Strewth: Mind, how it goes

It is quite possible that the studio of Sky News presenter David Speers is a Bermuda Triangle for brains.

Sky News journalist David Speers. Photo: Sean Davey

It was only a few weeks ago that Strewth hypothesised that the studio of Sky News presenter David Speers is a Bermuda Triangle for brains. Think of all the functioning adults who’ve gone in there — people who normally can be trusted with activities as diverse as handling sharp cutlery, tying their own shoelaces, doing their bit to run the world’s only continent nation — only to take a seat opposite that softly spoken silver fox and lose their minds.

.@ljayes, @Kieran_Gilbert, and @pwafork share their reaction to @David_Speers’ interview with Liberal candidate for Frankston Michael Lamb.

KG: ‘When you go on with David make sure you’re prepared - that’s for sure.’

MORE: https://t.co/vMF1BfEI9c #FirstEdition pic.twitter.com/UlWOSpOs10

— Sky News Australia (@SkyNewsAust) November 21, 2018

It’s hard to pick a favourite. Some days you can feel certain Bill Shorten set the 24-carat gold standard the day he was quizzed about Peter Slipper and the speakership, and delivered this piece of instant immortality: “I understand the prime minister’s addressed this in a press conference in Turkey in the last few hours. I haven’t seen what she said, but let me say I support what it is that she’s said.” Shorten wasn’t feeling stingy that day, either, and added this cherry to the already perfect cake.

Shorten: “I support what our prime minister has said.”

Speers: “But you don’t know what that is.”

Shorten: “I’m sure she’s right.”

At the time one could gaze upon it and feel a tear well up, gripped by a fear nothing so sublime would ever be witnessed again.

But wait, there’s more

It was a completely baseless fear, of course, something that then attorney-general George Brandis — a silkily erudite man in most circumstances — was at pains to prove when he was invited to explain metadata.

Brandis: “The web address, um, is part of the metadata.”

Speers: “The website?”

Brandis: “The well, the web address, the electronic address of the website. What the security agencies want to know, to be retained is the, is the electronic address of the website that the web user is …”

Speers: “So it does tell you the website?”

Brandis: “Well, it, it tells you the address of the website.”

All that was missing was oxygen masks dropping from the ceiling as it all nosedived. Christopher Pyne became the fixer in the same space (though that could be argued as a triumph), and Labor’s erstwhile member for Batman D avid Feeney generally lost his load. And yet they keep coming.

Lamb to the laughter

The latest to venture into the Temple of Mental Doom is Michael Lamb, the Liberal state candidate for the Victorian seat of Frankston. The best that can be said of his Speers encounter this week is that the spirit of John Clarke has again been beautifully honoured. The topic was power stations; a small segment follows:

Lamb: “We’ll tender to the sector, whatever the markets decides, we’ll tender out.”

Speers: “They can do that already, can’t they? The private sector can build a power station if they want?”

Lamb: “Well, they haven’t been allowed to under this government.”

Speers: “Haven’t been allowed to …?”

Lamb: “Build a power station.”

Speers: “There’s all sorts of renewables and wind power, what are you saying?”

Lamb: “Whatever is the most reliable and affordable, the market will determine that.”

Speers: “That’s what I’m saying, the market determines that every day. What will you do differently?”

It stumbles on through deepening confusion — an “I don’t know” from Lamb here, an “I’m confused” from Speers there — spiralling towards the small, soul-collapsing “sorry” from ’twixt Lamb’s lips. As it goes on, it grows ever harder to avoid the suspicion Lamb could have hit the turps, slid into a drunken slumber and belched out a more convincing set of answers. But the poor bugger is wide awake throughout, albeit with the air of a man in a dream, his face aware of what his mouth is saying but utterly helpless to stop it, his eyebrows doomed to go up and down in a sort of morse code distress signal. It’s tempting to go with the old “Lamb to the slaughter” headline but, as the old T-shirt says, you can’t have slaughter without laughter.

Saltiness and battery

Doing his bit to get the Coalition’s newest catchphrase out, Scott Morrison yesterday dismissed Labor’s latest energy statement: “We have gone from pink batts to pink batteries.” Whichever staff member thought that up no doubt has a fresh smiley stamp glistening on their hand. But when it’s repeated often enough, as it was by the PM yesterday, it starts to take on such an air of double entendre you expect the ghost of Kenneth Williams to materialise, nostrils flaring wildly. Though that may be just a reflection on us.

Where eagles dare

A small salute to the publicist who, observing the softly hellish dust glow over Sydney yesterday, made note of the “eyrie weather”.

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