Strewth: Laundy gently touches on carnage of the past year

Craig Laundy gently touches on the carnage of the past 12 months.

How time flies

This time last year, Malcolm Turnbull was PM and Barnaby Joyce his deputy. (Joyce had won his by-election a few weeks earlier, a victory that Turnbull — having moved on seamlessly from his prophecy the by-election wouldn’t happen — greeted with a joyous cry of, “We’re getting the band back together.”) Julie Bishop was still foreign minister, Julia Banks was still a Lib, “G’day, mate” hadn’t been damaged by Andrew Broad, Peter Dutton still had presence and Mathias Cormann hadn’t imploded. Craig Laundy, then the new small business minister, has gently touched on it all in the first sentence of his newsletter to constituents: “It’s been a rough period in politics, and certainly one for the history books.”

His brilliant curry

Scott Morrison has at least managed to find some relative peace and quiet by going to Iraq, where Prime Minister Adil Abdul-Mahdi showed how to welcome a PM in a style to which ScoMo could grow accustomed: “In the name of God the merciful, the benevolent, we renew our welcome to his excellency Prime Minister of Australia Scott Morrison …” His excellency ScoMo also addressed our troops with a culinary metaphor: “Last night, a few of you had a meal with me. We had a curry. I love curries. One of the reason I love curries — there is a point to this story, I promise — is how you put it all together.” He would eventually make a point about all the crucial ingredients of the Australian Defence Force working together, but first a cooking instruction: “You start with your oil …” Which, as Buzzfeed’s Josh Taylor noted, is a solid line in postwar Iraq.

Balance in the Force

Labor’s Jim Chalmers applauded on Sky News: “It’s terrific to see Prime Minister Morrison visit the troops, to express the nation’s gratitude for the work that they do; the fact that they put themselves in harm’s way for the rest of us. I think that is a very good thing, it’s good to see.” But almost as if sensing bipartisanship overload, Labor senator Doug Cameron chimed in on a separate topic: “The government has had to be forced to act sensibly.” Also: “The Coalition is completely out of touch and incompetent.” And as the cherry atop this steaming pile of cake, that senator Michaelia Cash is “a failed and disgraced minister”.

Ancient history

Let’s return now to Jim Chalmers, whose festive glow survived even Sky News host Kieran Gilbert’s reference to a union chap who, during Labor’s national conference, confessed not even faint admiration for Kevin Rudd.

Gilbert: “It shows you how much most of your party wants to win. Maybe not John Setka, but others like (Wayne) Swan, for example, your former boss, willing to be in the same room when Kevin Rudd was awarded life membership.”

Chalmers: “I was really proud of Swanny, Kieran. I thought that was a real symbol that we understand that we’ve had our barneys in the past, but they belong in the past.”

The past indeed. Rudd’s latest chunk of memoir, which kicks both Swan and Chalmers, came out nearly two whole months ago.

Rudd awakening

The Rudd launch was a favourite event of 2018, our Sketch beginning: “Kevin Rudd will be silent no longer. Rising from his leather throne like an ebullient, silvery moon, the Wholly Roamin’ Emperor gazed upon the politicians and journalists … and found his voice at last. ‘I’ve already been the recipient of some colourful descriptions from some of my parliamentary colleagues over recent years about the events of June 2010 and since. I’ve basically sat down, shut up and said nothing since then,’ he said, triggering a minor fluctuation in the air pressure around his former Labor colleagues. Apres le silence, le deluge. Or as Rudd framed it: ‘But I’ve always said sooner or later I would put pen to paper.’ Cue a tome from which sledges against former comrades who wronged him have already been falling like manna from a smilingly vengeful heaven. It’s volume two, of course; when Rudd breaks his silence, he does so emphatically. Both titles sat next to each other in monumental stacks, each copy so hefty you could scoop it hollow and use it as a barn.” But again, all this was way back in October.

Gin genie

One last drink for 2018, courtesy of Cocktail Detour. Gather ye 60ml of gin, 15ml of yellow Chartreuse, 30ml of fresh lemon juice, 15ml of simple syrup infused with green tea and cucumber, and a bar spoon of lime marmalade. Shake with ice, strain, pour. The result is called Patience and we dedicate it to our very fine editor, Alister McMillan. Bottoms up, and a Merry Christmas to you all.

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