Strewth: Horror scope

With our politics presently in the gutter, it’s surely time to look at the stars.

With our politics presently in the gutter (or “Liberal Leadership Crisis 2018” as the ABC has titled it, correctly giving it the sense of a regular event in need of some differentiation), it’s surely time to look at the stars. Or more specifically, the fact that Malcolm Turnbull (born October 24), Peter Dutton (November 18) and Tony Abbott (November 4) are all Scorpios. We turn to AstroStyle.com — largely on the strength it bills itself as a provider of “Accurate Daily Horoscopes for EVERY Star Sign” — to see what’s in store for this dynamic trio. “Who can you count on … really?” begins the Scorpio entry, which frankly made the hairs stand up on the back of our neck. “Use your natural discernment and loyalty to build and nurture your dream team, Scorpio … People who seem too good to be true usually are. You’ll come to rely on the crew you build in the coming month.” We’re almost too nervous to go on, but we must. Scott Morrison (May 13, Taurus) is, along with his fellow bulls, advised: “Say it, Taurus, and don’t be shy. The Sun beams into Virgo and your fifth house of drama and romance for a month, calling for fearless self-expression … Everywhere you go, people will be charmed by you — and not just any people. We’re talking CEOs and mayors — folks who could do a lot to promote your career and causes.” Blimey, it seems ScoMo will get a crack at Lodge life, too. Which brings us to Julie Bishop (July 17, Cancer): “No holding back, Cancer! The Sun enters Virgo and fires up your third house of communication, thrusting you and your brilliant ideas into the limelight until September 22.” Which is a week before a federal election could be held, but still. Scoff if you want, but it’s more sensible than at least 95 per cent of yesterday.

Paws for thought

A short time after the House of Representatives was plunged into darkness yesterday, two staffers emerged from a lift just down the corridor from the Prime Minister’s Office, evidently riffing on the thought experiment that is Schrodinger’s cat. “He’s alive and dead at the same time,” one said. “Good analogy,” the other agreed. And on they walked.

Lords of the manners

Amid the mayhem (explored in the Sketch over on page eight), there were touching bursts of genteel language. Not least from Eric Abetz, who went on Sky News and mused on the thus far thwarted crack at mounting a second spill attempt: “I would have thought it might be helpful for the party if the matter was resolved once and for all today, but I understand the PM has declined Peter Dutton’s suggestion.” Another smiley stamp goes to Liberal backbencher Tim Wilson for this tweet: “For clarity: I have not been bullied or intimidated into signing the suicide note to call a leadership spill. People have politely asked me, and I declined. The people of Australia and Goldstein have been very clear what they want, and I hear them. #LiberalAndProudOfIt.” Viewing things from a slight remove, Nationals members allowed themselves the luxury of somewhat earthier language. But even some of their assessments (for example: “Sheer f..king madness”) seemed understated.

Pushing wrong Dutton

As per social media tradition, when things turn to custard there is collateral damage. Among them yesterday was the Texan co-owner of Soul Food Popcorn, Peter Dutton, who tweeted: “I wish the people of Australia would look at my profile and realise I’m a 30 yr old black man before sending me tweets …” But he did share a welcome sentiment: “Stay strong, mates!”

Timely advice

Back in Parliament House, ministerial and parliamentary staff yesterday received an email alerting them to a counselling service that includes trauma and critical incident counselling, as well as mediation and conflict resolution. Available via phone, Skype or face-to-face.

Deja vu all over again

Let’s sign off with a snippet from our Sketch of election night in 2016, a long, bleak evening of coagulating fatalism that surely set the mood for the brief years to come: “After Malcolm Turnbull’s ballot adventure, the Chinese could amend their ancient curse to say, ‘May you live in the most exciting times.’ By the time the Prime Minister finally made it to the podium in the early minutes of Sunday, he was Wile E. Coyote, the remains of an ACME Corporation box of Double Dissolution scorched across his face … Less than a week after he had addressed the party with the word ‘Stability’ glowing behind him, there Turnbull stood, ambushed by democracy in all its agility, innovation and vicious ingratitude.” It still seems fresh.

[e-mail]