Customary start to stopping Eddie in 39 easy steps

Progress report, Day Two of the “Operation Make Life Miserable for the Poms” campaign.

Progress report, Day Two of the “Operation Make Life Miserable for the Poms” campaign — Background: Eddie Jones, Australian agent of previously unimpeachable loyalty but recently defected to become the England rugby team coach. Travelling in company with said team, he arrived at Brisbane International Airport on Thursday early am where he was required to undergo a full Customs inspection.

Customs officers, as per directive from the PM’s office, detained him for several unsettling hours, during which time he was forced to discard from his luggage every trace of plant life — including red roses embroidered on virtually every item of clothing.

It was hoped he would take the warning. He didn’t. On his release, he immediately gave a press conference, claiming he and his team were being victimised. At this point Customs officers assigned to watch him in the airport precinct decided that a second, more intrusive search was warranted.

As he was being led away, Jones yelled that the Australian media also are involved in the ­conspiracy.

Unfortunately, this occasioned guilty looks all around. The fieldcraft of some agents was deplorable and several members of the media have been formally sanctioned over this lapse.

However, the assessment of case officers is that Jones’ outburst was not treated seriously by ­onlookers or, in turn, by the wider population. Still, caution would dictate that we proceed on the ­suspicion that our many agents in the media have been ­compromised. Indeed, Operation MLMftP ­almost had to be cancelled before it has seriously begun.

As a matter of urgency, the Australian media should be distanced from this operation, at least until the heat has settled. Wallabies training sessions should be closed to the media to make it appear that they are in no way involved. Frankly, this may be desirable on a number of fronts. The media is incapable of staying on message. One of its number was even found to be taking “happy snaps” while lineout practice was taking place in the background.

Further, a search through the archives indicates that even when Jones himself was coaching the Wallabies (2002-05), the ­Australian media under his control were highly suspect and of dubious loyalty.

This crisis has occasioned talks at the highest levels. “M” — which of course stands for … sorry insufficient security clearance — has been recalled from Area 51 to take personal charge. He has experience of Jones from when they were both young operatives under cover at Randwick Rugby Club which may yet yield valuable insights into Jones and his motives.

“M” has decided Jones is to be discredited. He is far too close to the truth to be allowed to continue. Discrediting him may prove difficult, however, in part because he sounds like former PM Bob Hawke and hence is utterly plausible to Australian listeners. (All agents take note: any operation to discredit Jones cannot be allowed to compromise the former PM. Suggest beer not be involved.)

Agent 001 (retired) has made recommendation that Jones be attacked for advocating Bodyline. Says Australians will be outraged by the very idea. However, this ­appears to be generational thing only. Most Australians, when ­queried about Bodyline, believed it to be some kind of sports girdle.

An assessment also is being made of Jones’ reference to “the battle of Ballymore”. Seemingly, he is concerned about the possibility of Australia escalating ­operations against him to the point of violence. This was never the ­intention but perhaps it can be exploited. Agents Tony Shaw and Stuart MacDougall should be recalled from long service leave to have a word with Jones. Nothing too overt. Just a hint of menace.

Agent 009 felt the moment was ripe to “awaken” sleeper in ­English rugby team. I believe this to be an excellent suggestion if precautions are taken. The agent is so deep we need to protect him/her (can’t be too careful). MI5 is starting to get suspicious. Before sleeper is awakened suggest we activate disinformation campaign to incriminate convenient Aust­ralian in English team to distract them. Apparently he is Kiwi by birth so he will be doubly suspicious to them. Only once this is underway do we initiate sleeper activation to discredit Jones from within his own team. Code name: “Operation Dylan”.

It hardly needs stating, but this is an extremely sensitive and dangerous operation. The target is a former Australian agent before turning rogue so he is well aware of what measures might be used against him. He is cunning, resourceful and, since defecting to England, extremely well-­financed.

My recommendation is that the Operation be maintained only up until next Saturday. If we do our work competently, the ­Wallabies will go one-up and ­England will implode. NB: Agents should gather any comments Jones makes in the coming week about the importance of the ­Brisbane Test to then use against him after Australia wins.

Trust no-one. As for our agents in the media, no more slip-ups!