Your guide to The Everest winner
It’s mirth past the post, straight from the horse’s mouth.
STORM BOY
Grew up on an isolated stretch of the South Australian coastline. Befriended three pelicans. Developed a special affinity with Mr Percival. Lists Fingerbone Bill and Gai Waterhouse among his greatest life influences. Colin Thiele’s book reveals the biggest compliment Fingerbone Bill ever gave him: “You run like a blackfella!” Waterhouse says Storm Boy is “enormously courageous”. And she isn’t even talking about his acceptance of the passing of Mr Percival. More heartache may be on its way. Storm Boy could be replaced in the field by Switzerland. It’ll be another heartbreaking goodbye. “Mrs Waterhouse,” he will say. “You’re the best, best friend I ever had.”
I WISH I WIN
Born with severely deformed front legs. In the absence of para-horseracing, pursued a career at the track anyway. Hails from Waikato, where he probably attended university with fellow famous alumni Jacinda Ardern and Warren Gatland. The latter tried unsuccessfully to get him into an All Blacks No.11 jersey. He’s a wonderfully optimistic horse. Agrees he has two wonky legs. But the other two work a treat! When his water bucket is considered half empty he protests no, no, no, half full! Believes in the power of positive thinking. Keeps a journal. Most recent entries: Globally, I wish for world peace and Alyssa Healy’s speedy recovery. Personally, I wish I win The Everest by the proverbial!
BELLA NIPOTINA
Did a quick phone interview with her on the weekend. Inquired politely about her age. She’s the oldest horse in the race. Had a wonderful perspective. Said she was proud of being seven. Found inspiration in Helen Mirren’s approach to ageing. Borrowed two of Mirren’s quotes to explain it all. “The weird thing is, you get more comfortable in yourself even as time is giving you less reason for it,” Bella Nipotina said. “When you’re young and beautiful, you’re paranoid and miserable. I think one of the great advantages of getting older is you let go of certain things.” Then she pinched and modified another of Mirren’s quotes to cheerfully summarise her life journey. “Four is grand,” she said. “Five is great, six is fab and seven is f ..king awesome!”
I AM ME
Huge fan of the Barbie movie. Loves Margot Robbie’s portrayal but draws particular encouragement from Ken. I Am Me was ravaged by self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy as a youngster. Even when she blitzed last year’s Canterbury Sprint and jockey Andrew Adkins said, “There are better things in store for her”, she didn’t believe in herself. She’s really kicked on since July 2023 – which, uncoincidentally, was Barbie’s release date. She felt a special affinity with Ken’s journey of self-discovery and acceptance of his imperfections before wearing his T-shirt saying, “I Am Enough”. She sat sobbing in the back row of the cinema and said, “Yes, Ken. Yes. I, too, am all I need to be. I am me!”
TRAFFIC WARDEN
Certain to be the first Everest horse to be booed. Polite racegoers may merely roll their eyes and suck their teeth but the reception from the majority will be vicious. A couple of hundred bucks for staying a few minutes too long in a school zone while picking up the kids? Are you kidding, Traffic Warden? A hundred bucks for being a few minutes late in a one-hour parking spot? Boo, Traffic Warden! Boo! He plans to race in a high-vis vest, long tradie pants and wide-brimmed hat while mumbling, “Just doing my job, mate”.
SUNSHINE IN PARIS
Bigger motor than Ariarne Titmus. Bigger heart than Alexa Leary. Bigger resolve than Curtis McGrath. Bigger ambition than Mollie O’Callaghan. Bigger game face than Jess Fox. Plotting a bigger upset than Noemie Fox. Bigger reservoir of determination than Lauren Parker. Bigger brain than Dan Michel. Bigger personality than Jamieson Leeson. Bigger enthusiasm than Arisa Trew. Bigger sense of occasion than Nina Kennedy. Motivated by a European summer jaunt that took in Australia’s Olympic and Paralympic success. Ready to emerge from the shadow of her Netflix superstar sister, Emily.
LADY OF CAMELOT
Arthurian legend. I can find only one reliable form guide. This from Lord Alfred Tennyson: “On either side the river lie long fields of barley and rye, that clothe the wold and meet the sky; and thro’ the field the road runs by to many-tower’d Camelot: and up and down the people go, gazing where the lilies blow round an island there below, the island of Shalott.” Tennyson mentions Lady’s win in the Golden Slipper and in the great tradition of colourful racing writers, he adds: “Willows whiten, aspens shiver. The sunbeam showers break and quiver in the stream that runneth ever by the island in the river flowing down to Camelot. Four gray walls, and four gray towers overlook a space of flowers, and the silent isle imbowers …” In other words, she has a big heart and will go all day.
