Strewth: the miracle of Kev-mas

When you get the Wholly Roamin’ Emperor this close to Christmas, you expect a bit in the miracle department.

The perfect Labor Christmas present? Former Australian prime minister Kevin Rudd (centre) and his wife Therese Rein reunite with Bill Shorten. Picture: AAP

Kevin Rudd may have once again failed to enter the Labor Party national conference by abseiling from a helicopter in a sequined jumpsuit (Strewth, Monday), but enter he did. And when you get the Wholly Roamin’ Emperor this close to Christmas, you are well within your rights to expect a bit in the miracle department. So it came to pass that Rudd approached ALP president (and conference gong master) Wayne Swan and, momentarily closing the gap between them that has filled across the years with enmity and derision and epic sledging, they shook hands. Bill Shorten, who possibly may have had just a little a bit of a hand in the rolling of PM Rudd 1.0, prepared for the bestowing of his lifetime ALP membership in epic terms: “To everything, there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven. And the time for recognition that what unites us is greater than what divides us has come.” (Somehow this works even better if you hear it in the voice of the narrator of Monkey.) Rudd himself promised to be brief, though this proved to be less of a miracle and more a gag at his own expense. Still, all that time on stage did give him time to say a great many words about the media empire to which this august organ belongs. Alas, Rudd neglected to slip in a little thank you for that time said empire supported him in his quest to defeat John Howard, but then he did have a cold. Get well, sir!

Good intention paving

While things were coming together there, they felt like they were moving apart a sliver in the Coalition. Pressed on the topic of “Sugar” Andrew Broad, Deputy Prime Minister Michael McCormack created instant treasure: “I don’t tell the PM everything about every member of parliament. He’s got enough on his mind at the moment and quite frankly I thought it was a matter for Andrew to sort out with his family.” One suspects the words that left Scott Morrison’s mouth at this point were not “fair dinkum”. But as McCormack reminded the gathered hacks, heavy sits the crown: “I’m doing a very difficult job, dealing with this over the last 48 hours with a staff member and then the member of parliament.” The “staff member” is a reference to the bloke in senator Barry O’Sullivan’s office who inflicted upon Annika Smethurst (the national politics editor of News Corp Australia’s Sunday titles and much cherished Strewth chum) a text message that, if we may sugar-coat it a little, was the word equivalent of an asbestos-dusted manure heap. And a final MickMack gem.

Journalist: “Is this further evidence the Coalition has a problem with women?”

McCormack: “No, it’s not. Certainly in the Nationals, both women in my party, Bridget McKenzie and Michelle Landry, are ministers.”

Elsewhere, Agriculture Minister David Littleproud valiantly tried drawing what attention he could to the wonders of the Great Artesian Basin. As one ought.

Steady as she goes

Jobs and Industrial Relations Minister Kelly O’Dwyer also did her level best to keep her eyes on target, beginning her press conference in style: “Christmas has come early today for John Setka and his union boss mates at today’s Labor conference.” But even as the subsequent Q&A section turned to the Broad picture, O’Dwyer kept steady.

Journo: “Shouldn’t your male colleagues be behaving a bit better?”

O’Dwyer: “Well, I’ll let you ask them that question.”

Journo: “But is it disappointing for you to see them behave like that?”

O’Dwyer: “Well, as I said, that is a question better posed to my male colleagues.”

In a few words

It’s nowhere near as brief as the one-word press release Anthony Albanese put out in happy response to news Sydney airport boss Max Moore-Wilton was retiring, but the NSW Labor Party’s response to a raid by the Independent Commission Against Corruption was concise: “NSW Labor is aware of extensive media coverage today of an investigation into historic political donation matters. The donations in question were received in 2015 and have been fully investigated by the NSW Electoral Commission with the full co-operation of NSW Labor, including the provision of all relevant documents.”

Still got the booze

Today’s Christmas cocktail is an adaptation from Strewth readers Peter and Cathy West: “Pour 40ml of good Kentucky bourbon into a crystal whisky glass, add a teaspoon of honey and stir until dissolved, add a slice of lemon, three sprigs of mint and crushed ice. Top up with chilled peach tea. And lo, we call it ‘Summer in Kentucky’.” It’s a name that also could work as a euphemism for sudden political retirement.

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