NRL grand final: Billy Slater’s hopes rest on panel of three men

Bambi needs no introduction. He’s the fullback for the Melbourne Storm.

Melbourne Storm fullback Billy Slater waves goodbye to supporters at AAMI Park on Friday night. Picture: Getty Images

Bambi needs no introduction. He’s the fullback for the Melbourne Storm. He’s in a spot of bother right now. Not sleeping well. Thinking that recent developments are too much of a nightmare to be true. Because Bambi may receive a career-ending suspension at NRL headquarters tomorrow night. No grand final for the deer/dear little thing. No lap of honour. Bang, bang. They might shoot him down. Shot him dead.

The Storm’s CEO cries, but you can’t shoot Bambi! But they can, you know. They can take him out the back of the NRL building, which just happens to be right near the offices of the Sydney Roosters, and put a bullet in his head. It should happen, too. There’s video evidence of Bambi shoulder charging. And yet things get complicated when you’re about to give Bambi one right between the eyes. You get sentimental when it’s Bambi. You find it hard to ignore the fact you love Bambi. You want Bambi to stay. The problem for the NRL judiciary of three former players is that they are three former players, and none of them will feel comfortable about having Bambi’s blood on their hands. They’re going to be confronted by emotion and conscience and the sounds of small violins. Bang, bang? It’ll be brutal if it happens.

Has there ever been a bigger ­judiciary hearing? When the defendant introduces himself to the panel — I’m Bambi, your honour, and I didn’t mean to hurt anyone — they’ll be looking into the eyes of a frightened creature. Bambi has one match left to play, or none. He may be on the verge of the greatest night of his time in rugby league, or one of the worst. His fate hangs on the judgments of three people. If the population of Sydney is 5,131,326, it doesn’t matter if 5,131,323 of us think he should go. All that counts is the opinions of those three blokes on the panel. Bambi will blink at them and beg. Please don’t do this to me. Please.

There hasn’t been this much courtroom drama since Julia Roberts played Erin Brockovich. If Bambi is wiped out of the grand final, there will be the sort of awkward pause seen in various episodes of South Park. Oh my God, they killed Kenny! You bastards!

A one-match suspension is a life sentence for Bambi. He’s retiring at the end of the season. He may be retired right now. Yet the emotional aspects are totally and utterly immaterial. It has to be if the NRL judiciary system is to be taken seriously. Bambi has no God-given right to play a grand final. He needs to be regarded as Player X. The code’s protocols around player safety need to be upheld. Shoulder charges have been banned for a reason — they’re 70 per cent more likely to cause serious injury. Bambi’s case revolves around the video evidence. The physical acts. Everything else is what Cold Chisel has sung about in the past. Sentimental bullshit.

The NRL grand final will be a belter with or without Bambi. With or without Cooper Cronk. They’re large figures. They’re not larger than the game.

But Bambi has played 318 NRL games! Immaterial. Thirty-one Origins! Immaterial. Thirty Tests! Immaterial. He’s won Dally Ms! Immaterial. Golden Boots! Immaterial. Clive Churchill Medals! Immaterial. Wally Lewis Medals! Immaterial. He’s nice to old people and animals! Immaterial. He writes children’s books! Immaterial. They’re actually quite good! Immaterial. It doesn’t matter that Bambi has been all heart and soul in fighting back from shoulder reconstructions. It doesn’t matter that he’s captured the heart of Joyce Churchill.

What matters is the yes-or-no answer to the most basic question. Did Bambi commit a shoulder charge? Yes. But it’s Bambi! There can be no buts. There was no malice! It was a try-saver! No one was hurt! Immaterial.

What an extraordinary weekend in Australian sport. We’re witnessing big-picture, historic stuff. Legendary clubs and individuals in the NRL and AFL are going through moments that will be ­remembered for decades to come. Collingwood’s first half against Richmond in front of nearly 100,000 spectators at the MCG on Friday night. West Coast’s like-minded ambush of Melbourne the following day. Incredible scenes. For Bambi to light the joint up and qualify for his fifth grand final for the Storm, only to face the galling prospect of being suspended and never playing again, is a significant moment in time given the status of the player involved. For Bambi’s old teammate Cronk to take his Lord Nelson-scale leadership qualities to the next level by virtually losing an arm against South Sydney but still functioning as a leader, that’s folkloric in itself. Cronk’s fate will take a week to be known. Slater has a couple of days.

Since the shoulder charge rule was beefed up last year, four of the five players to fight a charge have been successful at the judiciary, ­according to statistics supplied by Fox Sports. Souths’ Sam Burgess was one player exonerated, but it was a completely different case. Burgess was basically standing still. The Bulldogs’ Greg Eastwood passed the ball, Burgess was unable to avoid a rather gentle collision, he knocked Eastwood on his arse, fronted the judiciary and ­escaped.

Cowboy Jason Taumalolo was the player rubbed out by the panel. He’d lined up the Broncos’ Alex Glenn. Like Slater, he was the cause of the collision. Like Slater did with the Sharks’ Sosaia Feki, he knocked Glenn base over apex. Taumalolo delivered a front-on shot. Slater’s was side-on. So what? The verdict for Taumalolo was a no-brainer. He had to go. So should Bambi, but there’s a few things in his favour. It’s a grand final. It’s the end of his career. And it’s Bambi. Three judiciary members, all former players who probably played when shoulder charges were accepted, are going to have to sit there, look him in the eye and pull the trigger. Gung-ho, or gun-shy?

The NRL defines a shoulder charge as “where a defender does not use, or attempt to use, his arms (including his hands) to tackle or otherwise take hold of the opposing player and the contact is ­forceful”.

That’s the only guideline we need to make our own judgments. Does Slater use, or attempt to use, his arms or hands? No. Does he in any way try to take hold of Feki? Not even close. Is the contact forceful? Yes. Three strikes. Out. Otherwise, the judiciary will be setting quite the precedent. An ­acquittal will carry the message that fullbacks are allowed to shoulder charge if they’re attempting to save a try. That’s dangerous and ridiculous territory.

Bambi has slipped through a few holes, and received a few favourable verdicts, in the past. He’s described the incident with Feki as an unfortunate collision, but it’s a collision he and he alone caused. His defence will rest on the location of his right hand at the moment of impact. There’s a still frame in which his hand appears to be on Feki’s chest. This single Kodak moment may be enough to suggest the merest hint of a less-than-lethal shoulder charge. Which may be enough to get him off. Not because he’s innocent, but because he’s Bambi.