Strewth: Hold our beer

It must have been quite a meeting when the Coalition brains trust hatched plans for overshadowing Labor’s national conference.

It must have been quite a meeting when the Coalition brains trust hatched plans for overshadowing Labor’s national conference. Perhaps Scott Morrison was responsible for the act of dark genius that was revealing the nation’s next governor-general just as the ALP jamboree officially got under way on Sunday. Josh Frydenberg and Finance Minister Mathias Cormann (trusted with numbers again) would have been confident they had Monday sewn up with the mid-year economic and fiscal outlook. Then presumably someone from the Nats, still impressed by the time ScoMo’s team tweeted a bit from a Fatman Scoop song that inquires “Who’s f..kin’ tonight?”, raised their hand with a polite cough: “I have an idea …”

Sugar and spice

To think it was only a few days back that Deputy PM Michael McCormack was at a festive event singing, “On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me, Lindfield Road overpass in the seat of Petrie.” Whichever day of Christmas it was yesterday brought the gift of New Idea — New Idea! — and its story about the alleged wannabe sugar-daddy adventures of McCormack’s (now former) assistant minister Andrew Broad. While Broad says he has referred it to the federal wallopers, McCormack provided variety yesterday between hopeful reminders he’s in a “good government”. On the Broad matter he asserted: “I have taken swift and decisive action I have over the past 24 hours.” Marvellous. But when did he find out? “A couple of weeks ago.” Ah.

Sugar in a more regular context, with naked mole-rat.

Down the batting order

Insultingly for Broad, he didn’t make the New Idea cover. Nor did he make the first handful of pages. Among the offerings ahead of Broad were: a photo of D olly Parton with Parton impersonator Jason Cozmo; Victoria Beckham looking glum on holiday (“Trouble in paradise”); Pink possibly being pregnant; Carrie Bickmore having a baby; a “Royal Xmas showdown”; “Meghan’s fairytale nursery”; Home and Away cast members James Stewart and Sarah Roberts getting engaged (three cheers for the happily betrothed); the Bondi vet allegedly having commitment phobia (according to his ex-girlfriend, who presented her dire warning as advice for his new girlfriend); an ad from Myer for its sweet treats; Karl Stefanovic’s former spouse, Cassandra Thorburn, sharing a few thoughts; Stefanovic spending his money; an ad from Endota Spa; a double-page spread headlined, “Princess Mary’s Christmas anguish”. Then and only then do we make it to page 22: “Nationals MP Andrew Broad — Shock ‘sugar baby’ secret.” He does at least come in ahead of “Elvis & Priscilla’s love scandal” and our favourite: “Turkey baster gave me a baby with my bestie!”

Keep your fluids up

And so to today’s Christmas cocktail: the Sugar Daddy, the recipe for which we’ve harvested from absolutdrinks.com. You will need: 60ml bourbon, 30ml each of grapefruit juice and orange juice, a dash of orange curacao and a maraschino cherry in its glistening entirety. Fill a shaker with ice cubes, then into this chilly space add all ingredients, shake and strain into a cocktail glass. Add the cherry, admire your handiwork, then send it down the hatch. Just remember to heed the advice of the website (which, by the by, suggests Old Time Appetiser as a related drink) to “enjoy responsibly”. Skip flying planes and riding horses for a while afterwards just to be safe.

Look on the bright side

Rather than remind you of the time Queensland LNP MP Peter Dowling gained fame after sending his mistress a photo of his member in a glass of wine (and red wine at that), we will go for wholesomeness and a dash of optimism. In other words, Social Services Minister Paul Fletcher and his office, who are advertising a budget night function in Parliament House. That happy event is of course in the distant future of April. Sure, some of Fletch’s colleagues are name-checking the good ship Titanic more often around Strewth these days, but not Fletch. Onwards and ever upwards!

In other matters

The Labor Party conference continues in Adelaide today.

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