It will get boring quickly if Usain Bolt is a dolt at soccer

The Bend It Like Beckham phase of Usain Bolt’s rich life will become awfully boring if he’s a dunderhead at soccer.

It’s a goal … Usain Bolt taps one in at Mariners training Picture: Brett Costello

The Bend It Like Beckham phase of Usain Bolt’s rich life will become awfully boring, awfully quickly, if he’s a dunderhead at soccer. Because when he’s running round with the Central Coast Mariners, he no longer looks like an eight-time Olympic gold medallist and the most likely representative of the human race if there’s ever a 100m sprint against members of the animal kingdom.

He’s a journeyman footballer now and heaven forbid, slowly but surely, the image will become a sad one if he proves to have two left feet.

It’s a rather unexpected development to stop looking at Bolt in awe. His attempt to earn an A-League contract was expected to hold endless fascination. It’s Usain Bolt! But he doesn’t appear as an Olympic sprinter when he’s not doing any Olympic sprinting.

He’s a wannabe soccer player. There’s no untouchable element to him, unless he starts laughing up matches. If he shanks a kick, you don’t overlook it because, oh well, it’s Usain Bolt. When he’s playing soccer, you judge him as a footballer. And it’s not necessarily a thrill a minute.

Bolt was on display again this morning. A week has passed since his unveiling at the beautiful Central Coast Stadium revealed absolutely nothing about his skill levels. By now, perhaps he’s learnt Riley McGree scorpion kicks, Ronaldo’s PlayStation goals or at the very least, found a way to kick off his right boot as well as his heavily favoured left.

He will play in a trial match for the Mariners on Friday night and then we’ll see the real story. It’s live on TV. There will be 20,000 people in the stands. And there will be nowhere to hide.

Local opposition players will see him as a way to make a name for themselves. Rough him up. Show him up. The showtime component of Bolt’s appearance is in full swing. There will be fireworks, dancers, a DJ and Bolt masks.

But it’s all smoke and mirrors. They’ll need to stop the music if the amateurs start running rings around him. Lightning bolt, or dolt?

The more kids at sporting events, the better. Good on the Mariners for milking it. Family tickets are cheap at $50 a pop. Coming off the bench, standing on the sideline before he runs on, Bolt should break into his To Da World stance.

Soccer is well covered for bland characters. He may as well jazz it up. But what odds that Bolt is nowhere near A-League standard? That one of the world’s greatest playboys and party animals will grow tired of living at Terrigal if the mission to become a full-time player becomes complicated?

Every time he appears, he looks less of an Olympian and more of what he is right now. A journeyman footballer. And that sort of figure can only hold the attention for so long.

The fastest man on Earth was quick out of the blocks today. At 32 years of age, the ancient Mariner was the first out of the tunnel. He was knackered ahead of time. Down on his haunches. He put his face in his hands.

Whether he bends it like Beckham or Besart Berisha, he’s going to need the sort of endurance fitness work that will test the man’s patience.

“It’s about being focused, being smart, taking my time and pushing myself to get to the level I need to get in the starting XI,” he says. “It’s about getting fit and getting touches on the ball. The more I play, the more comfortable I will get.

“The stop-and-go is the challenge. The tick-tacks. I’m not used to picking up speed, going back down, up and down, up and down. It’s part of the learning process … to get to a higher level. Nothing frustrates me.”

Of his appearance in Friday night’s trial, he says: “There will be nerves. It’s not like it’s a charity game. This is a career I’m pursuing. I will be a little bit nervous. I know I’m going to make mistakes that you guys are going to critique. I also expect to make myself proud and push myself. I know I’m not going to have a perfect game. I’m just here to enjoy, push myself and do my best.”

With no apparent attempt at humour, a likeable and fairly quietly spoken man adds: “I’m just trying to get up to speed.”