Ashes battle is no place for pimps

Australia’s No.6 batting contenders Dan Hughes and inset, Jake Lehmann.

The most disturbing thing about Australian cricket: apparently we only have five Test-standard batsmen and no one knows who will bat at No.6 in the Ashes.

Second-most disturbing thing about Australian cricket: two of the leading contenders for the No.6 spot appear to be trying to look like 1970s porn stars.

Forget their first-class batting averages or whether they can bowl a bit, or even whether one of them is only being considered because of his close relationship to the Australian coach. The real issue, so far unspoken in selection circles, is the ridiculous moustaches sported by Daniel Hughes and Jake Lehmann. Both of them like caterpillars on their top lips, too big for their youthful faces. Occasionally they appear to have been waxed and twirled at the ends.

Both Hughes and Lehmann have credentials. New South Welshman Hughes has a first-class batting average of 36.06 and has picked up a couple of centuries in the Sheffield Shield and the domestic one-day competition.

South Australian Lehmann, son of Australian coach Darren, averages 44 with the bat and has a reasonable strike rate with his slow left-arm orthodox bowling.

But in 2017, do we really want two blokes who look like pimps representing Australia in this most important of sporting contests?

My grandmother used to say that kissing a man without a moustache was like eating an egg without salt. But that was in the 1930s — fashions in facial hair have come a good way since.

In the 1970s and 1980s a moustache, the bushier the better, was a must for Australian Test cricketers.

Former top-order mainstay, and ‘tash specialist, David Boon.

David Boon had a beauty, big enough to have its own postcode. The Chappell brothers both had them, although a little more manicured. Dennis Lillee’s menace off his long run was dramatically increased by the mo drooping down either side of his sneer. Max Walker had a big one. David Hooke’s was as blonde and dashing as his hair. Even the great Allan Border sported a hairy upper lip for much of his decorated career.

But those moustaches were also accompanied by shirts open to the belly button and flared cricket pants. Players wore long, floppy haircuts and went out to bat in kit that looked like pyjamas.

We’ve moved on. It’s the 21st century. We’ve lived through designer stubble and the hipster beard. It’s time to grow up. Let’s pick a No 6 batsman without embarrassing facial hair.

At least Glenn Maxwell has a straight-forward beard.

Merv Hughes sported one of the finest soup-strainers in Test history.