Strewth: Seeking Susan

The Queensland seat of Longman has been a bit of a memory Bermuda Triangle for Bill Shorten.

The Queensland seat of Longman has been a bit of a memory Bermuda Triangle for Bill Shorten. Not as strikingly as it has for Coalition candidate Trevor Ruthenberg but there have been some fun blips. A few weeks back Shorten tried to say “Susan Lamb” but his mouth let him down: “We’ve got great candidates, uh, Susan Templeman. She’s not running there (in Longman) but she’s also just contacted me and she’s just raised with me the feedback she’s been getting from people about the government’s corporate tax cuts.” Quite a stumble, albeit one leavened by a partial self-save. Yesterday Shorten’s office put out a press release in which it got the right Susan but fumbled the electorate: “SUSAN LAMB LABOR CANDIDATE FOR LONG.” For a brief period, it felt like this was a sly reference to the length of the campaign, which has been considerable; a replacement release a quarter of an hour later put paid to this fantasy. But as he spoke yesterday at the Longman campaign launch*, Shorten finally closed this episode of Desperately Seeking Susan: “Just how good is the Labor candidate for Longman, Susan Lamb.” Name, electorate and party affiliation all up to snuff. Bravo. (*We’re less than a week from the by-election. Our children have grown taller in the time the campaign has been running. But they insist it’s a “launch”. Bless.)

Bill the multitasker

Despite that medal hiccup, Malcolm Turnbull was still out enthusing about Big Trev on the weekend. Big Trev this, Big Trev that — it was quite the paean. But there is no light without darkness, so the Prime Minister spent much of his energy during his press conference with Ruthenberg throwing shade at you know who: “Bill Shorten is a threat to the economy. He is a threat to the safety of our borders. He is a threat to our migration system. He is a threat to every business and family …” When someone in the entertainment industry is described as a triple threat, it means they are admired for talent on multiple levels. By presenting Shorten as a quadruple threat, Turnbull has taken him to the next level. Possibly.

Colonel of truth

During the same press conference, Turnbull also made reference to what at first blush sounded like “Kentucky Fried McDonald’s”. It was all fodder for the broader purpose of sinking the slipper into you know who, but some were more intrigued by this crossover fast food franchise. Colonel Sanders and Ronald McDonald working together? What fresh madness was this? But on closer listening one could hear the subtlest little “n” doing some heavy lifting between the “Kentucky Fried” and “McDonald’s”. Amusingly, the Twitter account of the Prime Minister’s office got a bit cross with at least one journalist who didn’t hear it. No job too big, no job too small for Turnbull! That said, the man himself did remind everyone that he knew when to draw the line.

Journo: “Social media influencers, the Health Minister has all but banned social media influencers from his department. Does the government think social media influencers are useful?”

Turnbull: “I will leave that to the Health Minister. Thanks very much.”

Into the slop

Inspired by an archeological dig elsewhere in the world, former Border Force chief Roman Quaedvlieg hopped online yesterday: “I excavated my Twitter from where it lay buried. I daren’t open this foreboding sarcophagus for fear of unleashing centuries of brooding pestilential rage upon the earth. I summonsed up the courage of Ahmose I and pressed — no scarabs, just skeletal remains in sewage.” Yet on the same day, Twitter delivered this exchange between former Queensland premier Campbell Newman and federal Labor MP Jim Chalmers.

Newman: “Of course @JEChalmers you looked forward to a yarn with @barriecassidy on @InsidersABC this morning. That’s because you got to repeat your usual nonsense about ‘cuts’ without challenge. Under our Govt Qld Health level of service improved dramatically.”

Chalmers: “You are from another planet. Explains why you were so comprehensively rejected by Queenslanders after one term in office.” Not exactly brooding.

On with the snow

Most of the cars left in the overnight carparks at Victoria’s Falls Creek ski resort have a dusting of snow. But one 4WD sits beneath a mighty mound of what looks like at least a month’s worth. One skier has stuck a carrot in the middle. Strewth’s field agent is now hunting around for raisins — or some Matt Canavan-approved coal lumps — to complete the snowman face.

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