Ashes 2021-22: England’s funeral is Australia’s carnival

England’s feeble Ashes campaign hit disastrous new depths following a mesmerising spell from debutant Scott Boland.

Scott Boland celebrates after dismissing Joe Root of England to a catch by David Warner at first slip Picture: Getty Images

Australia secured the 2021-22 Ashes before noon of the first session, day three, at the MCG.

England, done by an innings, are done, but cricket is not finished with them yet.

Somehow they must dust themselves off, wave away the halo of hungry flies and attempt to remain upright for two more Test matches. Only a flesh wound and all that.

Weekend at Bernies comes to mind.

Commentators are confidently asserting that, while they have witnessed whitewashes and many a disastrous capitulation, they have rarely seen such a feeble effort.

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The Australians, by contrast, are living in a dream world where all is wine, roses and birdsong. The top five and the new wicketkeeper have all scored half-centuries, the all-rounder at No.6 has a 33no and seven wickets at an average of 11 with the ball. The rota of fast bowlers has proved equally successful. And then there’s the spinner whose already got 11 wickets at an average of 21.

Scott Boland might have thought the best moment of his life came when he was told he would debut on Christmas Eve, or when he took his first wicket on Boxing Day, but he could never have anticipated the excitement of the four overs he bowled in the second innings.

Boland’s 6-7 from 24 deliveries brought the house down and earned him – only the second Indigenous man to play the game for Australia – the Mullagh medal for man of the match.

It doesn’t guarantee him a place for the Sydney Test, but this was a performance of historical significance.

Boland only played this game because Josh Hazlewood was injured, Jhye Richardson was sore and James Pattinson had retired before the start of the summer (and let’s not forget Michael Neser’s handy cameo appearance in Adelaide).

Few things illustrate the difference between the two sides so well, but the distressing part for England is that bowling is not their biggest headache.

It is hard to find acceptable adjectives for their batting.

Rarely has a team been so demoralised so early in a series. Unfortunately, however, what has been on display in the 12 days of this series is confirmation of a depressing pattern of play through 2021.

Behold a side which has passed 200 only 14 times in 29 Test innings.

Consider a batting line up where one man has averaged more than 28 over the past 16 Tests.

Boland’s last wicket, Ollie Robinson, marked the team’s 54th duck of the calendar year and equalled the record set by England in 1998.

Australia’s 264 at the MCG is the lowest total for a team that went on to win by an innings in 75 years.

England’s last rites were administered inside 28 overs on Tuesday, the game in 180.

This is abject stuff.

Joe Root cannot continue beyond this series as captain nor Chris Silverwood as coach. That pair, however, are only the public face of what is systemic failure. Root, who has an extraordinary personal year, has carried the batting. On the second day the old man Jimmy Anderson did his best to breathe some life back into the series with his bowling, but few others have stood by them in the battle.

England’s funeral is Australia’s carnival.

How much fun would it have been to be Boland these last two and a bit days? Brought into the squad between matches squeezed into the side when Richardson carried a sore leg from his last outing.

The sonic blast sparked by each of Boland’s seven wickets alarmed nesting birds and lifted the red tiles on the rooves of surrounding suburbs. Victorians, who have been deprived of their football for the best part of two years, love live sport and crave more local participation in the Test team, when one of theirs does that on debut their enthusiasm knows no bounds.

His presence in this match is a tribute to George Bailey’s selection panel.

Mitchell Starc congratulates Scott Boland after the debutant’s man of the match performance. Starc was later hailed by skipper Pat Cummins as an all-time great Picture: Getty Images

Boland is an MCG specialist, he has learned its secrets, he knows which floorboards creak and which springs in the couch are broken, he has wobbled and wiggled out 37 first-class wickets at an average of 13 in the five previous matches on this wicket.

Until this game Boland has performed his quiet magic in front of crowds in name only. To do it front of tens of thousands of fans deliriously urging and celebrating every wicket must have been some experience.

The crowd, as they had in the incredible last hour of play on day two, responded as if it was the grand final they’ve been denied.

Boland got the lollies, but Mitchell Starc was selected for additional praise from his beaming skipper, Patrick Cummins.

The left arm bowler was under pressure coming into this series after a poor summer in 2020-21 and was not expected to play all Tests.

To this point he is the only fast bowler to play the first three and he has been brilliant in every one.

Starc is the series leading wicket taker with 14 at an average of 20. He set the tone with a wicket on the first ball of proceedings in Brisbane and has continued relentless, malevolently since.

He is a man in control of his universe and one at the peak of his powers.

“He‘s been just about the player of the series so far,” Cummins said after the match. “Just fantastic.

“We saw last week in Adelaide, how he lifted and led the attack. I actually think this summer he has gone to a new level. He’s experienced, he’s played 70-odd Test matches, but I think he’s just found another gear with the ball that’s not swinging he is taking wickets consistently beating the outside edge consistently. He’s been Titanic for us. Yeah, so really happy with him.

“At the start of the summer we spoke about how there is external pressure, but absolutely zero internal pressure. We know what a superstar is.

“He’ll go down as one of the all-time great Aussie bowlers. We’ve got to remember that sometimes. He’s got a strike right under 50. He’s taken 250-odd wickets. He’s shown his class on all conditions. As a captain, I just feel so lucky to have got someone like him in my team. He’s a left-armer, you know you’re going to give him the ball and it’s just going to create something. So couldn’t be happier for him. Just a brilliant three Test matches so far.”