Australia first-class on a day of firsts

Mitchell Starc took a wicket with the first ball of the Ashes series as Test captain Pat Cummins had a dream first day in the job at the Gabba.

Mitchell Starc celebrates taking a wicket with his first ball on the first day of the Test

First ball of the first session on the first morning of the first day of the first Ashes Test. “I’m nervous,” Mitchell Johnson said while taking the new ball on radio. “Australia hasn’t played Test cricket for a while. How long will it take the bowlers to get it right?”

Not long. Mitchell Starc to Rory Burns. Starc aimed for the top of off stump. Hit the bottom of leg. That’ll do. The vanquished trudged back to the dressing room. You wouldn’t have blamed him for channelling another Burns – Montgomery, from The Simpsons – when telling England’s brains trust what he thought of their decision to bat first on a Gabba greentop under grey and humid skies: “You fools!”

Pat Cummins giggled in the team huddle. Piece of cake, this captaincy caper. Josh Hazlewood’s dismissal of Dawid Malan from a nick to the superb Alex Carey was so masterful and predictable that the Australian quick barely celebrated. He just pumped his giant fist like it was no big deal, which brought to mind Nate Diaz’s understated reaction to beating Conor McGregor in the UFC: “I’m not surprised, motherf … ers.” Pardon the language, but there’s an old-school trucker’s quality to Hazlewood’s work.

The toss had gone disastrously for England captain Joe Root. He won it. It was the sort of day when you would need a bit of luck with the blade. Because certain deliveries were bound to have your name on them. Hazlewood was operating with an accuracy otherwise seen at the world darts championships, where they throw nothing but bullseyes or thereabouts. He lumbered in and flung some leather that did indeed have JE Root’s name on it.

Edge. Catch to Dave Warner at first slip. Warner roared and threw his hands high. He pumped his fists. He laughed and high-fived everyone in sight and had never seen the world so bright. All of which was how he must have reacted to Stuart Broad being omitted from the England side. What’s going on there? It was like something out of Yes, Prime Minister. So ridiculous it had to be a joke.

England were 3-11. The feared captain was gone for a duck. Starc’s stump-rattler might have set the tone for the series. We’ve seen it a couple of times at the Gabba. Steve Harmison’s first ball of the first session on the first morning of the first day of the first Ashes Test in 2006 was an infamous wide. Tone, set. England lost the series 5-0.

Michael Slater faced the first ball of the first session on the first morning of the first day of the first Ashes Test in 1994 … and hit Phil deFreitas for four. Tone, set. Australia won the series 3-1.

You may or may not believe in signs, miracles, wonders and omens in sport, but I do, and when Rory Burns had his Montgomery Burns moment, I suspected the series was done and dusted.

Ben Stokes would normally bat like there’s no tomorrow. At 3-11, he had to defend as if his life depended on it. Superman had to settle. Cummins’s giggles continued when he dismissed Stokes for five.

At 4-29, Ollie Pope came in for the tourists. They needed the real one. Ollie was industrious in making 35 but attempting to get stuck into Cam “The Big Ship” Green from the get-go, he merely gave the young all-rounder his first Test wicket. From his first delivery of the series. Everything Australia wanted to go right was going right.

Starc needed a good start. Got one. Carey, on debut as gloveman, wearing a baggy green cap presented to him by the great Adam Gilchrist, was so polished you barely knew he was there. Three catches and barely a hair out of place. And Cummins had a dream start as captain. Clark Kent couldn’t have done it in more decent fashion.

I read this description of Kent on Wednesday: “Being very close to both of his parents, Clark was respectful, obedient, and highly valued their approval. Raised with a strong moral background, he does not like invasions of privacy, thinks the bad guys should be punished and wants everything to be fair.” Sounds like Cummins.

There’s a certain goodness to him. He picked the perfect toss to lose, for he too would have batted, then pocketed five wickets. Cummins was the first Test captain to take five-for on debut since George Giffen all the way back in the 90s. The 1890s. Perhaps those who doubted him were those who didn’t know him. He looked a very chipper skipper.