Women’s Ashes: Alana King skittles an England team looking as bad as Joe Root’s

Ricky Ponting took a dim view of the England men’s side that lost the 2021/22 Ashes series 4-0. When Australia needed only 12 days to win the first three Tests against Joe Root’s bumbling tourists, Ponting said: “I don’t think I’ve seen a worse-performing team in Australia.” A quick question, have you seen this lot?

Alana King celebrates a caught and bowled against England at the MCG.

Ellyse Perry skirted the boundary like she was running an Olympic 400m. Dived to save a four. Launched into a commando roll. Flicked the ball clear of the rope but did herself a mischief. Grabbed at her left hip and started limping before disappearing to the MCG’s dressing room for an extended duration.

The extent of Perry’s troubles was unconfirmed at the time of writing, the tea break on day one of the Women’s Ashes Test, but it was reason to furrow one’s brow.

Wild horses would normally be unable to drive the Australian superstar from her field of endeavour. Her absence lingered – the only cause of concern for Australia as Alana King (3-37) bowled a beautiful spell of accurate, drifting, turning leg spin beneath the Shane Warne Stand to trigger England’s collapse of 7-142.

The king of spin would have approved of the spin King. As for the visitors, what a rabble. They required only four balls of the Test to find their common stance: the back foot.

Kim Garth broke through for Australia with an early offering of the pink ball and the cavernous stadium creaked with assuredness about the visitors continuing to fall short of competitiveness.

What a bummer. Are they no better than this? Don’t Heather Knight, Nat Sciver-Brunt, Tammy Beaumont, Sophie Eccleston, Amy Jones and Lauren Bell have reputations for being able to play a bit? We’ve seen scant evidence.

The Australians have been superb in a series forecast to be toe-to-toe, neck-and-neck, to-and-fro. Their excellence has been surpassed by England’s incompetence leading into the Test.

Ricky Ponting took a particularly dim view of the England men’s side that lost the 2021/22 Ashes series 4-0. When Australia needed only 12 days to win the first three Tests against Joe Root’s fumbling, bumbling tourists, Ponting said: “I don’t think I’ve seen a worse-performing team in Australia.” A quick question for the great Ricky Thomas Ponting. Have you seen this lot?

Heather Knights’s clan risk losing the multi-format contest 16-0. You cannot get less meritorious than that. Bouquets of tulips, sunflowers and carnations to the Australians. Brickbats to the Brit bats.

Australia captain Alyssa Healy won the toss and requested England have a hit. Garth elicited an almost immediate nick from Maia Bouchier (two), which was cleaned up by a diving Beth Mooney, replacing Healy as wicketkeeper, and the Australians were in their own familiar state. Cartwheeling and cockahoop.

Knight has done her darndest on this tour without much help. She reached 25 before Garth struck her lbw and put another dagger in her heart. Sciver-Brunt provided the only resistance (51no) but none of her teammates were guilty of overstaying their welcomes. Sciver-Brunt played a tough Test knock that chewed up 123 deliveries while she watched a procession of partners come and go too quickly.

“Everyone’s really disappointed with how we’ve performed so far,” was Knight’s pre-Test admission. “We feel like we haven’t played our best cricket at all as a side. We haven’t shown what we’re about and the next four days is a chance to do that. For us to show exactly who we are as cricketers and who we are as people.”

Rabble, bummer. No doubt they’re commendable humans. But their results have been disastrous. Even Root’s side drew a Test in 2021/22. Bravo to the dominance of the Australians but watching their foes trudge back and forth between crease and dressing room on Thursday, with shoulders slumped and eyes staring at the turf, I struggled to lift my despondency. There’s been two teams this series but thus far, with time running low, only one of them has played competitive cricket.