World-class crier

AS the residents of flood-ravaged Toowoomba work to rebuild their homes, infrastructure and spirit, they should take some comfort in knowing they have possibly the best town crier in the country.

When Julia Gillard visited the garden city west of Brisbane yesterday for Australia Day celebrations, Ralph Cockle - with kilt and bell - cried out in his best ye olde English. The PM was impressed. "Can I say what an amazing job done by your local town crier, Ralph," Gillard told the crowd. "I've had the opportunity to already be at some Australia Day celebrations today, and I haven't met a town crier quite like Ralph. So well done to Ralph!" Strewth's correspondents in the field said the crowd puffed up their chests and applauded wildly at the PM's imprimatur. Further investigations reveal Cockle the town crier is already quite the hero in his home town and regularly features in the local press. Last year he successfully battled renal cancer and The Chronicle newspaper celebrated with the headline: "Town Crier Loses Kidney, Not Voice." Strewth's correspondents also had high praise for Cockle and said they would like to give him their "special thanks for directing us where to park our car".

Un-Australian Day

JOURNALISTS searching for stories on Australia Day can always rely on the old chestnut of the flag debate, in which representatives of the Republican movement are quote ready. But there's a new ready-made story on the block, with canny media advisers using the national day as a chance to point out the "un-Australian" behaviour of certain companies and people in our midst. NSW Minister for Primary Industries Steve Whan used Australia Day to instil a sense of guilt in dodgy food retailers: "Labelling imported food as Australian is up there with one of the most un-Australian things you can do." Australian Dairy Farmers declared supermarket giants Coles and Woolworths "un-Australian" for slashing the retail price of milk, saying "this announcement on Australia Day is cruel and insensitive". The term "un-Australian" was also aimed at a council that produced a cheap fireworks display, the Hills Hoist factory at Wollongong south of Sydney, which sacked 16 workers this week, and Julian Assange for being a "dobber". Zoo Weekly magazine crowned Assange their "Un-Australian of the Year" with the following explanation: "Dress it up any way you like but the WikiLeaks founder broke that famous rule, 'What goes in the memo stays in the memo'," the magazine wrote. "Don't expect any buck's night invites anytime soon, Jules."

Happy summertime

MEANWHILE online search engine Google, perhaps worried about cultural sensitivities and the notion of "Invasion Day", conspicuously avoided referring to Australia Day in its home page artwork yesterday. The illustration of the day featured a pair of thongs, a beach ball, sunglasses and an icy-pole carefully arranged to spell Google, but there was no sign of the flag and the artwork was blandly titled "Australian Summer".

When sex goes bad

HE'S a reformed sex addict who is hoping to seize power from Clover Moore in the upcoming NSW election, but Peter Madden has shown he still likes to live dangerously. The Christian Democrats candidate for the seat of Sydney launched his political career this week by opening up to the media about his addiction to pornography and prostitutes while working as a pastor in the 1980s and 90s. Now that those wild days are behind him, Madden is running a campaign against "out of control prostitution" and "teenage binge drinking" in Kings Cross, while also hoping to put an end to the annual Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras, now in its 33rd year. In a five-point post on his website Madden somehow manages to connect the "sexual depravity" of the Mardi Gras celebration to high teenage pregnancy rates in Australia. Considering his open disgust for the "sexual immorality" of the gay parade, Strewth was surprised to see a semi-trailer, emblazoned with Madden's portrait and party logo, cruising down Oxford Street in Darlinghurst, looking just as colourful and provocative as the floats that drive down the same street during Mardi Gras. Surprisingly, no eggs were thrown at the vehicle.

Hilary is way wrong

AS Barack Obama bemoaned the poor quality of US maths and science education in his State of the Union address yesterday, American tweeters were demonstrating their inability to spell: "Hilary Clinton" became a trending topic on Twitter as users discussed the Secretary of State's latest hairdo. The only problem there is that the former president's wife spells her name Hillary.

Mugabe lives!

THERE'S a theory called "rumour transmission", which is based on the idea that rumours spread faster when people want them to be true. Strewth wonders if that theory applies to rumours about Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe, 86, suffering a "grave illness". Yesterday Mugabe emerged to say that such "widespread rumours" were "naked lies" and he was simply on holiday in Singapore.

Jodie Minus