Take it as red

JUST as it is with the bewitching spectacle of deciduous trees surrendering their verdancy to autumn, there's something entrancing about this time of year as the follicles of some of our elected representatives change hue.

JUST as it is with the bewitching spectacle of deciduous trees surrendering their verdancy to autumn, there's something entrancing about this time of year as the follicles of some of our elected representatives change hue.

Deputy Prime Minister and ranga-in-chief Julia Gillard is the most arresting example, her already striking mane turning a shade of red worthy of Mars (the god of war and the planet, but probably not the chocolate). Coincidentally, it's almost exactly the same colour as the chests of amorous male eastern water dragons (Physignathus lesueurii lesueurii). Not to be outdone by this random herpetological coincidence, Kevin Andrews looked resplendent yesterday with what appeared to be a newly chocolatey thatch. Its rich yet gentle tones somehow served to highlight the ferocity of his tirade when the government suspended question time; he seemed all but ready to leap across and start personally headbutting everyone on the government frontbench, and we felt oddly let down when he didn't. While Strewth appreciated Andrews's heartfelt and thunderous mentions of resigned mental health adviser John Mendoza, we found it a mark of Andrews's courage that he was still willing to talk about medical types in public. Did someone say Mohamed Haneef? Oh, we're just hearing things again.

Unheard word

WHEN Tony Abbott revealed on The 7.30 Report that only his scripted remarks ought to be taken as "gospel truth", it was a radical philosophy that affected us more than we realised at the time. Say, for example, when Kevin Rudd launched Lenore Taylor and David Uren's book Shitstorm on Monday (for further product placement opportunities, contact Strewth at the email address below). Given that we've come to regard shitstorm as the PM's special word ever since he gave it such an airing on TV last year, we were curious as to whether he'd repeat it at the launch. And, according to the official transcript from the Prime Minister's office, he did (Strewth, yesterday). Alas, in real life, it appears he did not. Yes, he danced around it amusingly, describing the title as "arresting, memorable and poetic", but he never got around to actually uttering it. So, through the prism of what one might refer to as reality, he did get off scat-free. But for our purposes, we'll stick to the teachings of the Iron Monk: the PM may have gone off the cuff and dodged the word, but according to the script, he said shitstorm. And that's the gospel truth. Sort of.

Tutored by Obama

IF prime ministerial shitstorms aren't quite your cup of tea, however, and you aspire to the wordsmithery of a different sort of leader, say Barack Obama, help is at hand, thanks to the American Chamber of Commerce in Australia, which is generously offering us all the chance to, and we quote, "learn to write like Obama speaks".The tutorial, which is being held on Thursday at Sydney's InterContinental Hotel, is designed to let you "learn how Obama: gets messages across with precision and power, avoiding jargon and unnecessary words; adopts a tone of voice with which his audience can identify; creates documents structured for big-picture impact; uses well-selected details to make his writing more persuasive; avoids over-simplification and conveys complexity without losing clarity; uses devices like metaphor, alliteration and rhythm to give his words lyrical power; uses time-honoured rhetorical devices to drive points home". Sounds jolly tempting, but we're waiting for a class either in writing the way Martin Ferguson talks, or approaching life the Bob Katter way. Or both.

Lemonade, anyone?

INSPIRED as we are by Coles's advertising campaign flogging the ingredients to whatever triumphed on MasterChef the night before, we're hoping the supermarket chain will branch out and, say, start flogging small, yellow citrus fruit with the line, "As seen on the Liberal Party's Kevin O Lemon ad." Either that or the Labor Party can start suggesting Rudd prevents scurvy and goes nicely with Mexican beer. We should stress, however, that these are merely suggestions, not solutions.

Mixed message

SOME stuff only becomes obvious the moment it's stuck under your nose and surrounded by flashing neon. Take, for example, the Closing the Gap initiative that's meant to close the gap between the average life expectancies of Aboriginal and non-Aboriginal Australians (good luck with that). Not for one moment did we suspect there was any peril in the name. Until, that is, The Medical Journal of Australia disabused us of our naivety: "There are well known and beautiful places near and around Alice Springs called 'gaps', where the mountain ranges part to reveal waterholes and jagged red rock facades. These geographical gaps were given names like Heavitree Gap or Emily Gap by Anglo-European explorers. They are important dreaming sites for the local Arrernte people. Heavitree Gap is a place where the local traditional owners would formally welcome and accept visiting people on to their lands. For Arrernte people then, talk of closing 'gaps', may have very different meanings from our own."