Unwanted record: AFL’s biggest loser Kade Simpson is anything but
Carlton’s Kade Simpson has entered the AFL record books for the most losses in the history of the code.
This is the dumbest record in sport. The most meaningless. The most disrespectful. The most misleading. It’s the record for the most losses by an AFL player, and it’s dumber than the door knob on the entry to the Carlton locker room because you only become eligible for the simpleton of statistics by ploughing through so many games, through thick and mainly thin, that your longevity and loyalty are triumphs in themselves.
Kade Simpson walked off Marvel Stadium on Thursday night in joint possession of a milestone that sounds like a millstone when it’s left to lazy headline writers – a bit of click-bait, mate – and the pot-stirrers on Twitter.
Yes, Carlton’s 18-point defeat to St Kilda was the 208th time that Simpson had gone home without clearing his throat to warble the team song. Yes, that’s a heck of a lot of defeats. But give the bloke a break. Read the fine print. The 330 appearances for the Blues since 2002. The third most jersey’d player in the history of that famous club.
He deserves nothing but rapturous applause for being a dedicated foot soldier during the glamour club’s darkest days.
The problem with the dumbest record in sport is that everyone starts calling you the AFL’s biggest loser. If I read it once on Friday, I read it 208 times.
Come off it. The AFL’s biggest loser this week has been Collingwood for its handling of Steele Sidebottom’s drunkenness and breaching of COVID-19 protocols. President Eddie McGuire shrugged it off by saying Sidebottom had done what we’ve all done once or twice in our lives: crashing on the lounge with a skin full of liquor, getting up to go to the dunny, walking through the wrong door, oops, ending up semi-naked out on the street and then in the back of a police van, hollering, where’s the loo?! Who hasn’t done all that, eh? Well, plenty of us.
That’s a heck of a wrong door to go through. I don’t know one person among my party animal mates who has done it. I don’t even think Ed Helms has done it in The Hangover.
The player has come undone by consuming too much piss; he may well have been sozzled enough to answer to the name of Side Steelebottom. But McGuire has been guilty of taking just as much.
Simpson will have the most AFL losses all to himself, sooner or later, perhaps next week when the Blues face Western Bulldogs. He should pay it no mind.
His equivalent in the NRL ain’t no loser: the ex-Origin captain and Test prop Paul Gallen, the behemoth of a ball hog who led Cronulla to its historic first premiership. He’s been an out-and-out winner even if he’s had the most losses. Longevity is a badge of honour. Jack Nicklaus has won the most golf majors: 18. But he’s lost the most, too, 146 of the bludgers. He’s hardly golf’s biggest loser.
Kevin “Bulldog” Murray was a Fitzroy legend in his 18-year, 333-game career from 1955 to 1974, but since his retirement 46 years ago, he’s had the most losses milestone/millstone to himself. It means nothing other than Simpson being with the Blues through the glamour club’s darkest days, lowlighted by their five wooden spoons during his marathon stint. Only six finals appearances, just two wins.
He’s played 158 straight games between 2005 and 2012. There’s something to hang his hat on. His losing percentage has been at 63 per cent, and 122 wins aren’t many over nearly two decades, but that’s all right.
Not everyone in footy is the NRL’s Cam Smith.
The Melbourne Storm captain walked off Suncorp Stadium after the two-point win over the Sydney Roosters – match of the round! Match of the year! Match of the century! – at about the same time as Simpson was departing Marvel Stadium.
That match has shown the NRL in all its grunting, turbocharged, demolition-derby glory. Runaway trucks up the middle. Ferraris on the wings. Motorbikes around the ruck. It’s been a hell of a spectacle and, at the end of it, Smith has done what he normally does. He’s found a way to win. Statistically, he is everything Simpson is not.
Smith joined the Storm the year Simpson joined the Blues. Four-hundred-and-twenty-two games later, he’s set a record for setting the most records, winning everything there is to win, dominating Origin, leading the Kangaroos, picking up an Member of the Order of Australia (AM) from Her Majesty for his services to rugby league. Simpson has been as much of a servant but without the accolades or the highlights reel.
It was the 299th win over Smith’s NRL career; in either code, only Hawthorn great Michael Tuck (302) has tasted sweet success more often. Smith will eclipse Tuck; he eclipses everything and everyone, Father Time included.
It will be a sad day for the code when the 37-year-old hangs up his boots, and puts his whistle in his pocket, to retire.
Hopefully this year ain’t his last. He’s the first NRL player to 400 appearances. He’ll be the first to 300 wins. He’s the Star Trek of the NRL, boldly going where no man has gone before.
“All I wanted to do was get my hands on the footy,” he said with the relish of a rookie, saying it for the millionth time in his jaw-dropping, unparalleled career, sounding like a broken record.
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