Our treatment is like the Handmaid’s Tale, say wives and partners

The AFL has an opportunity to be more inclusive of women and families – to strengthen their workplace – say a number of prolific partners. While a leading workplace gender equality expert say the “win at all costs” culture has to go.

Felicity Harley says it’s time for a conversation on the role of women in the AFL

The partner of a former player, who has been part of the AFL-system for most of her life, has likened the game’s treatment of her and fellow wives to that of The Handmaid’s Tale.

“The AFL at times expects us to remain in the background, we are like the handmaids — you know The Handmaid’s Tale,” said one wife, referencing the dystopian TV drama where women solely serve the state. “We are expected to turn up to serve … and remain quiet.”

The way the game treats the partners of footballers has become a burning issue for the AFL.

In recent weeks, Brooke Cotchin, wife of Richmond captain Trent, admitted she had suicidal thoughts in the hub last year while a furore erupted over St Kilda players Seb Ross and Tim Membrey leaving a “mini hub” and choosing their family over a football game.

Three weeks ago the AFL gave players and staff just hours’ notice to escape Sydney’s Covid outbreak – and in that initial decision no one had factored women and children into the equation.

“They are only now having the conversation about us and how we figure in all this,” said one wife.

The Australian has spoken to several NSW-based partners who are at “breaking point”.

A wife of a NSW club employee says it was just seconds after her husband left suddenly — to save the AFL competition — that all hell broke loose in her house.

There was her child who screamed for her father hysterically for two and half hours after he dashed from the house for the sake of football. Now her toddler wakes nightly calling out: “Why has daddy left us?” She said her club had been wholly supportive, but she still has been “a mess”, wondering when her partner will come home.

“It’s always football first, then family — whether you are a player or a coach — and it always has been,” says the woman. “It should be family first.”

Some players and coaches are considering returning to Sydney. While the women have been given UberEats vouchers, the club welfare person checks in on them, counselling via the AFLPA is offered (but only after they made inquiries) and, two wives pointed out, there has been no public thanks from the AFL.

Many are now considering whether they will head to Victoria — to quarantine for two weeks — some with little children and babies.

“My mental health has not been good, my anxiety is through the roof, this puts a strain on your marriage,” one NSW club wife said.

“There should have been a plan for us — but no, it was ‘just get the boys out of the state’. That’s all that matters; the footy game. And it shows how little regard there is for women in the sport. We have jobs and careers too — and there has been zero consideration for that.

“The only time the women are wheeled out is for the Brownlow, for the red carpet … that is the only time we are visible as women.”

The situation of NSW AFL clubs’ families has again shone a light on how little — if at all — women’s voices are consulted in the AFL industry.

Felicity Harley, an author, commentator and editor for News Corp, who is married to the Swans CEO Tom, when contacted by The Australian said it is time for a conversation on the greater role women can play at the game to ensure a stronger workplace for the code as a whole.

“The truth is, the wives and partners love football and being involved in the game, but this often comes at a sacrifice of the family and women’s mental wellbeing,” Harley said. “Of course, this has been exacerbated during Covid, but the ongoing ‘competition at all cost’ mentality highlights that families and the women behind-the-scenes are an afterthought.

“They’re not valued for what they contribute on the home front to keep the game alive, or that they might also have jobs, careers or other commitments.

“There are many, dare I say, modern men working in AFL who also feel the strain that they can’t be the type of father they hope to be because of the 24/7 requirements of the job. Football and family can coexist and to make this happen there needs to be more women at the table — women’s voices in the conversations around fixtures and games, player welfare because at the moment there seems to be none.”

Harley’s experience of this latest lockdown situation — she has three children — hasn’t been easy and from this negative experience she hopes to bring another layer into the conversation around gender inequality in the AFL.

Mardi Dangerfield, an occupational therapist, co-host of The Significant Others podcast whose partner Patrick plays for Geelong, said the AFL had an opportunity to learn from the 2020 season.

“In response to your questions the league can learn a lot from last year and the women connected to their game,” Dangerfield told The Australian. “However, I am surprised that there was no feedback sought regarding the AFL hubs from 2020 as to how these situations impacted families and partners.”

“The expectations on players and staff were well and truly beyond anything anyone could have prepared for. We find two teams and their families currently looking at extended periods apart right now and we’re no better at supporting them than last year.”

“It needs to be highlighted further that we’re not just talking about highly paid, high-profile players and their partners and families but the extended playing list, coaches, medical staff and administrators that are also feeling the long-term stress of the industry during the pandemic but realistically beforehand as well.”

Hester Brown, husband of Melbourne player Ben and an Our Watch ambassador who hosts the podcast with Dangerfield, said it was vital that all members of the football club are equally considered.

