Women’s Ashes: Alyssa Healy returns for an Ashes Test where nobody has anything to lose

What an Australian side this is. History will regard it fondly. The best nicknames in cricket are taken, with Don Bradman’s era The Invincibles and Steve Waugh’s sides The Irrepressibles, but an unprecedented run through the Ashes will warrant a moniker of suitable gravitas. Need to give that some thought. Suggestions?

Australian captain Alyssa Healy and England captain Heather Knight at the MCG.

“I’m standing here in front of you …” Alyssa Healy says on the eve of the Women’s Ashes Test at the MCG. Her sincere and almost pleading tone brings to mind Julia Roberts in Notting Hill. You’re just a girl, standing in front of Hugh Grant or Mitchell Starc, asking him to love you? Not quite.

“I’m standing here in front of you, without a moon boot, saying I’m ready to go,” is Healy’s less romantic yet significant declaration of intent to lead her all-conquering Australian XI to a possible 16-0 sweep of the Ashes.

She missed the T20 component of the series because of a foot injury but plans to relinquish the wicketkeeping gloves to Beth Mooney, plonk herself at first slip and bat anywhere required.

What an Australian side this is. History will regard it fondly. The best nicknames in cricket are taken, with Don Bradman’s era The Invincibles and Steve Waugh’s sides The Irrepressibles, but an unprecedented run through this seven-match contest will warrant a moniker of suitable gravitas. Need to give that some thought. Suggestions?

I adore Healy’s mob. They’re entertaining cricketers and wonderful humans. They were playing with a team song in their hearts and advancing women’s sport long before the Matildas.

I admire Steve Smith’s men’s side in equal measure, though, as wonderful cricketers and entertaining humans, and how bewildering and downright bloody annoying that cricket lovers like you and I, dear reader, cannot properly watch both Australian teams this week.

The final T20 game of the Ashes clashed with the women’s singles final at the Australian Open. Eyeballs were lost. Now the rarity of a women’s Test, the first at the MCG since 1949, the year Dennis Lillee and John Farnham were born, and Robert Menzies began his second innings as Prime Minister, and Foxzami won the Melbourne Cup, deserves stand-alone status – but it coincides with the final four days of the men’s Test in Sri Lanka. More eyeballs and attention spans are squandered. It’s impossible to read two novels at once.

What to do? Bang on about the clashes? No point. The Ashes has to coincide with something. The Border-Gavaskar Trophy and the BBL went forever. Most of the women will sip a champagne at the Belinda Clark Medal night on Monday before jetting off to India for the WPL. It’s now or never for the Test. I’m sitting here in front of you, at a laptop, without a moon boot, gazing at the coliseum that is the MCG and thinking one of the finest gatherings of Australian athletes deserves a stage like this.

Healy’s high-spirited team has nothing to lose. They’ve already retained the Ashes. The first women’s old-enemy contests were in 1934/35. Since the introduction of the points system in 2013, no team has won 16-0. For a generation of players that has been there, done that, won everything, bought the T-shirts, it’s potentially a unique and mighty accomplishment.

Healy is standing here in front of you, without a moon boot, saying: “If you asked me at the start of the series to be 12-0, I’d have taken it. It’s obviously a massive tick for us but the beauty of this group is knowing the job’s not done yet. England will have a point to prove … they’ll be dangerous.”

Bob Dylan sang, “When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose.” Which will be England’s status when play begins at 2.30pm. The visitors do indeed have nothing to lose because they have no points. The hosts have nothing to lose, either, because they’re in an unbeatable position. Finally, dear reader, we have a sporting contest where nobody has anything to lose!

“We know what a good side they are,” Healy says. “We’ve managed to keep them quite quiet. Ideally, we want that 16-0. It’s a real tick of the box for us. The girls are working really hard to make it happen but most importantly, to enjoy this experience. It’s not every day you get to run out here in an Ashes series being 12-0 up.”

Healy returns looking to help Australia complete a historic clean sweep.

Humiliate the Poms! Bury ‘em! Healy’s standing here in front of you, without a moon boot, saying that’s not her sort of language.

“Humiliation’s not a great word to use,” she says. “It’s probably not one that I would use. But no team has ever whitewashed the series before, and to have that for this group of players, after the work we’ve done off the field in the last 12 to 18 months to get ourselves to this point, it would be a really nice marker for us.

“You need to pay well over four days in Test cricket to get a result go your way and we’ll be trying to do that. I’m pretty sure, for both sides, a draw is off the cards. I’d love to see a result and if it goes our way … cool. “It’s something I’ve never achieved before,” Healy says of an Ashes sweep. “I’ve been lucky enough to achieve quite a lot in the game and it would definitely be pretty high up there.”

Julia Roberts got the result she wanted. You expect a feel-good ending for Healy’s Australians, too. The Invincibles, The Irrepressibles, The … what?

England coach Jon Lewis has claimed the team without a nickname is more athletic, agile and powerful because of the Australian lifestyle.

“I walked from Bondi to Coogee the other Sunday morning and pretty much the whole of the eastern suburbs of Sydney were out swimming in the sea and running and walking,” he said. “There’s a cultural difference there.”

In response, Healy is standing here in front of you, without a moon boot, saying: “I’m glad Lewy enjoyed his time at Bondi.”

She’s watched her husband, Hugh Grant, sorry, Mitchell Starc, play umpteen Tests at the MCG. Now she gets her turn.

“Hopefully this game will signal people coming back to the cricket,” she says. “We saw an amazing turnout to the Border-Gavaskar Trophy this year, the BBL, the WBBL, people are wanting to watch good games of cricket at good venues.

“This is another opportunity to do that at one of the best venues in Australia. One of the more iconic ones. I’ve sat here every Boxing Day, watching Mitch run out, thinking what a cool opportunity that would be. For us to get the opportunity – I think not just Melbourne sporting fans, but Australian sporting fans, want to get behind it.”