Strewth: let us all re-Joyce

To get out of the current state of politics, may we suggest rule by Barnaby Joyce, and Barnaby alone.

One Barnaby to rule them all (artist’s impression only). Picture: Gary Ramage

It would be fair to say things have been a hot mess politically ever since Kevin Rudd was given the arse in 2010. (For further Wholly Roamin’ Emperor action, we implore you to turn to the Sketch) Given the smorgasbord of mayhem that’s followed — coups, section 44, Scott Morrison’s direct-to-camera videos and all the rest of it — we can probably look at Australian parliamentary democracy, sigh, shake our heads philosophically and say: “Well, it had a good run.” As an alternative to possible solutions previously offered in this space — military junta, absolute monarchy and so on — we present a new idea: rule by Barnaby Joyce, and Joyce alone. This photo is how it might look. Sure, he doesn’t look thrilled about it, but heavy sits the crown and all that. This measure is a drastic one, but so are the times.

Make a wish

It’s Malcolm Turnbull’s 64th birthday today. Hip hip hooray!

Someone else who’s been thinking about him is Labor’s Nick Champion, who got punted from question time yesterday for heckling.“I don’t know what you said, but it rarely matters,” said Speaker Tony Smith. For those who feel differently, Champion — who has been reading On Mutiny, David Speers’s book on the Malpocalypse (see below) — had simply made a loud inquiry: “How does (Peter) Dutton feel about being outwitted by both camps?” Dutton rose later, but didn’t address the matter.

Cracking out the wood

Question time was also awash with big stick energy as Scott Morrison, Angus Taylor and Michael McCormack all wielded the large, metaphorical piece of timber at energy companies. It’s been used before, but it appears to have caused something of a split in Labor ranks, with some reacting with Life of Brian-inspired cries of “Biggus Stickus”, while others — well, just Mark Butler now that we think of it — responded to each mention of “big stick” by waving a toothpick in the government’s direction.

No ice cream, just nuts

Another Coalition member keen to wield a punitive instrument is senator James McGrath, who has taken to his Facebook page with a photo of a pair of his young ovines, accompanied by the following message: “A bastard or a pack of bastards knicked these two lambs off my place last night. When I find the sheep rustlers I’m going to remove their genitals with a rusty but sort of sharp ice-cream scoop.” Not since Alan Rickman’s Sheriff of Nottingham threatened to cut out Robin Hood’s heart with a spoon has a non-cutting kitchen implement been so zestily used in a threat.

Loose quips, wrong lips

As mentioned here yesterday, Labor senator Kimberley Kitching spent some of Senate estimates on Monday reading aloud from On Mutiny*, about the rolling of Turnbull. It was with misplaced enthusiasm we quoted Finance Minister Mathias Cormann suggesting Kitching “save it for your slam poetry night”. While a minuscule tragedy in the scheme of things, it is nevertheless our melancholy duty to report that these words actually came from the lips of Cormann’s colleague James Paterson. For all those who felt a special glow from imagining it in Cormann’s accent — heaven knows we did — we both apologise and feel your pain. (*It’s published by MUP, which, possibly against its better judgment, also published a book of ours, My Family and Other Animus. This is disclosure and not, as it possibly looks, a wildly gratuitous plug.) Yesterday, Kitching accused Cormann of “Belgian waffling”, which caused a brief pause in proceedings.

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