“The AFL and Sydney-based clubs have an opportunity now to look after staff and players in a way that recognises not just the potential harm to children and the immense strain on partners and their employment, but also understands the needs of those working hard to keep the season going — their essential staff and players,” Brown said. “Staff families should be given equal consideration and support in keeping their families together and being supported by the league.”

Prue Gilbert, chief executive of the workplace gender equality consultancy Grace Papers, said she was concerned by the current situation being endured by the Swans and Giants players.

“When your family is in distress, it compromises work, it compromises performance first and foremost,” Gilbert said. “In the corporate world, many organisations have seen an increase in engagement and trust because they’ve put care at the heart of their responses, and it’s shown that when they do, employees thrive.”

“The AFL’s management of players ought to also prioritise care and they’ve had ample opportunity to ensure such contingency planning is in place now.”

It’s no secret that families were shattered after the stress of the 2020 season. Gilbert said the AFL hub situation clearly had disastrous personal consequences.

“I think it would be fair to say that the hub model for families who were separated, didn‘t work, and caused distress and obviously breakdowns for too many families involved, and why should they have to sacrifice that much for a game of football?” Gilbert said.

“That says we’ve got a win at all costs culture, that prioritises TV rights and sponsors over family. I’d say it’s fairly inconsistent with the way some of the sponsors have managed their own employees.”

“I think everybody was grateful that the AFL continued to play last year … it was certainly was a light in some dark weeks, but it shouldn‘t come at the cost of family distress or destruction.”

One wife, who’s husband has played at two AFL clubs, said the way infidelity is overlooked or excused in the code is a major cause for concern. It needs to be addressed.

“The way infidelity is tolerated in the AFL — it is misogynistic,” she said. “(Name deleted) was part of this three-headed monster and has since been celebrated. No one has called out the infidelity. He should have got the sack.”

Many of the wives and partners who spoke to The Australian said they would not go on the public record for fear of retribution by the league.

Gilbert said the fact women don’t feel they can speak out is problematic.

“Women should absolutely have a voice in the freedom agency to speak their mind and their truth, and for as long as we’re silencing the partners, partners of players, we’ve got no hope of hearing women’s voice or seeing any cultural change through the league,” she said.

One woman who was allegedly told to stay quiet last year while a scandal blazed around her was Brooke Cotchin. She had unknowingly broke the Queensland hub rules. She visited a salon for a facial and made that mistake public when she posted it to Instagram. (It was time out from being cooped up with a teething baby and homeschooling two kids from her hotel room in the hub).

It was called out. Trolls ensued and she was blasted in the media.

“I kept saying to Trent, the only reason — it sounds extreme — but the only reason I didn’t kill myself was because of my kids,’’ Cotchin told the Curious Conversations podcast last month.

But the most telling words didn’t come from Brooke during the saga last year, but from her dad Rick Kennedy, who took aim at the AFL and the league over the way his daughter was treated. He said his daughter was “muzzled”.

“I think the AFL and Richmond handled it really poorly,” Kennedy said on Triple M in July 2020. “They talk today a big game about supporting women, coming in behind women and promoting women. What they really did is shut her down and didn’t allow her to go public and take responsibility.”

The Australian has obtained a copy of a memo issued last year via email to partners discouraging “posting anything on social media, or make any comment via any form of external media, that reflects negatively on the AFL, any AFL Club, the Transitional Hub environment or any State Government”.

“It felt like we had a gag order,” said one wife. “It was strongly encouraged not to put in on social media and not talk to the media, and those that did were crucified.”

“Looking back it was quite shocking the narrative that occurred around women — stories were leaked framing us as sunbaking, entitled women when that could not have been further from the truth. There weren’t stories around the fact women had left their homes, their jobs in the name of football. I mean there was a mum of four kids who was trying to teach online. No one wrote about that. No one wrote that there were female officials, staffers who all got along and how we found it empowering.”

The crux of the issue: “It was very evident there were no females sitting around a table making decisions when it came to women and families.”

As for the way that footballers’ partners have been “framed” by the media — Brown said it was time the AFL offered them more protection.

“There is also a significant role to play in protecting and defending partners from undue media scrutiny,” Brown said. “The media for a long time has been more than complicit in portraying women in football — particularly partners — as more of a distraction than an asset. It would be extremely powerful to see clubs and the AFL take a strong line on this — not just listening and learning from the women around them who, as it so happens, have many years of football experience between them, but encouraging their opinions, participations and making sure they are not used as ‘easy targets’ for media beat ups.”

The AFL has appointed Rhonda Brighton-Hall to examine equal-opportunity policies, workplace training to counter discrimination and harassment and the complaints-handling process at the game’s head office.

As one woman said, when the AFL commits themselves fully to a cause they can have an amazing impact.

“If they apply that to gender equality, then we are going to be in a really great place,” she said.