PRIVATE EYE
Suspicious character. Forever hiding behind pot plants, peering through binoculars, speaking into walkie-talkies, sitting in parked cars doing surveillance, smoking cigarettes, eating hamburgers, watching CCTV footage and viewing re-runs of Better Call Saul. Asks a lot of questions of trainer Joe Pride. Where were you on the night of August 23rd? Got an alibi? Forever slipping people his business card and saying, “Just in case you need it”. His favoured clothing is a dark suit and sunglasses. Much like Peter V’landys. And yet The Everest boss, of all people, insists he wears a saddlecloth on race day. Came third in last year’s race behind stablemate Think About It. Suspects foul play. Investigations are continuing.
STEFI MAGNETICA
Forging a new career in sport after her failed attempt to become a Hollywood superhero. Thought she had the name for it. Pitched herself to LA moguls as a German woman who saves the world thanks to her ability to stick like glue to all steel surfaces. They didn’t buy it. Demanded to know, how will this help you restore law and order? She replied, “I’ll be a leader in my field! An electromagnetic field!” Decided to keep her name in racing. She’ll attract some punters, repel others. Performs best in an electric atmosphere. Knows what she has to do to win. Run at the speed of light.
JOLIESTAR
Love child of renowned dam and sire, Angelina Jolie and Ringo Starr. A good sort. Walks to the beat of her own drum. Proficient at winning by a nose. When asked how to become a successful racehorse, she grumbles, “It don’t come easy”. When asked how she’s preparing for The Everest, she smiles, “With a little help from my friends”. When asked how she will handle defeat, she says. “Let it be”. When asked whom victory will be dedicated to, she declares, “Eleanor Rigby”. Ringo and the Beatles had the legendary George Martin in their corner. Joliestar’s Everest performance will be produced by the George Martin of the turf, Chris Waller. “A star”, Waller says. Perhaps he meant “A Starr”.
GIGA KICK
I get the kick reference. It’s what the horse has. A big kick when the ship is cracking. What’s the Giga about? Where’d the name come from. He says on a Zoom call, “Giga is a unit prefix in the metric system denoting a factor of short-scale billion or long-scale milliard. It has the symbol G.” He won The Everest in 2022, beating Private Eye by about a milliard. Investigations are continuing. He was scratched last year when favourite because of a glute strain suffered at the gym. “Giga is derived from the Greek word gigas, meaning giant,” he continues. “When referring to information units in computing, such as gigabyte, giga may sometimes mean 1,073,741,824, two to the 30th power. This causes ambiguity.” I ask, mate, are you getting this off Wikipedia? Click. He hangs up.
GROWING EMPIRE
This colt is presently what Margot Robbie’s child will be in 2027: the most exciting three-year-old in the country. Pipped at the post by Southport Tycoon in the Manikato Stakes. While losing a race to Clive Palmer isn’t the most promising of form lines, he’ll be up to his neck in this. Empire’s biggest problem isn’t finding the finishing line. It’s knowing the finishing line is when he’s meant to finish at the end of his Everest journey. What’s the length of the race? I searched, “The Everest” and “Distance” and it came up as 68.7km. Crikey! That’s longer than the Melbourne Cup! This Everest is 1200m. On debut at Royal Randwick, Empire galloped past the post and all the way through a back fence.
SWITZERLAND
One for the neutrals. Shuns conflict. Comically polite. Likes yodelling. May replace Storm Boy in the field after winning Saturday’s Roman Consul Stakes. I spent a lovely morning with Switzerland at Chris Waller’s stables on Sunday. The language barrier wasn’t much of an issue. It was like interviewing Roger Federer. It started with, “Chasch du Schwizerdutsch?” No mate, I said. I don’t speak Swiss German.” When I pulled out my dictaphone, he screwed up his face and asked, “Wie heist das uf Schwizerdutsch?” No mate, I huffed. I don’t know what it’s called in Swiss German. Also loves milky chocolate, fresh mountain air, a good wristwatch and punctuality. In blistering form, right on time. Poor old Storm Boy.
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