Strewth: Dodging coral

The Emma Husar scandal continues to inspire poetry from Labor’s best.

In Friday’s Strewth, we went in search of anything vaguely poetic being inspired in the Labor trenches as the Emma Husar investigation rumbled on. We hit some gold, but Labor’s Tony Burke has since coughed up some perfect — albeit less blunt — verse on the ABC’s Insiders: “We will deal with the report when we have a report, and at the moment, we don’t.” Rhythm that tight is a dead giveaway the bloke’s a muso. On Friday’s instalment of Today on Nine, Anthony Albanese was quizzed by Georgie Gardiner about the probe. Albo mused on the relative coverage given to Husar and something “we actually know has happened”. To wit: “Almost half a billion dollars of taxpayers’ money was given to the Great Barrier Reef Foundation … all of a sudden, without a tender process, without anything at all.” Good points, yet somewhat eclipsed a few seconds later by Christopher Pyne’s silky sidestep: “Well, Georgie, I’m not responsible for that particular part of the government’s policy.” Only a true master could make dodging a reef knot look so easy. But only Pyne could then put aside those freshly acknowledged portfolio limitations and proceed to offer Bill Shorten advice on Husar. Five stars.

Hold your tongue

Pyne also sprang to mind yesterday when Veterans’ Affairs Minister Darren Chester brought to our attention Wednesday Without Words. Organised by the Australian Aphasia Association, the challenge is to spend an hour without speaking on September 5 to raise awareness about aphasia, which affects a person’s ability to use language for speaking, reading and so on. Our modest proposal is that Pyne — who is arguably the chattiest pollie in the present parliament and possibly ever — offer himself up for an hour of sponsored silence live online. He would, in true Kim Kardashian style, break the internet.

No smiting, please

God, they say, moves in mysterious ways. But sometimes even the creator can do with a little helping hand, such as this almost miraculous showbag of a query from a journalist to Malcolm Turnbull: “A quick question in regards to, up there, the title of that book you were talking about God and ‘God is love’ and whatever. We have a strong statement today on the banks from the government’s inquiry. Can God save the banks at this point? Another very damning report.” The Prime Minister could have done with a few minutes alone in the company of this magical word combination, but he had only a few seconds, so he flicked the switch to vaguely biblical: “The banks, like all of us, should remember that we should do unto others what we would have them do unto us. That’s good advice every time.” Not that the most famous bit of banker action in the Bible is so gentle and instead features a rare bit of Messiah-to-mammon violence as Jesus goes berserk — with a freshly handcrafted “whip of cords”, no less — against the money changers in the temple. Indeed, between Jesus’ whip and his phrase “den of thieves”, one suspects the Lord would have made a good royal commissioner.

Tome saviour

The book Turnbull had been talking about was God is Good for You by our learned colleague Greg Sheridan. During his speech launching it in NSW Parliament House the other day, the PM gave advice that was useful for readers and authors alike: “I encourage everyone to buy lots of copies … make sure that he signs them. Do that. Do you know why? A signed book cannot be returned. I’m sure his publisher will be very thankful if you do that. The great author John Howard nods in approval of the importance of that.” Turnbull’s tip is a lesson yours truly learned when we wrote our first book. Still equipped with enough of a functioning sense of shame to protect us from our more tartish instincts (it was a long time ago), we crept shyly into Dymocks and eventually scraped together the courage to ask one of the salespeople if it wouldn’t be too much if we signed one or two copies. But of course! A dozen copies were promptly brought forth, along with a pen and this cheerily delivered advice: “Just don’t go signing all the copies in the shop because we can’t send them back then if they don’t sell.” This struck us as a most marvellous business model and we vowed to return with our own pen and do just that. The salesperson chortled, then said, “But if you did that, that would make you [NAME OF WELL KNOWN AND PROLIFIC AUSTRALIAN AUTHOR REDACTED].” We’ve pondered the genius of [NAME OF WELL KNOWN AND PROLIFIC AUSTRALIAN AUTHOR REDACTED] ever since and have nothing but respect for him.

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