Ashes 2023: Puce-faced MCC snobs should learn their own laws

England batsman Jonny Bairstow speaks to the Australia fielders after being given out during the 5th day of Ashes Test Match at Lord's Cricket Ground.

Let’s get this out of the way first. Cricket has some vague statutes. Law 20.1.2 is not one of them. Indeed, it could hardly be more explicit: “The ball shall be considered to be dead when it is clear to the bowler’s end umpire that the fielding side and both batters at the wicket have ceased to regard it as in play.”

So dead ball reflects a view unanimous among players that conveys itself to the umpire. And, errr, that’s it. Jonny Bairstow’s view yesterday that he was temporarily invulnerable to dismissal was clearly not shared, by his opponents, or the umpires. No, he was not taking a run. That is why he was stumped. I’m glad we had this little chat.

Bairstow wandered off as though unable to credit that the world, so abundant in glad Bazball vibes, could contain such traps and snares. But if his dismissal cost England this Second Test, then what’s to blame was his naïveté rather than Alex Carey’s alertness.

England batsman Jonny Bairstow looks on as Australia fielders celebrate after being given run out.

It didn’t anyway. Because the stumping of Bairstow should no more overshadow an epic day’s cricket than Nathan Lyon’s fumble or Joel Wilson’s decision should sour or taint the last afternoon at Headingley in 2019.

This was the Test match day in excelsis: lots of runs to chase, lots of time to chase them, the spaciousness of five-day cricket seen to the best possible advantage. Nobody explored its bounteous possibilities more splendidly than Ben Stokes, a cricketer it feels an honour to write about.

The scenario before him was different to Headingley 2019, and perhaps even more complex. Stokes had no choice but to hazard everything four years ago; here, with more runs to get and more wickets available he had to temper his approach.

Stokes did not always get this balance right: there was one comic moment during their partnership where Stuart Broad guided to deep backward point and made it almost all the way to the opposite end, only to have to backtrack because his captain had not budged.

But when Stokes summed up the St John’s Wood Road side of the ground, to which he struck all nine of his sixes, whether the boundary was short, long, medium or otherwise was irrelevant: no ground in the world would have been big enough to contain him. Father Time has seen it all, but would have been pardoned dropping his bail and laying down his scythe to watch.

Jonny Bairstow of England is run out by Alex Carey of Australia during day five.

The day had begun in a low key: no gimmicks, no gimmes, proper batting, committed bowling. Having fought his way back into the game, Mitchell Starc was fast and full, threatening the stumps, the pads and the boots - only an inside edge saved Stokes from the consequences of a yorker.

Ben Duckett, whose laconic manner is a pleasing contrast to the quirks and quiddities of Rory Burns, further enhanced his reputation. He seems to pocket his runs. His most distinctive shot is a minimalist paddle hook, like someone brushing lint off their pants or sweeping dust into a corner.

When Hazlewood succeeded Starc, without a slip and four men on the fence, Duckett still pulled for four, and allowed the next one, slightly shorter, free passage as a wide. The bowler walked back, elbows out, with that slightly stroppy air of his: after an hour, the Australians were starting to sweat. They were relieved when Hazlewood got his length and height right a few overs later, and Duckett edged a hook behind.

While Bairstow was in, Stokes continued abjuring shots he could not keep on the ground; with Bairstow’s departure, he kicked out the last of the jams. Broad was brave, stalwart, shrewd. Cummins was, for a time, perplexed, as reflected in his concertina fields, coming in for Broad and out for Stokes - they were a little too reminiscent of the allowances he offered Ajinkya Rahane during the World Test Championship final in order to get at Shardul Thakur.

The Australians, however, showed the benefit of their experience at Headingley. Their policy of playing slower and aiming wider did, just, prevent Stokes capering away with the game, and eventually persuaded him to depart his plan: hitting towards the Grand Stand, he top edged Hazlewood. The culpable shot Ollie Robinson then played deserved greater execration than Carey.

Because let’s be frank: it was not a day since every other English supporter had found themselves arguing for the letter of the law in the instance of Starc’s catch-that-wasn’t. Rightly so. This is a Test match. Laws apply with greater force in a skirmish between nations about a border and a dispute between neighbours over a fence.

The booing, as is most booing, was mainly harmless, carrying on as it did long past the point anyone could remember what they were booing, and becoming chiefly about companionship.

The parrot cry of ‘same old Aussies, always cheating’ also invites the question of from whom they might have learned it. After all, you can trace the line of Ashes tit-for-tat back to the Oval in 1882 when, coincidentally, WG Grace ran out the Australian Sammy Jones for wandering out of his crease under a misapprehension the ball was dead. “I taught the lad a lesson,” Grace is reputed to have said afterwards; just so.

But the jostling of players in the members? Really? By virtue of the antiquity of the Long Room, and the assumption that people-like-us know how to behave, Lord’s retains the privilege of unusual proximity to the players - the frisson from hearing a player’s spikes on the hardwood floor is one of cricket’s glories.

They will not have it long, however, if blimps and prigs want to vent fury on their visitors because they are unaware of the laws that … checks notes …. their own club sets for the world. And what could be a worse look in the week of the Equity in Cricket report than puce-faced, dim-bulb snobs picking fights with a placid, softly-spoken Muslim player? Chaps, pull yourselves together.

You’re actually cheating Stokes of some of his glory.