Touch of vapours

JULIA Gillard's plan to get us all "moving forward" appeared first as an insignificant speck in the distance, only to swiftly take on terrifying and unexpected proportions.

SOMEWHAT like the Death Star, Julia Gillard's plan to get us all "moving forward" appeared first as an insignificant speck in the distance, only to swiftly take on terrifying and unexpected proportions.

But while the Death Star vaporised planets, the equally relentless "moving forward" -- or MoFo, as the young folk on the internet prefer to call it -- operates on a more modest scale, moving through mental space and vaporising brain cells and, in the case of Strewth, our will to live. Even Laurie Oakes -- that immovable, almost topographical feature of Australian political journalism -- appears to have been driven to the cusp of insanity by it; what was his weekend interview with Wayne Swan if not a cry for help? So, is Gillard discovering her merciful streak? In an interview with north Queensland's 4QN ABC, the PM showed us a brave new world without moving forward. The closest she came was this: "So we'll allow the local decision-making to take place, and then people to come forward with the plans that they would make for their local community."

Abetz refudiated

NOW that Sarah "Refudiate" Palin has anointed herself the new Shakespeare (we can just picture it: "To see or not to see Russia from Alaska, that is the question"), we thought we'd follow her neologising lead. And in honour of Eric "the tweaker" Abetz, we shall start at the beginning of the alphabet with our first new phrase: to aid and Abetz. Definition: when a political accomplice tries to help out but buggers up everything at the start of the campaign instead.

Snuff this phrase too

LIKE nature, Tony "no guarantees" Abbott clearly abhors a vacuum and with his once beloved "great big new tax" now little more than a fondly remembered relic, he's filling the void with the catchphrase equivalent of a snuff movie: "dead, buried, cremated". Not least yesterday during an interview on 3AW with Neil Mitchell, where the Iron Monk went off like an accidental blaze in a fireworks factory, blasting out the DBC phrase six times in a few seconds. Apart from the effect the repetition has, it's worth pondering the order. Dead, then buried; well, that's the way it should be. But buried, then cremated? Has Abbott found a new and refreshingly Australian way to dispatch our dear departed, namely cooking them underground like damper? Or is he channelling Malcolm Turnbull and embracing subterranean cremation as a way of reducing carbon emissions? After all, on a day when Abbott publicly praised the Earl of Wentworth's courage and Peter Costello resumed his natural role in the Liberal Party, namely warm-up act, anything seemed possible.

Mr Octo-squiggle

IF Tony Abbott meant to bring clarity with the DBC "contract" he signed for Neil Mitchell, it was a case of mission not really accomplished. We gather the exotic squiggles across the piece of paper are meant to say "Work Choices dead, buried, cremated", but at first glance, it looks like a note dashed off in Arabic. Or perhaps the last will and testament of Paul, the World Cup octopus, scrawled in his own ink after being bludgeoned by irate German soccer fans. The closest anyone got to an English interpretation was The Chaser's Chas Licciardello, who deciphered Abbott's hieroglyphics as, "Wal clown Deal even crunder". When it was all over, Mitchell was understandably discombobulated, if his subsequent tweet was anything to go by: "We are diligent nut it is tough."

Mover and shaker

ALL that was necessary for full discombobulation was to spend a few seconds studying Kevin Rudd's one public utterance yesterday -- "Back to being a parent today. I drove Marcus to school. A minor miracle that I still know how to drive" -- and realise he was the one pollie who appeared to be communicating in English. And while Rudd conspicuously avoided overt campaign-speak (peace be upon him), he did at least indicate he was engaged in a forward-moving activity, so the PM should be pleased. As an aside, just imagine if Gillard and Sauce Bottle Kev were still united: they could have been the mover and the shaker.

Bang, bang

TO mark the official proroguing of parliament yesterday, Australia's Federation Guard (We have one? The stuff you learn) lined up their artillery pieces to conduct a 19-gun salute outside Parliament House, with resident killjoys ensuring no live ammunition was loaded. Despite the use of a series of big guns to make a lot of noise firing blanks, we're assured no campaign symbolism was intended.

Lead buried

WARNING: this item contains no election content. Instead, it has The Northern Territory News and its contender for Sensitive Lead Paragraph of the Year: "An Irish backpacker drowned in a crocodile-infested billabong in Kakadu National Park on Saturday night -- and he wasn't drunk." As the chirpy note advertising the NT News's revamp declares, "Look who's had a makeover -- new look, same character".