Medication helps me live in my own head

Former NRL great James Graham opens up on his mental health battles and asks if concussion has anything to do with it?

James Graham at his home in Sydney’s south Picture: John Feder

When I stepped on to the football field, I felt alive. But away from the play, the hype, the crowds, the glory, the team, at times, I was a man living with crippling anxiety and dealing with depression.

On reflection, football was almost like my medication. An activity to justify the anxiety and depression that would otherwise plague me.

With football, my mind was consumed by training, video reviews of the game just gone, video previews of the game to come, leadership meetings, physio, media, community events, charity visits and then – after playing each week – to wind down and celebrate with my teammates.

This was a cycle on repeat. There was sometimes very little time to get bogged down in my own head.

In the autumn of 2015, I wrote a letter to my children, to explain who I was in case I ever had a cognitive decline or succumbed to dementia. I was concerned about who I may become.

During the podcast investigation Head Noise I’ve had time to really consider where my mind was and when I look back I can see now I wasn’t well and needed help. I was fortunate or lucky to come through.

This was not the only dark and difficult period of my football life.

In the final couple of seasons of my career, I was really concerned about my brain.

You see I was suffering slight headaches. I was now quite concerned about the repetitive collisions – and I was consumed with thoughts about protecting my head. I was actively avoiding situations I once loved on the field. Those big collision moments I was, at times, trying to avoid.

Even off the field I was starting to protect my head. So much so I was really careful about opening, say, a kitchen cupboard and not getting my head in the way.

On the field I was thinking about the position I was putting myself in a lot. I wasn’t participating in training as much as what I probably would have liked. I was avoiding situations.

When I look back now, I can see I was in an incredibly stressful situation. While in 2020 I shut the door on a pretty glorious career, 2021 brought some bad times.

My head has spiralled into some very dark places.

The lockdown in 2021, my first year out of footy, triggered immense anxiety and depression. I felt like without the cloak of footy my mental health was exposed.

I drank too much to numb all the feelings that have come over me, many times just to get away from my whirling mind.

I have at times felt my impulses were too hard to control that I started taking a pill to stop me from drinking so much. A drug designed to make you sick if you drink alcohol. My anxiety – which was always there – became overwhelming. Debilitating at times.

I am very, very fortunate, I have a supportive family. Taryn, my soon to be wife, was on to me and the conversation she had with me went something like this; ‘It can’t be fun living in your head right now. It can’t be good living like this, so let’s get some help’.

I called Dr Steffan Eriksson at the St George Dragons. He immediately said: “I’ll see you at lunch time tomorrow.”

James Graham played more than 400 games in the NRL and English Super League Picture: Getty Images

After less than a week I was prescribed medication, antidepressants. I feel like that has helped me immensely. To be honest, I felt like a completely new person after one week. I’m so thankful for Dr Eriksson.

I know I am in a privileged position.

A lot of others might not have had that avenue to go down and that’s part of the problem. Like I have said all along, Head Noise is a podcast investigation about solutions; I believe and maintain an annual brain/body/mind check up. It can perhaps save someone’s life. I have approached the NRL about this – they are yet to decide if this is a feasible plan to enact.

I use medicinal cannabis to help my anxiety and, in turn, my sleeping. I have been insomniac since I was a teen. I see a therapist to help with the dark thoughts.

But all these symptoms; insomnia, mood swings, irritation, alcohol abuse … and my concerns around short term memory loss …

Is concussion to blame? Or was I just susceptible anyway?

James Graham is a former NRL player who represented England and Great Britain in 53 Tests

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