy. But there’s a sort of gold-toothed menace to what he does. The body language is upbeat and the athleticism is obvious. But you can’t get everyone acting like Cummins. Because they’re not Cummins. Captain-in-waiting.

NATHAN LYON

There’s a suspicion members of the Cape Town team will take secrets to their graves. Anyone who’s seen that shoebox dressing room knows it’s virtually impossible for conversations to happen without everyone hearing.

We’re not singling out Lyon but among that bowling group as a whole it’s properly remarkable if none of them have known a thing about the sandpaper. Lyon’s on-field behaviour always follows the lead of his teammates. In quiet teams, he’s quiet. When Warner and Smith have fired up in the past, he’s followed them in.

JOSH HAZLEWOOD

If there’s a less likely fast bowler to get into argie-bargie, we’re yet to meet him. He’s had one outburst. Who the f. k is the third umpire? He hollered it in a Christchurch Test. He was fined for dissent alongside Smith. “Definitely out of character,” he said at the time.

Hazlewood comes from good country stock. He goes about his business like he’s rounding up cattle. No wasted energy. No histrionics. Barely a recognition that there even is a batsman. He runs in and hits a good length. And repeats. He’s respectable. Dependable. Old-fashioned. He used to be the perfect foil for Warner and Smith when they started getting twitchy. He’s brought the temperature down but now, as vice-captain, he is the temperature.