Tuckey-free zone

BACK in our federal parliament's pre-hung days, there was some amusement to be had from the Liberal Party's decision to give its ousted leader Malcolm Turnbull a pew in the blast zone of heckle-happy Wilson Tuckey.

BACK in our federal parliament's pre-hung days, there was some amusement to be had from the Liberal Party's decision to give its ousted leader Malcolm Turnbull a pew in the blast zone of heckle-happy Wilson Tuckey.

The first time we witnessed this bewitchingly brutal spectacle in the flesh, we likened Tuckey's interjections to a never-ending procession of rusty DC3s roaring low over Turnbull's head. Now the DC3s, thanks to the the voters of O'Connor, have been consigned to mothballs. We asked the Earl of Wentworth (now with added swing!) whether he would miss the aural carpet-bombing from Tuckey at point-blank range. Here is Turnbull's reply in full: "His contributions have always been sweet music to my ears." Sadly, we couldn't see Turnbull's face at the time, so we cannot report whether or not it was straight. That said, we have 10 bucks that says Turnbull won't be doing what he did for Kevin Rudd and writing an article urging, "Someone give this poor bastard a hug." Though we could be wrong.

Bitar reaction

IN NSW, where the state Labor government has opted to raise public confidence from the crevasse into which it appears to have fallen by turning to children's books for salvation ("Thomas the Tank Engine helps spread rail safety message"), former premier Morris Iemma has been taking a dump over the architects of federal Labor's campaign. So in the same spirit of confidence-raising (or is that razing?), ALP national secretary Karl Bitar has decided the best place to sort this out is on Twitter: "Iemma's attacks on me have nothing 2 do with the fed campaign and r all about his attempts to privatise electricity in NSW in 2008." Federal campaign version 2.0 promises to be another ripper, then.

Mike's unseen bike

HAS South Australian Premier Mike Rann been inspired by ironman and serial pedal-pumper Tony "Three-minute man" Abbott? Or is he, as seems more likely, simply inspired by his bromantic interest Lance Armstrong as he records for posterity his return from a 90-minute bike ride? "All Lycra'd up like a giant bumblebee. Thank God no media around." Now there's a first: Media Mike welcoming a lack of attention. Though he should be careful, as the no-attention strategy appears to be working a little too well, going by this line in Sunday's The Sun-Herald about the ALP wake at the Melbourne Convention Centre: "Reeling rather than revelling, the guest list included Victorian Premier John Brumby, South Australian Premier Steve Bracks . . ." Ahem. Perhaps it's something in the air about SA at the moment. Here's The Advertiser in action yesterday: "ALP HOLD: Rowan Ramsey holds the seat comfortably for Labor . . . Grey is one of the biggest electorates in Australia and benefited from strong Labor support in the blue-collar towns of Port Augusta, Port Pirie and Whyalla." All in all, it will have perhaps caused the Weet-Bix to travel down the wrong hole in the Ramsey household; he's a Liberal and has held the seat since 2007.

Facing the future

AUSTRALIAN Workers Union national secretary, Julia Gillard-backer and celebrated faceless man Paul Howes tweeted this yesterday: "New birthday wish list: Labor government and for me: a face." If his wish isn't granted, what's a faceless man with one of the nation's better known faces to do? Just to be on the safe side, Howes tells Strewth: "I think I should be pixellated on all future TV appearances."

Off their game

WE spent yesterday fretting about who'd abducted Barnaby Joyce and left behind that unconvincing doppelganger who sounded so flat on the wireless, his interviewer, Jon Faine, was moved to observe, "You sound a bit disconsolate." Bob Ellis, meanwhile, was having darker visions and/or purging something from his psyche on ABC website The Drum: a "discussion" between Julia Gillard and her secret master, Vladmir Putin, about their sinister plan to destroy the ALP. In it, the Russian PM concludes Gillard "is our most valuable acquisition since Rupert Murdoch. With her on our side, ve can regain the vorld." Which leaves us with the big question: why does your Putin have a German accent? Hmm? Really, Bob, we expected better.

US-Israeli option

WE now turn to Sydney reader David Gerber, who sees a way out of the electoral quagmire: "I propose an Israeli solution, with an American twist. The Israeli part: they announce a government of national unity, so Abbott and Gillard both take a turn as PM, 1.5 years each. Now for the American twist: both of them have to live together in the Lodge for the three years. It's turned into a reality TV show and broadcast nightly, until the electorate wants to collectively gouge its own eyes out. But with the country split down the middle, the show should rate its arse off, especially if the producers stipulate that the stars do a kitchen cook-off each evening. Finally, if either one or the other manages to kill the other, then the one left alive remains PM." Shows promise, though it could do with some Tony "Two cancers down" Windsor.